Self-love – The Will to Wake Up

Dreaming of a Better Tomorrow

Is there a dream or a passion that you long to pursue, yet fear of displeasing God or others is holding you back?

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “follow your dreams”. Christians enjoy bashing this phrase because it doesn’t indicate aligning your life with God’s will. While I agree that God’s will should come first in our lives, we also need to realize that our dreams and passions are often from God and should be heard. In fact, we can fall into the trap of using our interpretation of God’s will as an excuse to not go out and do what would make a difference.

How often have you not done something because you thought, “Oh, I haven’t heard explicitly from God that I’m supposed to do this, so it must mean I shouldn’t”?

We limit ourselves when we believe that God’s will fits into a box. If we don’t have the exact qualifications, then we don’t believe we’ll ever be capable. If we don’t have the financial support, then God must be calling someone else with more money.

We use these human excuses to prevent us from actually doing God’s will. We allow our fear of failure diminish the possibility of having an extraordinary legacy.

Here’s the thing: A lot of times, we don’t follow our dreams out of good intention. We think that we can’t enjoy doing God’s will.

Your heart is in the right place. However, I want to free you from this line of thinking.

God has given you your specific gifts and passions for a reason. In the world God created before brokenness entered, there were jobs for people to do, but He made sure they were meaningful. I’ll take the liberty of assuming that Adam enjoyed naming all the animals and Eve appreciated interacting with the creatures of the garden. A portion of their daily life was centered around being with God. That is within our calling as well.

You may be wondering if your dreams are in line with God’s will because certainly there are things that God wouldn’t tell you to do. Here are a few factors I take into consideration when determining whether or not I should pursue a dream:

It does not go against anything in the Bible.
You have a sense of peace, even if the circumstances seem impossible.
You have had people or opportunities that have affirmed this gifting.
After praying about it, some of your fears weaken.
You believe it could make a difference, even if the difference seems small.

God never changes, which means He will always encourage you to do things that bring restoration, hope, love, and truth into the world. Don’t let a dream labeled as “hard” or “unobtainable” discourage you. If something has never been done before, then perhaps you’ll be the first to do it. No one can make the exact same impact as you.

On a more personal note, a dream I’ve had since childhood has been writing books. Clearly I love writing, and over time, my passion for encouraging others has caused this love to deepen. A few weeks ago, God gave me the inspiration and time to create a short story photo book designed to encourage people. After it came together, I felt like God wanted me to publish it.

Yet scrolling through countless advice articles, watching helpful videos, and looking at my bank account, my enthusiasm began to dwindle. I waited for the proof (the author’s first copy) to come in the mail, but I decided it was just too hard and not good enough to publish.

But after showing the book to a few trusted people in my life, I began to sense God leading me towards publishing it again. The thought of bringing hope to others through my writing lifted a burden off my shoulders and ignited a fire within my heart. Once I said yes to the call, doors have begun opening up for me.

I know it won’t be easy. I doubt it will be a bestseller. But if it brings hope and light into at least one life, I know it will all be worth it.

You may not see the fruit of your hard work or the “proof of success” within your dream field. That can be extremely discouraging, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t making a difference. It just means that God is calling you to trust Him. Behind the scenes, He is always working. Nothing is impossible for you with God by your side.

God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged.
Hebrews 6:18

Trusting God with Our Unknowns

Are you struggling to let go because you didn’t get the closure or answers you hoped for?

Growth can be painful. Change can be painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.
Charles Spurgeon

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “Let go and let God”. People debated that phrase within the faith community because some interpreted it as a lack of effort on our part. When we simply let go and let God, they believe we aren’t taking ownership over our situations.

I don’t know if I’m particularly a fan of this phrase, but I do think it has some value to it. Yes, we need to be proactive and not expect God to just handle everything while we sit back and relax. But when we’ve done everything we can and we need to let go, that’s when it’s time to step back and remember that God is much more powerful and capable than we are.

I’ll even go one step further by saying we should go into every situation with the mindset that we are not in control and we are walking hand-in-hand with the Holy Spirit, who is in control and can direct us to the right choices.

There’s a difference between being proactive and being controlling. When we are being proactive, we are listening to the Holy Spirit, not allowing our joy and contentment come from the outcome of our situations, and willing to do whatever God leads us to do. When we are struggling to be in control, we are grasping at any loose threads that bring us comfort, trying to find solace in whatever small victories may come, even at the expense of our own wellbeing. When we are working so hard at being in control, we miss the bigger picture. We forget why we are doing what we’re doing in the first place, even if it started out as a wonderful, beautiful thing.

To be honest, this summer, my actions have slowly morphed from being proactive to being controlling. The hardest time to “let God” take over is when we are faced with unknowns. These unknowns fill our hearts with anxiety, confusion, and panic. When we can’t see the end result, we are fixated on the limited view we have of the present.

God called me into a few different situations that required patience, dedication, and compassion. I believe I did everything I could to help. But then, God called me to step back, and that’s when I faltered. I didn’t want to step back. I didn’t want to let go. If I let go, I’d feel like a failure. “There’s always more I can do”, I thought.

Of course there’s always more we can do. But there isn’t always more we should do.

I’ll admit it, there’s a thrill that comes when people rely on me. It gives me a sense of purpose, which is good, but that can’t be where my purpose comes from. My purpose, and your purpose, has to come from God. Because while He doesn’t promise that the purposes found in people or careers will be fulfilled, He does promise that our purposes found in Him will flourish.

Sometimes God isn’t only calling us out of a situation for our benefit. While yes, the reason may be to renew your energy, it could also be because the person you’re helping is relying too heavily on you. They are turning to you as their crutch rather than turning to God for their healing.

Think about it this way. If you’ve ever broken a leg, or seen someone with a broken leg, you’ve realized how important crutches can be to help them be able to move. While crutches are helpful and necessary for a time, they still can’t do everything for the injured person. Eventually, the person will have to do the hard work of physical therapy in order to experience full healing. Though the therapy may be more painful, just like growing and turning to God during our difficulties can be harder than finding someone to rant to, it ultimately brings the lasting results.

It’s really hard, devastating even, to be faced with unknowns. I can’t tell you whether or not this person is still meant to be in your life. I can’t tell you why they left. I can’t, and shouldn’t, explain away all the feelings you are experiencing in this season of change.

What I can say, however, is that God loves both you and this person even more than anyone else ever could. Trust Him to take care of them. Trust Him to take care of you. There never would’ve been any of us without God. He created all of us for a reason and He won’t ever give up on us.

So, perhaps you should walk out in faith today and not give up on Him.

It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace.
Isaiah 55:11-12

He has saved us and called us to a holy life–not because of anything we have done, but because of His own purpose and grace.
2 Timothy 1:9

When Life’s Just Plain Mean

Are you feeling tired, burned out by all that’s going on around you? Take the time to rest and nourish yourself.

I started off writing a post about life’s interruptions. I have had my share of interruptions recently, and though things haven’t exactly made sense, all my experiences seemed to tie together for that post. I was really excited about it, feeling God’s hand on the piece, and then when I went to post it, half the article got deleted.

I collapsed in my chair, tears streaming down my face, about ready to throw my computer out the window. Yes, things get deleted a lot, but, as I’ll share in that post (which I am definitely going to finish–the enemy can’t win that easily!!!), a lot has been going on in my life that hasn’t made sense. In fact, these things have drained me, shaken me, broken my heart, and have resulted in poorer mental and physical health this summer. This felt like the last straw. If at least one good thing could come out of the situation, I thought, then maybe things would begin to make sense.

But you know what? Life doesn’t always make sense. I often try to put meaning behind everything (which I still believe that everything is intentional), but sometimes we just have to allow ourselves the time to grieve. Grieve what was, grieve what is, grieve what might be to come. Letting go is hard. Change is hard. Acceptance is hard.

I’m sure you know all these things by now. In fact, you’re probably waiting for me to finally tell you something you don’t know. Well…I don’t know if I can do that today.

Here’s what I will tell you. Whatever you’re going through matters. No matter how small, no matter how big, no matter how many people it affects. As long as it affects someone (and yes, you are a someone) then it matters. If it matters to you, it matters to God.

God promises to be with us through everything. That doesn’t mean we won’t have storms come our way, but it does mean we will never be alone. It’s okay to be angry and hurt and frustrated. But instead of lashing out at others or criticizing yourself or throwing your computer out the window, call out to God. He wants to hear from you during every single season of your life, including the painful, overwhelming ones.

And once you’ve done that, rest. Take time to breathe. Take time to listen to calming music or visit a place that brings you joy. Things won’t be solved overnight and you may not feel better that fast either. However, each day is brand new, full of an opportunity to be replenished by God’s peace and grace. Take however long you need to let your heart heal. You’re worth it.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

The Process of Being Made New

Have you taken the time to rest and work through what’s hurting your heart?

I’m sure we’ve all had that one road we avoid driving on, that’s never properly taken care of. As I’ve shared before, I work at a horse riding barn, which is located in a reasonably rural area. The closer I get, the more beat-up the roads become. Potholes, overhanging branches, and a random assortment of odd objects clutter the road.

The last main road leading to the property has had a few major potholes since I’ve started driving on it. They’ve tried filling the potholes with cement or asphalt, yet they often end up getting bigger after a while. A few weeks ago, they tore up the entire road, stripping it of the outer layer and leaving a worn down rubble path.

I was horrified, to say the least. Sure, the old road with the filled potholes wasn’t ideal, but this disgusting torn up mess was terrible. I feared they were just going to leave it like that after a week went by with no progress. However, my boss assured me they were just stripping the road in order to put down fresh asphalt.

To be honest, I began to doubt her, until one day, out of the blue, the entire road had been re-paved! It’s fresh, shiny even, and the smoothest road I’ve ever driven on. They went all out by adding a sidewalk, ramps at the neighborhood entrances, and new paint. It looks pretty perfect, and on the surface no one would know how crumbly it is underneath.

Sometimes, in life, we like to cover up our brokenness by filling our lives with empty things. They can be things that seem good, and maybe they even are, like relationships, sports, hobbies, or even volunteering. However, when we are trying to soothe an old wound with these things, we will never get to the heart of the problem.

It’s easy to push ourselves forward without taking the time to work through our past hurt. We might take small steps, like filling in the “potholes” with temporary solutions. A talk here or a devotional there, or even a prayer sometimes. But when we don’t have the patience to sit down and really feel those painful things and let go, we can’t be made new.

And trust me, God wants to make you new. He wants to tear away all the images you’re hiding behind and see the real you. And perhaps that person is broken, hurting, and overwhelmed. Perhaps that person really doesn’t have it all together and isn’t sure who they are anymore. But God wants to meet you where you’re at and bring you long-lasting healing.

He isn’t going to just help you work through one incident, either. He’s going to go all out, bringing understanding and healing to the root issues and carrying your burdens for you.

When you trust in Him and allow His peace to flow through you, you are a new creation. The old is gone, the new has come!

It will surely take time, perhaps it might not even feel worth it. But trust me, when you look back later, you’ll be glad that you allowed yourself time to rest and process. You are worth the time it takes to heal.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Song Recommendation: All Things New, by Big Daddy Weave: https://youtu.be/4_2aX_i4qpM

Your Presence Matters

Is it hard for you to believe you can make an impact? Here’s some encouragement and a reminder that your presence, in whatever form it takes today, matters.

As some of you may remember, this blog originally started out as an Enneagram blog. I’m not entirely sure what I was thinking since I’m not an Enneagram expert, though personalities fascinate me and the Enneagram is my favorite “organized personality” idea.

If you don’t know what the Enneagram is, it’s basically a way of categorizing humans into nine categories based on their childhood wounds, their current needs, as well as their strengths and weaknesses. I’ve researched a lot about the Enneagram, and one of the biggest parts of it is the message each type needs to hear the most. All of the messages, such as “you are loved without having to earn it” or “you can embrace both pain and joy”, are important for all people to understand, but they should resonate especially for their type.

I’m a type 9, which is called The Peacemaker, and we are known for being understanding, seeing all sides of situations, merging with the people around us, and not realizing our voices are important. The core message for 9s is “your presence matters”. While I love this phrase for 9s, I believe it’s one that you all need to hear today.

Sometimes, life can really, really suck. Like, really. Every day can feel agonizing. You wake up and wonder why you’re really here. It’s like an invisible burden that weighs a ton has been placed on your shoulders. You can barely breathe.

And during those times, it can be easy to forget why you’ve kept going this whole time. You may attribute it to fear or to not letting others down. But the truth is, the reason why you’re here is because you matter. You have an important role to play in the world. You are going to make a difference. In fact, you already have, just by being here.

It’s easy to forget the impact you have on other people’s lives. But even in the small ways, you are helping others along their difficult journeys too. Perhaps just seeing your name pop up on your friend’s phone makes them smile. Or maybe an encouraging word to a family member helped them not give up. Maybe holding the door open for a stranger at the grocery store or thanking a waiter caused them to realize someone still cares.

You may think you need to have it “all together” in order to make a difference. You may worry that everyone is watching you and judging you. And it’s true that there will always be judgemental people out there, but they aren’t the ones you should think about. They are just insecure and realize that perhaps you have something they don’t: confidence.

You don’t have to have it all together in order to make a difference. In fact, being vulnerable about the broken parts of your life, the parts that required you to seek help or turn to God, are the ones that people can relate to most. They can even be the most inspiring parts of your story.

Even if you don’t have a perfectly worded response, even if you forget to hold the door open, even if you can’t smile today, your presence alone is vital. Just by being here, in this space, you are bringing hope and joy to those around you. And they love you more than anything. ❤

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
John 16:33

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

The Perfect Balance

Do you feel burned out, exhausted by life itself? May you find rest and encouragement through these words.

For those of you interested in the Olympics, I’m sure you’ve heard the headliner about U.S. gymnast, Simone Biles, withdrawing from her team’s competition this week. Each headline reads differently, but the one I love the most said, “Simone Biles’ Decision Changes the Way Athletes View the Olympics Forever”. By prioritizing her mental health, she is inspiring others who are pushing themselves too hard and encourages us to live life to the fullest rather than to please others. In fact, this choice means more than if she won gold. She could be saving lives by helping others realize their wellness matters more than any expectations placed on them. She will always be remembered, not just as a champion, but as an impactful advocate. Perhaps we can finally become a world that judges “success” not by metals but by how fulfilled and joyful people feel.

I’ve been thinking a lot about mental health recently. As I’ve shared, I’ve had my highs and lows regarding it. I’ve also witnessed others make life-altering decisions because of it, some to benefit them and others out of desperation. This is an issue that truly burdens my heart because so often people feel the need to “fit the mold” in order to be worth anything. They need to feel chosen by people, and if they are rejected, then they fear they have no future.

In all honesty, I have been rejected. Most of us have been rejected. Sometimes, we can just pass it off as that person’s loss and move on. Other times, it really stings. We hear a song that reminds us of them and we can no longer enjoy it. We want to reach out, but we don’t know how. We worry people will think we’re weak for needing a break or needing understanding.

We don’t all experience things the same way. Even if I had the exact same life as you, the things that bother you may not be the things that bother me. Things that cut deeper into me may not cut as deeply into you. That’s totally okay, and normal in fact. However, it means we have to be aware that people see situations in their lives differently, and we have to be sensitive to whatever stage of healing they are in, even if we would’ve healed faster or slower than them.

We need to be open and honest about our mental health. We need to seek the help we need or the space we need so that we can heal. And most of all, we need to turn to God and loving people He’s placed in our lives in order to remember where our worth comes from.

But we also can’t be fixated on one aspect of our lives. That’s often what gets us buried deeper into the hole of discouragement in the first place. When we only focus on our mental health, we can lose sight of our physical or spiritual health, or vice versa.

I was recently talking with a mentor who shared the three “healths”: spiritual (our relationship with God), physical (our lifestyle choices), and mental/emotional (how we feel, especially how much peace we have). There needs to be a balance between the three of them. God is working within each piece of this circle, but we have to do our part to give proper attention to each aspect.

But when we’re supposed to put God first, how can we have both balance and priorities? Well, prioritize listening to God. Ask Him what areas of your life you’re neglecting. If you continue to stay attuned to Him, you’ll be able to find that perfect balance.

Today, you may be feeling overwhelmed. You may be feel all alone. Perhaps you fear that nobody really loves you or cares or sees or knows. But I promise you that you are never alone. God knows you. He loves you and will always take care of you. He sees you, and He is putting you on others’ hearts so that they will see you and love you too. Whatever is burdening you right now will not last forever. Do what you need to in order to heal, regardless of how others might judge you. In the end, your life is between you and God. Your life is a gift, not just to you but to those who are privileged enough to be around you, to be your friend. You are worth whatever it takes to heal.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
    he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
    I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me!”
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.
Psalm 116:1-9

10 Reasons to Stay

Are you struggling to understand why you’re still here? This is a reminder that you are so deeply loved. Here are ten reasons why you should stay simply for you.

When someone is struggling to understand their place here, their reason for existence, people often shame them. They say, “How can you think of leaving me? How can you do that to your family? That’s so selfish!” They provide countless reasons to stay, yet these reasons often come from a place of selfishness from the person being left behind, because they are struggling to cling onto a person they love and need. But today, I am sharing 10 different reasons to stay. Not because of what your absence will do to other people, but because of what you will miss if you leave.

1. Your purpose hasn’t been fulfilled yet

God pursues us until our very last breath. He uses every situation we’re in to make a difference, even in hospital rooms, lonely cars, broken relationships, and wounded hearts. God takes us when He’s ready, not when we are necessarily. That’s scary, but it’s for the best. It means that God has a plan for us up until His end.

2. You will fall in love someday

You may be feeling hopeless after a heartbreak or a person you love leaving. But I guarantee that you will fall in love again. That rapid, heart-pounding sensation that leaves a smile on your face, a twinkle in your eyes, and an airiness to your steps. Maybe it won’t be with a person. Perhaps it will be with a hobby, or a place, or with a new pet. But I promise that you will love again.

3. There are places you haven’t seen yet

Perhaps you are feeling stuck, whether it be physically in your hometown or in a career, relationship, or stage of life. But you will not remain there forever. You will grow and blossom into who you’re meant to be. You will leave a place in wonder, in awe of all that God is capable of. Just keep your eyes open to the possibility that there is more than what’s on the surface.

4. There are foods you haven’t eaten yet

Yes, this might seem trivial, but come on, good food is good food, am I right? Close your eyes and allow yourself to taste the best food you’ve ever had. Perhaps it’s a moist, rich piece of chocolate cake. Maybe it’s slippery, smooth noodles. Or the crunchy freshness of a summer salad. Perhaps you have yet to find your favorite food!

5. There are people you haven’t met yet

You may feel like no one sees you, loves you, or cares about you. Maybe you feel like a burden. But trust me, you are not. You maybe just haven’t found the right people yet. But you will. There are 7.9 billion people on Earth, and you can’t tell me you’ve talked to all of them and they’ve all rejected you, even if your mind lies to you and says that.

There are people out there who will love you just the way you are. They will sit with you and listen to you. They will make you laugh and think your jokes are funny too. They will care so deeply about you.

6. You will miss out on all that nature has to offer

Think about the beautiful sunsets you’ve seen. The swirl of tangerine orange, scarlet red, and navy blue. The puffy cotton-candy clouds painted across the sky. Or how about the sound of a trickling stream or the roar of a mighty waterfall? The soft fur of a kitten and the sloppy kiss from a puppy’s tongue. Sitting beneath a dark canvas, illuminated by bright, sparkling stars. Sticking your head out the window and allowing the cool breeze flow through your hair and nip at your cheeks. Bring yourself back to the place that fills your heart with peace.

7. You won’t know how strong you are until at the end of the battle

At times, I have struggled to understand why I’m here. But the truth is, we underestimate our strength. But it’s the most beautiful thing, looking back at the end of the battle, and seeing how far we’ve come. It’s the best feeling, a feeling that lifts us off our feet and makes us feel ten times as powerful. I don’t want you to miss out on that feeling.

8. God loves you

God didn’t create you by accident or put you in the situation you’re in because He didn’t have anything better to do. He didn’t give you the parents you have because He wanted to burden them. He didn’t give you your friends so that you can annoy them. Because the truth is, you don’t. You may feel like you do, but beneath what they may show you, they truly love you. God gave them you because He knew that you could make a positive difference in their lives.

God isn’t disappointed in you for feeling the way you do. How do I know this? Because no matter what you do or how you feel, His love covers it all. But He wants you to realize that through your weaknesses, His strength can be revealed.

9. I care about you

This is not to guilt you in any way. You don’t have to stay for me, but remember that there is someone who cares. You may think, “Oh she doesn’t know me.” And maybe I don’t. Maybe you’re sitting in a ball on the floor in the dark, a stray tear slipping down your cheek as you contemplate life. Maybe you are sighing in exhaustion after a long day of work and this article is your only escape. Maybe you’re sitting in your car, the light of your phone illuminating your face, a face that’s seen tearful goodbyes, angry authority figures, and words that have broken your heart.

Or maybe you aren’t experiencing any of those things, and that’s okay. Regardless of if we’ve met, spoken, or you don’t even know what I look like, I care about you. I care about you because you have been created by God, chosen and adored. Because I love God, I love you. When we love someone, what matters to them matters to us. You matter to me.

10. For some reason, God wanted you to read this

There’s a reason the title drew you in. There’s a reason you may have subscribed to my blog or clicked on the link. Something called you to it. It has nothing to do with me. It’s all God. God is sending you a message through this, revealing His love to you, and perhaps He’s given you even more reason to stay.

We don’t talk about mental health enough. We just don’t. It’s often seen as taboo or a point of disagreement, especially among Christians. But what are we doing? What are we accomplishing this way? Certainly not making people feel wanted or needed.

I don’t think it’s selfish to want to leave. I don’t. You might disagree with me, and that’s okay. But one of the first things I heard after a classmate died was that they were selfish for leaving their family and friends. For taking the “easy way”.

But I don’t think there’s anything “easy” about struggling to understand your purpose. I don’t think there’s anything “easy” about feeling like a burden. I don’t think there’s anything “easy” about having a brain that constantly replays the enemy’s lies to you.

Mental illness is exactly what the name suggests, an illness. And it should be treated like cancer or heart disease. We shouldn’t stop fighting for the people who suffer with it, or for ourselves, if we do. We should pray for healing, because God has the power to heal anything. But most of all, we should come around whoever is struggling and remind them that they are loved no matter what they are going through.

If that’s you today, I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that God loves you, way more than I do. And even though each day may feel exhausting, you can make it through. I am proud of you for being here. For every breath you breathe, you can and are making a difference. ❤

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
Psalm 5:11

Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.
Psalm 6:4

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23:6

Jesus called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out impure spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.
Matthew 10:1

The Thing We Fear Most: Rejection

Have people in the past made you feel worthless? Today I’ll share how to overcome rejection and where to find hope again.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’m sure if I took a poll, most people would say they’d want to be reached out to or have people be real with them. Sometimes a simple call or even a “hello” can make a world of difference in someone’s life. Sometimes one vulnerable conversation can lead to a lasting relationship or a place of healing. Yet we often allow our fears to talk us out of being the one to reach out or start an honest conversation. And what do we fear, you might ask? Rejection.

The first thing that comes to mind when I see the word “rejection” is its prevalence in romantic relationships, when one person likes another, and the feelings aren’t reciprocated. While this is a big area where people lose confidence, it is not the only place where rejection seeps into our lives.

A person close to me was rejected by her parents and a step parent and spent much of her growing up years undervalued and treated as “second-rate” to her step-siblings. Through this trauma of not having a real, permanent home, nor trustworthy guardians, decades later, she is still experiencing the effects.

I recently was able to spend time with her and I saw how even the ones she considers close to her were really kept at a distance. It breaks my heart to see how the rejection she experienced as a child has caused her to avoid being rejected by family, friends, and partners in her adult years by not letting others in.

The worst part is, this fear continues to keep her from seeing her true worth. Her family and friends want to know her, the real her, not just the person hiding behind walls of generosity and strength. Yet past rejection has led her to believe that no one truly cares about her or wants to be around her when she’s herself.

It makes sense that we fear rejection. After all, what’s the best feeling in the world? Being loved and wanted. So of course the worst feeling in the world is being rejected.

And when we’re rejected, it’s not really as simple as “oh I just want to stay friends” or “I don’t need a kid around right now”; it’s really an attack on our identity. It’s saying we truly are as worthless as we feel sometimes. It’s our worst fear coming true: that being ourselves isn’t enough and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Though the obvious root of rejection comes from early experiences with it, such as in my previous examples, or when friends or others we admire dump us, there is an even deeper meaning behind our fear of rejection.

When we allow others to define us, we forget the only One whose opinion matters: God’s.

When we get bogged down by criticism or feeling ignored, we have to remember that our worth is found in God. When we look to people to decide how valuable we are, which we’ve all done I’m sure, then we are not believing that God’s word is true.

God says we are chosen, loved, worth so much, even death on a cross. And when we spend time with God, the One who loves us the most, and with people who show us God’s love, we will start feeling worthy again.

Moving on and letting go of people is hard. I recently read a story to some kids about how a hermit crab had to let go of his old friends and old shell once he outgrew them. It was really hard for him because he cared about them, yet he knew that was the only way he could survive.

Sometimes, we have to let go of people and things who don’t allow us to grow into the people God made us to be. If they don’t affirm God’s feelings toward us, then it might be time to move on. I know it’s so difficult, but I promise that once you embrace who God made you to be, you will start feeling worth loving again.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
Ephesians 1:4-6

Song Recommendation: Already Enough, by Fearless Soul: https://youtu.be/kFQ7qiqm6WA

Does God Love Me When I Don’t Feel Worthy?

Do you ever worry about God being disappointed when you don’t feel your best? Here’s some advice and encouragement!

Something that stuck with me one time was a remark someone said regarding self-worth. “It really must grieve God’s heart when we don’t see ourselves the way He sees us.”

When I first heard this, I was startled. But of course, isn’t God upset when we aren’t kind to ourselves? However, that only made me feel worse when I experienced self-doubt or self-criticism. On top of feeling worthless, I felt like I was angering God.

While God obviously wants us to see ourselves the way He sees us, I want to assure you that God still loves you when you don’t feel worthy. How am I so confident of this fact? Well, because Jesus says it pretty directly in a familiar parable.

In the parable of the prodigal son, the son had clear reasons for feeling unlovable. After all, he dishonored his father by demanding his inheritance before his father even had the chance to die, and then he wasted it all in a short period of time. He was stuck cleaning after pigs, the “dirtiest” animal by Jewish customs. That was the lowest of the low. He’d rather be a servant at his old home than make pig slop.

Imagine the humiliation of trying to re-enter a space where he was confident and arrogant after failing as miserably as he did. Yet he was willing to risk it in order to get a second chance.

Close your eyes for a moment and picture yourself at your lowest point. Feel the soft sand beneath your feet as you trudge up the hill to your home. There’s a weight on your shoulders, a weight that has only grown heavier as the mistakes pile up. Your clothes are torn and stinky. You’re drenched in mud. But a familiar scent of sweet flowers sends tingles down your back.

Open your eyes and squint–can it be? Your father, a ginormous smile on his face, running faster than any other elderly man has run before. He’s got no weapon in his hands, only open arms, ready to embrace you.

You stop dead in your tracks. Beads of sweat drip off your face and you lift a hand to swat them away. But before you get the chance, your father sweeps you into a giant hug, his familiar scent of sawdust comforting you.

After he steps away, you blunder through your speech, ending with, “I am no longer worthy to be called your child.”

That’s exactly what the prodigal son said, “I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” No longer worthy.

But how does the father respond? He doesn’t even answer that. He might chuckle, like, how could you possibly have thought that? Then he sends out his servants to prepare a feast to welcome you home.

What bigger act of love is there than combining all five love languages together? The father wanted to spend time with his son by racing to see him. He gave him a big hug and kiss. He gave him the gifts of service and presents by preparing this party and pampering him. And he proudly announced to the world that this is his son, who was “dead and has come alive again”. Not wasting time. Not humiliating the family. But dead, lost, missed.

We so easily believe the lie from the enemy that our feelings towards ourselves reflect how God and others see us. When we feel embarrassed, we are sure we can’t be used for good. When we fall into temptation, we believe we can never be forgiven. When we make a mistake, we think we are unlovable.

But God says otherwise. He doesn’t go off of feelings; He goes off facts. And the fact is, He loves us so much that He wants to welcome us home after every mistake, every self-doubt, and every stumble.

Today, if you’ve been feeling ashamed of yourself, remember how God sees you. He loves you so much and He’s ready for you to come home.

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
Luke 15:20

Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.
Acts 13:38

The “Unforgivable” Sin

We all have that one mistake that we doubt God can forgive. But through sharing a piece of my story, I hope I can encourage you and remind you that God will forgive anything you’ve done.
Trigger Warning: Suicide

We all have that one sin, that one mistake. The one that “doesn’t qualify” when Jesus says our sins are forgiven. Sometimes we hide it, ashamed. Other times we talk about it a lot, seeking validation from others. Yes, it is bad enough to still feel burdened by.

But when I tell you that your sins are forgiven by Jesus, I mean it with my whole heart. Even that one sin. Even that one mistake. Even if you never got the chance to say “I’m sorry”. Even if you think it’s too late.

Take this from a person who has spent the last two and a half years trying to forgive herself for the biggest mistake she’s ever made in her life.

When people look at me and my life, they might laugh at the idea of me committing an “unforgivable” sin. They might think, “Oh, she’s probably gossiped or lied or put something before God, nothing that serious.”

To be honest, it’s almost harder to be seen that way than as someone who is notorious for doing the “big bad sins”. (But, by the way, all sins come down to the same cost, Jesus’ death on the cross, making no sin “worse” or “better” than another). When you have the reputation as the “good Christian”, people are less inclined to believe you’ve suffered pain or separation from God.

It’s hard to admit and talk about what happened. I worry people won’t see it as a “big enough” deal. I wonder if they will see me differently. I don’t even know what sort of reaction I want from people.

But I’ve come to realize that everything happens in our lives to teach us something, perhaps lessons we are supposed to share with others. More importantly, they should bring us closer to God. And, though it’s taken time, this one certainly did. If my story helps someone else on their healing process, then it’s worth being vulnerable.

It was January. I met him three months before– the guy who changed my life. When we first met, I thought he was nice, perhaps overly friendly, but the longer I knew him, the more my discomfort grew. To say I knew him would be an overstatement. The truth is, I really only had a few interactions with him. I was scared of him, I think, and of what I believed his intentions were. Each interaction sent me into a spiral of hateful thoughts. They stemmed from a place of fear and insecurity. I should’ve said something, but I didn’t. Instead, I dreaded seeing him and allowed my feelings to consume me.

When I say hateful, I truly mean hateful. They were unlike anything I had ever felt before or since. These feelings burned inside my chest. I could barely look at him; I could only glare. I remember walking by myself and thinking, I wish he were dead.

The last time I saw him was around Christmas. We were in a packed gym, and he was playing spike ball with some friends. By this point, I had made it clear I wasn’t interested. The ball rolled over to me, and he came to get it. He started saying thank you, like he expected me to pick it up. Instead, I moved to the side and avoided looking at him. Yet he thanked me again, and we made eye contact. Then he turned away, and I never saw him again.

January 22nd, 2019. I found out in an email that he died by suicide.

I can’t even begin to describe the weight of guilt I felt. For a week, there was a pressing sensation on my shoulders and I had a constant headache. I didn’t cry because I didn’t know what I was grieving. After all, I barely knew him.

I learned more about him after he died than while he was alive. He was so different than the person I made him out to be in my head. In many ways, that made it all the worse.

It just so happened that a retreat was scheduled the following weekend. Throughout the retreat, I felt isolated, closed off from everyone else. No one reached out to me, perhaps because no one knew I was hurting. I took walks on my own and sobbed, crying out to God and asking Him why such a horrible person–me–could still be walking the earth. What good was I?

At the same time, I had lost several friends and felt incredibly alone. I wondered if this was some sort of punishment from God. Maybe this is why I’m alone, I thought, because I’m a terrible person.

On the last night, my youth pastor gathered us in a circle to pray for each other. Many shed tears as they relayed their current situations. Some recently lost grandparents, another’s father was dying of cancer, and several were dealing with anxiety.

My issues, loneliness and guilt, couldn’t compare to their problems. Why would God want to listen or help the girl who wished death upon His precious child? Or so I thought.

When it came to my turn, I could barely squeeze out my words. I finally whispered, “I just feel so lonely.”

To my surprise, several peers came around me and prayed. One prayer, which I’ll never forget, went something like this:

“Dear God, help Hannah see that she’s never alone and that no one is better or worse than her, but that we’re all equal.”

It was a very simple prayer, yet the weight on my shoulders was lifted. I felt lighter, more alive.

To say that solved all my problems or that it even caused me to believe that I was forgiven would be a lie. It has taken years to understand that God has forgiven me and that He can use me and that situation to help others. But it showed me that God cared, and continues to care and love us, even when we’re at our worst. When we feel unforgivable.

I don’t know what sort of “unforgivable sin” is burdening your heart. But I believe that God has already forgiven you and doesn’t want you to be bogged down by the past, but rather look forward with joy to what He has in store for you. It’s also okay if the healing process is taking longer than you thought or what others claim it should be. But you are healing, I can promise you that.

I also want you to know that if you feel unseen or unloved, I’m so sorry. But you are not unseen or unloved. You are treasured, adored, by the most powerful Being in the universe–Jesus. He loves you. He sacrificed everything for you. He wants you to know that you are so special and so needed and so, so dearly loved.

And if no one’s said this to you today, I love you. ❤️

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.
Ephesians 1:7

A wonderful song about God loving us at our worst, titled appropriately enough, Even at My Worst, by Blanca: https://youtu.be/qiD-UzbH5VA