Relationships – Page 8 – The Will to Wake Up

Letting Go of the Darkness

When we feel insecure, it’s easy to slip into the darkness and hide who we really are. But remembering that God never leaves us can help us have courage in our relationships.

According to experts, we look better in the dark. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. When in dimly lit places, we can hide our flaws and mask our insecurities behind the shadows.

If you’ve noticed, restaurants targeting dating couples are often dimly lit. You’d suppose it’s to create a romantic ambiance, right? But how is it really more romantic? (Without being overly suggestive here…)

Well, it’s all scientific, actually. The pupils in our eyes dilate when we’re in the dark, as well as when we see something we like. That means our eyes are trying to get a better look at it, letting more light in. Thus, by creating an environment where our pupils naturally dilate, we are more inclined to find the person in front of us attractive and enjoyable in this kind of setting.

Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with faith advice or encouragement, but trust me, as always, I do eventually get to a point!

We often cling to the dark when we are scared of revealing our vulnerable side, the parts of us we aren’t super proud of. The “dark” can refer to a multitude of masks, really, whether it be a successful job, a busy schedule, or even acts of generosity. It can also be secluding one’s self, not opening up to people who care, or literally hiding where no one will think to look. We use the darkness as a way to escape the present pain and to make ourselves appear better than we really are.

But, as you may have already learned the hard way, relationships have to be built on honesty. I once read the quote, “If people don’t like you for what you are, they will not like you more for pretending to be what you are not.” (Rabbi Jonathan Sacks)

There is great truth in this. It’s easy to want to put on a show for people you love, people who seem “better” than you (spoiler: they are not), and people you hope to keep in your life. For me, I was always afraid of losing people. I still struggle with this fear. When I worry they’ll forget me or not need me around anymore, I force myself to pretend that everything’s okay when I’m around them and do whatever I can to make them need me or want me around.

But by the end of the day, it makes me feel unsatisfied. That’s because the only way we can feel satisfied in our relationships is when we put them in God’s hands and stay true to who we are. Though we’d like to have certain people in our lives forever, sometimes it’s not meant to be. Every relationship has a reason, whether they last a week or for decades. Even a short interaction with a waitress or a cashier might be life-changing. You never know.

God uses different people for different seasons of our lives. He wants us to find people who love us just the way we are. Yes, they should encourage us to grow, but they shouldn’t make us feel bad for being who God created us to be, quirks and all. And if they leave, they leave.

But you know who will never leave? God. He is the light. No dark facade can phase Him. And He will always, always be by your side through thick and thin. It may not feel like it sometimes, when the hard times hit, but I love what a wise friend of mine once said. God saved him from a potentially tragic situation, and he said, (paraphrased), “I know that Jesus was in the seat next to me. Even if I had been seriously hurt, He still would’ve been with me. No matter what, Jesus is always with me.” I will always keep this piece of wisdom close to me. That kind of trust astounds me, and hopefully it inspires you as well.

Breathe in, remembering that you have nothing to fear. Breathe out, remembering that Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you.

For you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light.
Ephesians 5:8

Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psalm 139:12

For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son
Colossians 1:13

But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.
Ephesians 5:13

Running the Right Race

With all the terrible things in our world, it can be easy to lose hope. Here is some encouragement when running the race called “life”.

My dog, Rocky, is something else, let me tell you! I’ve only had him a little over a year, yet I could fill a book with stories about him. From the time he broke into the bathroom to get to my aunt (who happened to be showering and thought he was a murderer…and who hasn’t stayed with us since) to yesterday’s shenanigans of ripping open a new tissue box and taking large chomps out of each tissue, he’s quite the character. He’s got boundless energy…unless he’s napping, in which he would prefer to not be disturbed 🙂

Recently, he’s figured out where our house is in perspective to the other parts of the neighborhood. Take him anywhere, and he can lead you home. In fact, if you try taking him anywhere, he will lead you home. Apparently he believes once around the block is enough exercise for him.

Today, as we were turning the corner and our house was in view, his little legs stretched out as he fast-walked. His tail was in the air, his tongue hanging out, and his eyes fixed on the prize: home. I called out his name a few times, but nothing could distract him. He knew where he was going and nothing could get in his way.

The apostle Paul compares our lives to a race. In multiple letters, he commands us to “run the good race” by following God’s truth, exercising self-control, and most of all, fixing our eyes on the prize. And that prize is eternal, nothing we can even comprehend down here.

It’s easy to get distracted from the prize, life with God, when we are in the world, doing the day-to-day things. Our anxieties, relationships, and work can make us forget that there is more to us than this life. We can feel bogged down by the weight of this world when we see our climate declining, families in desperate situations, and people being discriminated against.

It’s important to fight for justice and help those in need. In fact, Jesus commands us to do just that. However, when it feels like nothing will get better, we must remember that this world is only temporary. We can only do the best we can, and then we have to trust that Jesus knows what He’s doing.

God can seem cruel by allowing evil to take place in the world. But He knows the future. He knows that while there are certainly present suffering, it is nothing in comparison to the wonderful things He has in store for us. We must not blame Him for the bad things that happen, and instead focus on what good He may be bringing from it.

We just have to keep running the good race and remember that God is in control. I believe in you. Don’t give up.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

Is This Person Right for Me?

Have you met someone you really like, but you aren’t sure if they’re meant for you? Or maybe you had a person in your life that you wish you could get back? Here’s some advice that will hopefully encourage you.

I don’t believe in “right person, wrong time”. I understand the idea. Sometimes, we meet someone who we think is super great, and then things don’t work out. We want to blame anything we can. They weren’t understanding, we weren’t attractive enough, the timing was off. If it had only been different circumstances…

But no, I can’t and won’t believe that. I believe with my entire heart that God places the people in our life at the time when we need them or they need us. Often, it’s mutual benefit, even if we can’t see it at the time. God knows what He’s doing. He’s got a bigger plan, even when we can’t make sense of it.

The thing we don’t want to admit is that this person that we cared so much about wasn’t meant to be in our lives. We may have invested so much into the relationship, whether emotionally or otherwise, and now it’s all gone. But nothing is put to waste, even painful things. Often, those painful things are what bring us closer to God and teach us the valuable lessons we needed to learn before meeting the “right” person.

Speaking of the right person, you may be wondering if the person in your life right now is the person you’re meant to be with. It’s tough to know that for sure, but there are a few things you should look out for before pursuing a relationship with them. If these things apply and you believe God wants you together, then you should go for it! Who knows, you could end up making the second best (after starting a relationship with Jesus, of course 🙂 ) decision of your life!

They love God more than anything else

This one’s a little hard to wrap our heads around. They have to love someone more than us?! But yes, just one other person, or rather, being. If they put God first in their life, then they will make decisions that best help both of you. You will see them grow into an even better person. And their faith and dedication will inspire you. Speaking of which…

2. They help you grow in your faith

This one is just as important. It’s wonderful for the two of you to grow together in your faith. Perhaps you are at different stages, and that’s okay. The most important thing is that you help each other on your faith journey. That can look different for different people. For some, it might be going to church or doing a Bible study together. Maybe you text encouraging verses to each other and discuss what God’s doing in your lives on a regular basis. Whatever it is, they encourage you and strengthen your faith.

3. They pass the “coffee filter” test

You might be confused on this one, and that’s okay. I recently heard of this concept from a mentor in my life who was sharing how she had to do the “coffee filter” test on her husband before they got married.

Let’s be honest, you both will not agree on everything. If you do, then you are not being honest with each other. It’s totally fine, and good actually, to have differences. It makes life interesting and helps you both learn about other perspectives. But there are always a few things that cannot be tolerated, and it’s important to distinguish between the “not preferred” versus the “cannot tolerate”.

When you use a coffee filter, you see how some things can slip through while others are too big and stay at the top. The things that slip through are the differences or slightly annoying characteristics of the other person that you can live with. Maybe these quirks are helping you grow…in patience :). But then there are some no-goes, the things that are too big to ignore or tolerate. If the person cannot change in those areas or you think it would hurt who that person is to change, then they may not be the one for you.

4. They encourage you

I mentioned encouragement in the faith area, but encouragement in other areas of life is important too. Encouragement looks different for different people. Personally, I enjoy personalized compliments and spending quality time together. For others, it might be gifts, exciting adventures, or even just a fresh cup of coffee in the morning.

When someone is a good encourager, it means they care enough to see what encourages you personally. They may not get things right every time, but when you are around them, you feel like the best version of yourself.

5. They help you pursue God’s calling

This one can get tough, because when we care a lot about someone, we only want the best for them. But our best doesn’t always line up with God’s best, and we can often forget that God’s version of “best” is better than ours.

When you have a calling and you know it’s from God, your significant other should encourage you to pursue it and understand why you feel passionately about it. Of course, this doesn’t mean they have to automatically jump up and want to join you, but it does mean they respect your decision and want you to do whatever God leads you to do.

I hope that this advice helps you! This topic means a lot to me personally for many reasons. I grew up in a home where my parents were unequally yoked (one was Christian and the other wasn’t). In some ways, it strengthened my faith because it had to be my own. But in other ways, it deeply saddened me as I had to keep the biggest part of my life to myself when around one of my parents. They also couldn’t connect on the spiritual level nor had the same priorities, which made life less pleasant for them.

I’ve also experienced the feeling of “right person, wrong time”. I really thought this person was the one, and then he wasn’t. That broke my heart, but over time, I’ve realized that God has better things in store for me. It’s taken me a year to figure that out, and I want to help you if you are in the broken hearted stage right now.

A friend once told me, “I’m confident that you will end up with a really good, godly person. And I’m not confident about most things!”

That really encouraged me. As for you, I believe the same thing. If you listen to God and follow His lead, you will end up with just the right person.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:2

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:18-19

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
Romans 13:8

Earning Grace

Do you struggle to comprehend the true meaning of grace? Here is some advice and encouragement.

I have yet to understand the purpose behind reading The Great Gatsby in high school. Although it was entertaining, I hardly remember any compelling themes or relatable topics in the book. The one thing I do remember, however, is an enlightening conversation we had regarding “new money” and “old money”.

New money is money earned by someone during their lifetime. They had to work for it. Old money is inherited money, passed down from generation to generation.

My teacher asked us, “Which seems more fair? New money or old money?”

We responded unanimously, “New money!” Even though it didn’t seem fair for either party to be filthy rich, at least with new money, it is well-deserved.

I’ve been trying to comprehend the meaning of grace over the past several weeks, and why we have such difficulty accepting God’s grace in our lives. Then I came to a profound realization while reading What’s So Amazing About Grace, by Philip Yancy. The reason we don’t understand grace is because it goes against what our society deems “fair”.

Think about it. Does it seem fair for one employee to work seven hours and get paid a hundred dollars while another works one hour and gets the same paycheck? No it doesn’t! In fact, it probably irritates us just thinking about this scenerio.

Yet Jesus gave that same example when explaining God’s generosity and grace to His disciples. Grace doesn’t make any sense. We can’t really make it make sense. When we do something wrong, we expect to have to make up for it. Of course God wants us to repent, but He doesn’t require us to do a certain number of good deeds to earn back His affection.

Let’s be honest: none of us deserve God’s grace. I don’t, you don’t, no one does. Yet we all are given this priceless gift simply because God loves us. We can’t do anything to earn God’s love. It’s simply there.

So what now? How can we show that we understand God’s grace in our daily lives?

Well, by extending that grace to others and to ourselves.

And I know that it’s hard. I struggle with it too. It means forgiving someone before they say sorry, letting go of past resentment even when it seems “too late”, having the self-control not to snap when someone pushes your buttons, not criticizing yourself over the littlest (or biggest) mistake.

But when we extend that kind of love through grace, we are finally showing others the true nature of Jesus. Sure, anyone can be kind, because it makes sense to be kind. Sure, anyone can be responsible, because responsibility pays off. Sure, anyone can be loyal, because there are consequences for being unfaithful. But can anyone be grace-filled? No, because grace doesn’t make sense.

Yet it is by grace that we are here. It is by grace that we are still breathing. It is by grace that we are saved and loved and chosen by Jesus.

And when you finally allow yourself to soak in the meaning behind those words and the verses that pour out Jesus’ love for us, you will begin to see your life change.

He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.
2 Timothy 1:9

Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.
John 1:16

When I stumbled,
I stumbled
not backward
but forward.
So that when I fell,
I fell into grace.
Morgan Harper Nichols

Too Late…Or Right on Time?

Do you feel like life is passing you by? Here’s hope for the times when you feel too late to make a difference.

Growing up, one of my biggest fears was being late. Late to school, late to appointments, late to practices. My stomach would churn, my heart would race, I would gag in the car on my way if I knew there was a chance I’d be late.

So often, we are afraid that things are too late. We think God’s answer to our prayer is too late. We’re too old to meet someone new. We’re too burned out to make a difference. We’ve been sick too long to be healed, and if we are healed, then why didn’t God heal us fast enough?

I think this stems from our society’s fear of being late. It started off as a sign of respect, being on time. That’s a good thing. It’s good and professional to be on time to meet. But now there’s this stigma around being late to life events. Oh, you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life by the time high school’s over? Too late! Oh, you aren’t married and you’re over thirty? Yikes. Oh, you haven’t gotten the job of your dreams by age forty? Guess you never will!

Besides how hurtful these assumptions are, and how they are completely WRONG, they also cause us to doubt God’s timing. And let me tell you something, God’s timing is never off.

I’ll never forget 10th grade, the year that completely changed my life and my relationship with God. I struggled with my mental health; I was really lonely. I thought my loneliness would be “cured” if I had someone to eat lunch with. I tried reaching out to different people, but after being rejected countless times, I stopped. Then, a few weeks before school got out, I realized a fellow classmate was also sitting all alone, and we were able to eat lunch together for the rest of the year.

I kept wondering why God didn’t allow us to connect until so close to the end of the year. I wouldn’t have had to suffer the rejection and humiliation of being all alone, I told God. But then, maybe I wouldn’t have realized how much I need God. I might not have had this burning passion to reach those who feel lost and alone, unseen and unheard. Though that year was tough, really tough, God used it to bring about longer lasting effects than if I’d gotten what I wanted right away.

Waiting often comes with pain, whether we’re waiting to be appreciated, loved, healed, or valued. But in the end, pushing through it is worth it. There have been many times when I’ve wanted to give up on things that God’s called me to do. His answers haven’t come “fast enough” or the reward for the action, whether it be a word of thanks or a renewed relationship, haven’t been given to me yet. But I’ve come to realize that God gives us those things right when we need them most. Not when we think we need them, but when we actually do.

And the best part is, those things that we think we have to wait for, we can find in God. He calls us chosen, loved, valued, seen. He loves us and wants us to come running to Him when we feel anything less than that.

Don’t give up hope. God is never late. He is right on time.

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him.
Ephesians 3:16-21

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.
2 Peter 3:8

The Mysterious World of Love Languages

Whether they’re your friend, parent, sibling, or significant other, you want them to feel loved by you. But how can you go about doing that in a way that’s special to them?

Let’s be honest–we all have a preferred way of showing love to others and receiving it. Sometimes, one person’s knitted scarf is another person’s bear hug. It’s important to understand the different love languages in order to help others feel God’s love. Jesus’ biggest command was “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” This seems simple in theory, but when we combine this command with people who experience love differently than us, it gets complicated. But the best way to understand others is by learning about them.

So…how do we go about doing that?

First of all, we must understand the different love languages, which have been grouped into five categories:

Physical Touch (Hugs, physically being present, rubbing one’s back…)
Words of Affirmation (compliments, thank-you cards…)
Gifts (things bought from the heart)
Quality Time (long calls, spontaneous hang-outs, trips together…)
Acts of Service (doing extra chores, taking the kids for the day…)

So, now that you know all the types, let’s answer a few questions you might have surrounding them.

If I don’t experience one of these types, do they not love me?

Of course not! I used to wonder that, though. When I was growing up, I saw other kids get hugs from their parents all the time, while with my dad, it was more of a yearly thing. I learned to realize that his love language isn’t physical touch, but acts of service, since he was always doing things for me. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, just that he shows it in a different way.

However, if someone close to you isn’t showing you the type of love that makes you feel loved, it’s possible they just don’t realize that you have a different love language than them. It’s important to speak up and share what makes you feel good. It’s also important to not get too caught up in what we think we lack and rather notice how to help others instead. Sometimes loving others ends up being an act of self-care as well.

Does my receiving type have to be the same as my giving type?

I like to think of people having two types of love languages: the type they give and the type they receive. Sometimes it’s the same, but often it’s different.

For me, I clearly love words, and speaking words of affirmation is my favorite love language. (Though it’s hard to choose just one!) But in terms of receiving love, I feel more loved when people spend quality time with me. To me, time is the most valuable gift a person has, and if they are willing to share it with me, then I am honored.

The bottom line is that it’s okay–good actually– if you encompass multiple types, enjoy all or only one of them, and experience love differently than how you give it out.

How can I find out people’s love langauges?

The first way is the most simple: just ask! Most people know what they enjoy, even if they don’t know the specific “categories”. You don’t have to feel shy about it; it shows that you care when you are willing to ask.

However, there are other ways of figuring this information out too. See how they show you or others love. Even if that’s not their primary receiving love language, I’m sure they still enjoy it and would appreciate the reciprocation. Notice what they talk about a lot and what they are passionate about. That can also give indications as to what they enjoy and what makes them feel alive.

Is there a way to love people “wrong”?

No! God gives us all different spiritual gifts. Yours might be making a delicious meal for a family in need while another’s is writing thoughtful cards. While it’s good to keep in mind what loved ones’ preferred love languages are, it’s also important to stay true to yourself when showing love to others. It may not feel authentic if you do something you are not comfortable with.

As always, follow God’s leading when it comes to loving others. He adores it when we show the world His compassion and kindness. When you follow His Spirit, you’ll be amazed all the people out there who are waiting to experience His love through you. ❤

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Ephesians 3:18-19

Love Letters to God

Do you struggle going to God after it feels like He hasn’t heard you? Here’s some encouragement.

If I were to describe love letters in three words, they would probably be vulnerable, humiliating, and bold. Now, I know it might seem like a cop-out to write a letter rather than share romantic feelings in person, but I think it’s just as brave, and possibly more meaningful. It takes more patience, because you have to actually wait for a response. Plus, it takes a ton more effort.

As person who has written (and sent) a love letter before, I can testify that it changes your life. Maybe not in the way you want or the way you expect. For me, I didn’t suddenly have the “relationship of my dreams”. Instead, I was given a new sense of confidence and appreciation. The life I wanted wasn’t what was best for me, and now I’m glad I didn’t get what I wanted at the time.

But I’m not here today to talk about romantic love. I’m here to talk about a love that is just as important–actually, more important–and can feel just as painful sometimes. Our loving relationship with God, which sometimes doesn’t feel “loving”.

Have you ever poured your heart out to God and ended up feeling exposed, even humiliated? That usually happens when A) we mistake God as a critical, angry God or B) we don’t get the results we want.

I’m not sure what you’ve been told, but God is not ashamed of you. He loves you and He welcomes you with open arms, even after you’ve made mistakes. It takes a long time to realize this, especially after making devastating mistakes. However, it’s nevertheless true.

As for not getting what we want, I’m sure we’ve all been there. I’ve shared about my long-distanced friendship with one of my best friends and how we haven’t been able to be in communication for months due to technology issues we have no control over. The day before the last time we talked, I poured my heart out to God, tears streaming down my face, bitter words on my tongue. Then, I heard from her. I thought God heard me (which He did), and that was always going to be His answer.

Well, turns out He has something else in store for us, though I’m not sure what yet. At the moment, He’s teaching me to place my beloved friend in His hands and to trust Him. But I won’t lie, at first, when I poured my heart out to Him again and again with different results, I was frustrated. I wondered if I was doing something wrong, or worse, that God didn’t care anymore.

But here’s the thing: God isn’t a magic genie who grants our wishes. When we pour our heart out to God, we won’t always get the answer that we want. But we will get the answer that’s best for us.

I don’t say that lightly. What’s meant to be will happen. When we place our difficulties into His hands, we aren’t guaranteed answers, but we are guaranteed peace. The moment I let go of the situation, I felt an inner peace. Sure, I’m still worried sometimes or frustrated, and I go to God when I feel that way. But I also know that He will always love me and do what’s best for all of us.

I never want you to stop running to God. He wants us to come to Him because He’s the only one who can truly heal our wounds and give us peace. But when you go to Him, go because you want to be in His presence rather than hoping your wishes will get granted. No one can manipulate God, which is really good, because if everyone was in control, our world would be way more chaotic than it already is.

Perhaps today you can write a love letter to God, confessing what’s on your heart and seeking healing. Love letters are often a way to find closure. Maybe when you write about what’s bothering you, you will be able to understand it better.

I’m sorry for whatever you are going through. You are allowed to feel the pain. You are valid. You belong here. And you will get through this. I promise.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow — not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below — indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35, 37-39

What Counts as a Sin, Anyway?

Do you often worry about pleasing God with your actions? Here is some advice and encouragement.

In a world where truth is often undermined, it’s difficult to find answers to society’s toughest questions, especially the ones from within the church. There’s so much debate over whether or not certain actions or attitudes are actually “sins” or should be accepted.

Before I delve into my thoughts on the subject, I want to remind us (including myself) that God is the ultimate and only Judge. What makes Him a good judge is that He cannot sin. He is perfect.

We, on the other hand, are in need of His grace daily. It’s easy to be distracted by the speck in another’s eye when we have a log in our own. If we don’t struggle with lying, then we will have an easier time looking down on liars. If we don’t struggle with gossip, then we feel the liberty to guilt those who do. But God doesn’t see us as liars, thieves, gossips, or even sinners. He sees us as who we can be, and are–His precious children.

That doesn’t mean we can do whatever we want, though. Because of His great love for us, Jesus came as an atonement for our sins. If we never sinned, He never would’ve had to come. And if you think about all the evil and pain in the world, you’ll be uncomfortably reminded that sin is very prevalent in our world.

All sins are weighted the same. No sin is worse than another, and no sin is better than another. They all require the same price–death. But when asking myself whether or not an action or idea is a sin, I think of sin in two categories:

Very Obvious
The “Grey Area”

I’m sure we could list out the very obvious sins, such as murder, adultery, idol worship…so I’m not going to focus on that part. You can find all those things spelled out in the Bible, especially in the Ten Commandments.

The “Grey Area”, though, is tricky. A lot of things can fall into the grey area, and sometimes the Bible doesn’t give word-for-word definitions of these actions. That doesn’t mean we should continue doing these things, though, which is why I’m sharing the three things that help me decide whether or not something is a sin.

It Comes Between Us and God

This is the biggest factor for me. Whenever something comes between us and God, it is an idol. Idols aren’t just little wooden statues that we bow down to every day. They often take the form of our ambitions, careers, and even loved ones.

Now, that doesn’t mean those things are bad. God wants us to love others, have dreams, and do honest work. But we always have to put God first.

Some questions to ask yourself if you think you’re putting something before God are:

Am I spending more time thinking about this than God?
Would I deny my faith to get this thing?
Is this taking away my time with God?
Does this thing make me more reliant on myself than God?
Am I trusting this more than I’m trusting God?

Now, I totally get that you have to put food on the table, which means spending more time in the office than at church. But think about whether or not this activity or person is interfering with your relationship with God. Has God felt more distant since it came into your life?

It Hurts Others

One of Jesus’ most important commands was to love our neighbors as ourselves. Jesus clearly demonstrated that over and over again by sacrificing His time, status, and ultimately His life for others. It hurts God when we get hurt because He loves us so much. So I’m sure you can understand that when you do something to hurt others, God isn’t thrilled. In fact, it breaks His heart.

Now, as I shared in my post about boundaries, we aren’t supposed to be doormats for others. However, when given the opportunity, we should do whatever we can to show God’s love to people.

Here are a few things to stay away from when you are trying to not to hurt people:

Gossip

Let’s be honest, we’ve all done it, we may or may not have had to suffer the consequences of it. But gossip truly does destroy relationships and causes deep wounds within others. If you are conscious about what you’re saying, you’ll find yourself gossiping less and less.

2. Lying

Honesty shows others that you respect them, but also that you respect yourself. You are not ashamed for who you are and what you believe. Even if you have to say something that others don’t want to hear, in the long run, they will be glad that you didn’t keep anything from them.

3. Brashness

I’m disappointed by the negative connotation the adjective “sensitive” has taken. I believe that sensitivity is actually a strength. It means taking the time to think about what you will say, especially on a touchy subject, before speaking. Sensitivity can mend wounds instead of digging them in deeper.

You Have a Certain Feeling About It

When we spend time in the Bible, with wise mentors, and in prayer, we are able to sense the Holy Spirit and where it’s leading us. Paul actually shares in his letters of when the Holy Spirit told him not to go to certain places and where he should go next.

It’s actually incredible how part of the Holy Trinity is inside us. We shouldn’t take this gift for granted.

Much like a conscience, the Holy Spirit often gives us a sense of right and wrong. It’s not always good to rely solely on our feelings, but when we have an instinctive feeling about something or someone, it is often the Holy Spirit.

Once you get that feeling, go back to the Bible and what you know about God. Does it go against God’s character? Have others been pulled away from God by this activity or situation?

God gives us wisdom generously when we ask for it. So if you are ever confused, simply ask, and listen.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:23-24

Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save,
or his ear dull, that it cannot hear;
but your iniquities have made a separation
between you and your God.
Isaiah 59: 1-2

Boundaries: All I Learned From My Mistakes

Are you feeling burned out, as though the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Today I’ll be sharing everything I learned from my mistakes when it comes to making boundaries with people.

You’ve tried so hard to be nice. Now, though, things are catching up to you and you still see no reward. Your boss never gave you the promotion or recognition. The person you like still treats you like trash. Your family is only piling on more demands.

I think it’s pretty clear why we need boundaries:

For our own mental health

People who struggle with boundaries also often struggle with self-esteem. They believe they have to earn their way into someone’s heart by doing things for them, even at the cost of their own peace and time.

For our energy

When we are taking on too many tasks or carrying too many emotional burdens, we get exhausted. When we’re not rested, we aren’t helping anyone. We are often grumpy, not seeing situations clearly, and lacking in joy. Rest is so important, yet often put at the back-burner, and neglected when we take on too much.

For our relationships

Any good relationship of any kind deserves to be built on respect. But if one person acts like the workhorse of another, then there certainly isn’t respect happening. But it’s not just the person without boundaries who’s lacking respect. It’s also the person doing all the work. When we don’t make boundaries, we get annoyed at the people we are serving, and resent them more and more over time.

How Making Boundaries Changed My Life

I’ll be honest–I used to be terrible at making boundaries! Especially at church, because I thought it was wrong to say no to good opportunities. But the truth is, there will always be some opportunities that seem good, but just aren’t meant for us. Even now, I occasionally struggle, but I have grown a lot from my mistakes. Hopefully you won’t have to make the same ones as me, but if you have already, perhaps this will help you learn from your mistakes too.

Mistake #1: Repaying, and Repaying, and Repaying…

We all have that one person in our lives. You know the one. They act all friendly when they want something, eager to do anything for you. But then, once they do one favor for you, suddenly you’re indebted to them for life!

I’ve had this happen to me on multiple occasions, but most recently it occurred with a person at my church. She was a great help to me by offering to assist me in my college search and giving me wise advice. She even gave me some experiences I lacked in my college application process that required her time and energy. When I ended up choosing the college she recommended, I felt even more grateful to her.

However, we had a meeting shortly after this happened, where she asked me to help with three different ministries. I love all three of them– children’s ministry, youth ministry, and the host team. I wanted to help with all of them, and I had planned on helping with two. Yet, I was feeling swamped between my new job and demanding course load, which I had already told her about. But because she had done so much for me, the least I could do was agree to these commitments, right?

As I began to work more with her, my joy and affection for my church dwindled. I hardly ever got to listen to the sermon. I was frustrated working under her because I found out she wasn’t clear on giving directions or generous with appreciation. The other leaders I was working with were cold towards me. The students in one ministry seemed more interested in their phones than in even answering “how are you?”.

The worst part was that I blamed myself. The truth was, I could’ve said no. I could’ve told her I only had time to be involved in one or two of those ministries. Then perhaps I would’ve enjoyed my time at church more and would’ve connected more deeply to the people I was serving. I was also irritated that her sacrifice of one day to help me had to be repaid with an entire year’s worth of service.

It’s easy to get pressured into saying yes when we feel guilty for someone else helping us. But we always have to make decisions with the right intentions. Serving in ministry is a wonderful thing, but even that can be done for the wrong reasons. Same with other tasks that seem like good or kind things. You will enjoy life to the fullest when you start saying yes because Jesus tells you to rather than out of obligation.

Mistake #2: Trying to Be Someone’s Hero

Let’s be honest, the easiest way to boost our self-esteem is when we find someone who is immediately drawn to us and wants us to rescue them from their difficulties. We want to be their only source of assistance and advice. We want to be the one they rely on.

But the truth is, besides the fact that should never try taking the place of God, it’s also incredibly exhausting playing “hero”. When we don’t live up to our own expectations, we feel like failures. It discourages us from reaching out in the future. If the person suddenly doesn’t need us anymore, then we feel resentful towards them, feeling betrayed.

I have tried being someone’s “hero” before, but I actually learned this lesson best when someone else tried to be my hero.

A few years ago, I was in a difficult place. I didn’t have very many friends or people to confide in. I never stood up for myself. Then came along an older friend who was more than willing to listen, hang out with me, and introduce me to others. She would say how similar we were to each other, which now I wonder was her way of reassuring herself that her influence over me was working.

I believe she honestly thought she had good intentions. She cared about me and wanted me to feel connected. But not connected without her.

After growing a lot as a person, I began expressing my own views, taking on leadership positions, and making new friends. I wasn’t telling her my deepest fears or secrets anymore. I had new people to share things with or I was able to process things with God. I didn’t need her in the sense that I was dependent on her anymore. I obviously wanted to stay friends with her, and at the time, I hadn’t realized I was her “project”.

I found that out the hard way when we butted heads on a very personal issue, a decision I wanted to make that truly didn’t involve her. However, she had probed until I told her about it, and suddenly she wanted to take over. What shocked her the most was when I disagreed with her. I was no longer this “infant” who needed to be guided, babied, and nurtured. Instead, I was her equal, a person who had her own views and could handle herself.

The thing we argued about came and went. I’m sure I’ll even forget about it eventually. But the thing I’ll never forget is how hurt I was when I realized our friendship was built on her desire to be my savior rather than my companion.

If you really care about someone, don’t try to be their hero. Instead, point them to the only one who can really save them: Jesus.

Mistake #3: Pleasing the Wrong Person

I’ve mentioned people-pleasing many times, and that’s because I struggle with it a lot. I’ve talked myself into believing that nothing can compare to the burst of joy I feel when making someone happy, even when it’s at the cost of my own well-being or my faith.

I have so many instances of people-pleasing that we could be here all day. However, I’ll share of when I felt most convicted about it.

My mom and I were discussing a few responsibilities we had taken on and how we felt we couldn’t speak up on issues we felt passionately about for fear of angering the people we were working with. We’ve ruminated over this topic countless times, mostly because of how frustrated we feel.

Afterwards, I went to do my daily Bible reading, and I started the book of Galatians. Then right there, it was as though God was speaking right to me.

“If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Galatians 1:10

Whoa. To be honest, up until that point, I didn’t think the phrase “please people/people please” was even in the Bible! But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how right Paul was in this sentiment.

When we work towards pleasing people, whether by ignoring the way they talk about people we love, taking on too many of their unwanted tasks, or doing things for them that we wouldn’t normally do, we aren’t pleasing the one that we should care most about: Jesus. People pleasing can be an idol in our lives because we put people before Jesus. We can only have one master, will it be Jesus or the fear of displeasing others?

So Now What?

You might feel embarrassed or ashamed, but don’t be. It can take a long time before we realize we are valued enough by God to not seek validation from others. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to realize that. God understands our desire to make others feel loved, and sometimes that starts off by not having boundaries, and ends up being something healthier.

When discerning whether or not to say yes to something, ask God for His wisdom. He promises to give it out generously. Also ask yourself whether or not you need to trust Jesus if you say yes. If an experience will bring you closer to Him, then it is always worthwhile. But make sure you are still carving out time in your day to rest and spend time with God.

Here are a few books I’ve found helpful when it comes to making boundaries:

The Best Yes, by Lysa TerKeurst

Boundaries, by Henry Cloud

What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, by Lysa TerKeurst

The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the Lord.
Proverbs 16:33

But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.
Joshua 24:15

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.
Matthew 6:24

Why You Don’t Have What You Want

Are you upset right now because you don’t have something that you believe is meant for you? Here is some encouragement.

What is it that you want most in life? A different job? A significant other? A deeper relationship with Jesus?

If I were to ask you why you don’t have that thing, you’d likely come up with a plethora of reasons. Perhaps you don’t believe you’re qualified or attractive enough. Maybe you believe only a theology degree can get you an intimate relationship with Christ.

Though those answers may sound convincing, the truth is, there are two reasons why we don’t have what we want.

The first is pretty self-explanatory: It isn’t meant for us. Sometimes that person who seems perfect is actually the one who would’ve broken your heart had God allowed them to be in your life. Maybe that job isn’t the one that would help you witness to the most people. Whatever the reason may be, Jesus knows it’s better for us to have something or someone else.

The second reason gets a little more complicated: fear.

Did you know that you are at least 20% more attractive than you feel? That’s because we allow ourselves to believe the lie that we aren’t beautiful. In fact, it’s almost easier to believe that we are unattractive than admit that we are created in God’s image. It’s also easier to hide behind the idea that you aren’t good enough or attractive enough to talk to the person you like rather than admit your true feelings.

The same goes for other goals in life. We often say we aren’t qualified rather than go back to school and learn. We would rather say we don’t know than spend time in the Bible finding the answers.

This isn’t laziness– it’s fear.

We fear rejection. We fear conviction. We fear judgement.

I believe that there are two main things that separate people from God: fear and pride. When we cling onto our fears, we forget the truth, that God has a wonderful plan for us and that He can do anything. We believe that we are on our own, with no one there to save us. But actually God has an amazing plan for you and He can use you to do remarkable things.

The saddest thing about fear is that it keeps us from reaching out to others. Have you ever thought about how incredible it felt when someone expressed their appreciation to you or wanted to get to know you? Then how come it’s so hard to reciprocate that action to someone we don’t know very well? Because of fear. We don’t know their reaction.

God doesn’t promise to tell us the results before He calls us to do something. You might experience humiliation or defeat. But in the long run, it will be worth it, because you will have no regrets. You will know that you did what God wanted you to, and that feeling is enough to bring you peace.

Today, ask yourself if there are any practical steps you can take in getting what you want. If God has made it clear to you that this isn’t what’s right for your life, then step away and trust that something better is in store. But if God is calling you to take a leap of faith, then do it. Reach out, share your feelings, learn something new.

We can’t comprehend the incredible things God is doing through us. That’s why we just have to take it on faith and trust the results with Him.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
1 John 4:18

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34