Tag: pain

Changing the Way We Speak to Ourselves

Are you tired of the cliche advice about improving your mental health? Here is the best advice I have when it comes to our conversations with ourselves.

On this Encouragement Thursday, I’ll be taking a break from my “Life Hacks” series to talk about something I find incredibly vital when seeking a fulfilling, joyful life.

There are so many theories on how to have the “best happiness” or really how to have the “best mental” health. A lot of times this advice comes in the form of annoying cliche expressions, such as:

“With every storm comes a rainbow.”

“Just stay positive!”

“You got this!”

“If you actually try your best, then success will follow.”

I could keep going, but you get the idea, and in fact, you could probably create a list like this yourself. Sometimes, when life is going amazingly spectacular, we agree with this advice. We might even give it out. But then, when the storm really hits, and all our mind can think to do is criticize, these words hurt. They sting. Then they carry with us to the next storm, and the next, until the storms feel never ending.

What’s truly the secret to having better mental health?

Well, the truth is there’s no clear cut way for each person. We’re all different. But to me, the best way of improving mental health is cultivating encouraging conversations in our minds. Changing the way we speak to ourselves and about ourselves, especially in certain conversations.

Talking about our trauma

By the time someone reaches the end of their life, they’re bound to have experienced at least one traumatic event. This often comes in the form of death, illness, or violent experiences. But sometimes trauma can be an ongoing pain or experience. Trauma takes many forms, it’s not something that can be boxed in. While an event might not be a big deal for one person, it might be truly traumatic for another. Yet our society doesn’t seem to understand that trauma comes in many forms. That has caused us to undermine our traumatic experiences.

Here are some key things to think about when discussing or thinking about the effects of your traumatic event(s):

  • Stop apologizing or feeling bad about your limitations

When I got into a serious car accident, I didn’t want to admit how much it had affected me and my mental health. I struggled with asking for help, and when I did, I felt guilty about it for years afterwards. It has taken me until now, two years later, to realize I am worthy of the help I received. I am also not any weaker for asking for help.

Do you often apologize when asking for help? That stems from lacking self-worth. Yet Jesus calls us His precious children, worth dying on the cross for. When we find our worth in Jesus, we will begin to realize we are worth it. Jesus is the source of our strength; therefore, we will never be “weak”.

  • Rephrase the way you view your shift in capabilities

For months after my car accident, I would hide my fear of driving by saying I was “bad at it”. That got ingrained in my head and only further heightened my anxiety. Instead of saying I was bad at it, I should’ve said “I’m not a confident driver”. That shows that I may not be there yet, but I can be someday.

When you think about yourself, don’t put your capabilities into a tiny box. You have so much potential. Instead of saying “I can’t do this”, say “I can’t do this yet“. Instead of saying “I don’t know how”, say “I don’t know how right now, but I hope I will someday”.

Leave room in your life for possibilities.

Is everybody watching?

Whether you’re shy, self-conscious, or have social anxiety, I’m sure you can relate to the feeling of everybody watching you when you enter the room. Perhaps we get this idea from the countless movies that depict the scene where the protagonist enters the school dance and all eyes turn to her. Or maybe the media has done it by providing new articles on scandals and intimate details of celebrities’ lives.

Well, I’m here to tell you something. No, everybody is not watching. And if someone happens to be, they will likely not remember what you’re wearing, whether you have a smudge of sauce on your face, or if you’re frowning. The only way you’ll make a grand entrance is if you’re carrying a giant stuffed money or an inflatable scarlet parrot 🙂 *spoken from others’ experience*

But think about it, do you remember what so-and-so was wearing, even if they were “popular”? Probably not. You just remember what you were wearing or maybe what your crush or best friend was. You might not even remember that!

Let’s face it: we’re in a self-obsessed world. While people can go on and on about how that hurts others, I think that hurts us the most. When we focus too much on ourselves, we lose track of the important things, like whether or not we reached out to the lonely person in the corner or if we said “thank you” to the tired hosts. We also begin that negative self-talk, like “everyone must think I’m an idiot for wearing bright orange” or “I don’t have any friends because no one’s talked to me in ten minutes”.

No. Trust me, all they’re thinking about is themselves and how bad they feel.

You know what would be memorable, though? (Besides the inflatable animals?) Being the one who makes someone’s day by complimenting their unique outfit or going across the room to talk to them. Be that person. Be the person who gets out of their head and into the heart of someone else.

What does God have to say about all this?

If you’re a long-time reader of The Will to Wake Up, you know that most of my posts come back to faith. And the truth is, you might be wondering what all this has to do with God. Does God care about what we say to ourselves?

In a word, YES.

You don’t think those +365 times He says “Don’t worry” in the Bible was intentional? Um…okay.

You don’t think “Set your mind on things above” refers to thinking about things that matter rather than things that are temporary? Sure…

You don’t think Jesus emphasizes how He’s the giver of peace because He knows we’ll struggle with retaining mental stability? Well…

The list could go on, and hopefully these few examples are sparking the other instances God reminds us of how important it is to take our thoughts captive. The bottom line is this: When we find our worth in Jesus and remember that He’s the only One who’s watching us, then we don’t have to worry about living up to others’ expectations. We don’t have to live in fear of being worthless anymore.

Your experiences, your pain, and your joy are all valid. People care about you. Jesus cares most of all. Today, instead of thinking bad things about yourself, tell Jesus your concerns and ask Him to give you peace.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:2

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

“Skimming” Through the Hard Parts

Is it easy or difficult for you to confront your painful feelings? Here is some encouragement.

Growing up, I was always a fast reader. I’d love rereading my favorite stories, and one of the benefits of knowing the plot ahead of time was skipping or skimming through the parts I didn’t like. Those parts generally included descriptions of bodily harm, embarrassing moments (second-hand embarrassment is real!), and generally any time a character I liked got hurt.

It appears my method of “skimming through the hard parts” has stuck with me through the years. I’ve been journaling for several years now, during a time when I’ve changed a lot, and looking back at old entries makes me cringe! I used to enjoy going through old journals, but now I avoid it because I’d rather just ignore the embarrassing (or even painful) memories.

I’ve shared this before, but I’m not one who easily shares her feelings. I don’t like to admit something has hurt me. Perhaps I subconsciously think that admitting weakness makes me a weak person.

A wise mentor once told me that “the moment we admit something made us afraid, fear loses its power over us”. That will forever be one of my favorite quotes, and to think I heard it in person! Today my pastor tweaked this idea a little bit in a way that may help us both be willing to admit our wounds.

During my Easter series, one of the posts was focused on Thomas and how we can relate to him. Jesus welcomes our questions and our doubts; they aren’t signs of unbelief. Believe it or not, Jesus can handle whatever question we throw at Him!

In the service this morning, the pastor shared how Thomas was able to touch Jesus’ wounds for himself. They must have been healed in some way, right? Thomas wouldn’t have needed to even ask the question of where Jesus’ wounds were if Jesus had blood gushing out of His palms. But yet, there was still enough of a mark to show everyone that He was truly Jesus. And perhaps those wounds never went away until Jesus ascended into Heaven.

But did Jesus hide His wounds, these symbols of the pain and torture He endured? No, he opened conversation about them. He used them as ways to bring others into belief.

What kinds of wounds have you been carrying around with you? Perhaps it’s a painful loss, an abusive relationship, a childhood trauma. Or maybe it’s being rejected, not being seen, or feeling betrayed. Whatever you have been hiding, allow yourself to fully grieve.

You can only heal when you admit your pain and your loss. You can only heal when you allow yourself to feel what you’ve been avoiding, or “skimming”. You see, we can’t skip over the hard parts in life. We can’t speed up the grieving or healing process.

And in those moments of grief, if we turn to God, we can find belief. We can find answers. We can find unexplainable peace.

These wounds are always going to be a part of your story, but they don’t always have to be a painful part. They can lead others to Christ or bring you closer to God.

Today, ask yourself, “What am I running from? What about grief or loss makes me avoid it?” Allow God’s comfort to fill your heart.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Romans 15:13

Holy Week Series: The Pain of Humiliation

How can we learn from Jesus’ example when experiencing humiliating situations?

Today is Good Friday, when Jesus was mocked, flogged, and ultimately killed, events that we should all agree are anything but “good”. There are so many points I could share in this post about Good Friday, but what I’ll focus on today will be the utter humiliation Jesus had to experience before being crucified.

In a study by Psychology Today, they found that when you’re humiliated, “the degree to which your brain is activated is more pronounced than with other emotion-inducing conditions”. I often wonder how much physical pain we’d be willing to endure in order to avoid humiliation. Often during studies of Good Friday, there’s a lot of focus on the physical torturing Jesus experienced. And He went through so many things that no one should experience, not to mention the Son of God! He was flogged, had a crown of thorns put on His head, was struck on the head with a wooden staff, forced to carry a cross that was estimated to have weighed over 300 pounds, hung on a cross with nails pierced into His flesh, and later stabbed in the side with a sword. Even experiencing one of those things would be traumatizing and incredibly painful, yet Jesus endured them all.

But you know what might have hurt even more? Being the most powerful Being in the entire universe, being the Creator of us all, and being spit on, mocked at, striped of clothes, and ultimately feeling the weight of people’s unbelief in who He really is. He died because He is our King, our Messiah. It was out of the “self-interest” or “envy” of His betrayers that He was killed (Matt. 27:18).

And if you think about it, that’s why humiliation exists, huh? If we are envious of someone, we are tempted to put them down in order to feel better about ourselves. Sometimes when we hurt others by humiliating them, it’s because we are putting our needs above theirs. We’d rather get things done quickly, so we don’t phrase things the right way and it stings. We’d rather not deal with the messiness of Christ-centered relationships, so we just dump people. We’d rather think we know everything than admit that someone else is right.

On the flip side, when we are being humiliated, it’s easy for us to get upset at God or others. We don’t believe we deserve the humiliation (and we don’t when others intentionally humiliate us). But still, we can find strength to endure the times when we are humbled through seeing how Jesus responded to being humiliated. And let’s be honest, I highly doubt (and I certainly hope) that any of us will go through what Jesus went through.

Yet, through it all, Jesus was:

  • Self-controlled

Like He told His disciples, He could’ve sent a legion of angels there to defend Him. He had the power to destroy everyone in a single second. He could’ve revealed the deepest, darkest secrets of the people mocking Him. We might be tempted to take revenge against those who humiliate us, but instead we should follow His example and use self-control.

  • Silent

Now, I’m not telling you to suffer in silence if someone is hurting you. Please speak up if you are in a bad situation so that you can be helped.

However, if you are in a humbling situation, instead of getting all upset and egging on the people who are humiliating you, try Jesus’ approach of being quiet. Allow yourself to be filled with God’s love and peace instead of anger and discouragement.

  • Living out “Thy will be done”

Right before Jesus was arrested, He told His Father that while He would rather not suffer through all these painful things, He wanted God’s will to be done. We often pray that same prayer, yet how often do we actually believe it? Aren’t we easily swayed by our own timetables and frustrated when things don’t happen when or how we want them to?

Instead of being fixated on your plan, turn your eyes and heart to God’s plan for your life. Allow your prayer to be sincere and be open to what God wants you to do with your life.

A fact that may encourage you is that while being humiliated causes us to experience many difficult emotions, “the way you feel is a direct function of the way you think” (Psychology Today). Jesus was able to endure all those terrible things because He knew who He was (and is!). He’s Jesus, the One who will rise up again in three days, the One who will defeat the Enemy. When we remember who we are, when we find our worth in who God says we are rather than who the world defines us as, the affects of humiliation will be learning from our mistakes and solidifying who we are in Christ rather than pain, grief, or discouragement.

Today, thank Jesus for all the hardships He endured to save you. He loves you so much. When you are in humiliating situations, remember Jesus’ love for you and don’t take those harsh words of others to heart.

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Psalm 36:7

9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

1 John 4:9-10

The Thing That Hurts Us

Are you really angry at someone right now? Did someone hurt you deeply? Here is some advice and encouragement as to how to heal your heart.

I was recently doing a Bible study with some friends, and the message for that week was about how important our thoughts are to our well-being. Not only that, but to our relationship with God.

If you’ve ever struggled with loneliness, anxiety, depression, or stress, I’m sure you can agree that those intrusive thoughts that bombard our minds seem to take over our lives.

But I think something that people don’t often associate with our mental health is anger. Anger can easily take over our lives and destroy our relationships. Not only that, but it can destroy our mental well-being too.

I think it’s interesting, in a sad way, that our society seems to glorify being angry.

“Oh, you’re angry at that side? Excellent, that means that you are the best supporter for us.”

“You’re mad that this person won? Go fight for your beliefs!”

People often support their anger with the story of how Jesus turned tables over in the temple. “If Jesus was angry, then we can be angry too!”

Being angry is natural. But it doesn’t mean we should stay angry, and it does mean that we need to pay attention to what we are doing with our anger. When Jesus expressed His anger over the injustices going on in His city, He did not hurt people with His anger. I think that’s a good question to check ourselves with. When we are doing ____ because we are angry, does that hurt anyone?

The next thing to think about is, where is the root cause of this anger? Is it hurt? Frustration? Something unrelated to the thing you’re fueling your angry energy towards?

Jesus spoke against the rulers that were harming people’s relationship with God. Jesus was frustrated by the unfairness and lies being spread. He was standing up for truth.

I’m going to admit something to you right now. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been very angry at a couple people in my life. I didn’t want to feel hurt, so instead I fueled my energy towards thinking negative thoughts about them. I wanted to feel powerful, powerful enough to be in charge of my feelings.

But then I came across this verse, and it frightened me.

“In your anger, do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Ephesians 4:26-27

Whoa. Okay, just take a moment with me here to think about this. When we are angry, we allow the devil to work through us. That is certainly frightening, isn’t it? That means that instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to be the One guiding us, we are allowing our enemy to take over. That’s such an incredible loss. That means we gave over to our real permanent enemy, not just the temporary one we’ve found in a friend, relative, or random internet stranger.

Then, as I kept reading, I was struck by this additional verse.

“And do not grieve the Holy Spirt of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”

Ephesians 4:30

When we are angry, we hurt God.

I know a lot of times we think we are just hurting the other person when we think angry thoughts about them or when we seek revenge. But the thing is, we are hurting everyone involved– ourselves, the other person, and God. God is involved in our daily lives, which means He knows when we are upset. He understands when we are hurt, but instead of letting our pride get in the way, we need to come to Him and express the deep pain we are feeling.

Because, let’s face it. We are angry because we allowed ourselves to become vulnerable enough to trust someone, and they blew it. They might’ve betrayed your trust in numerous ways. It could be taking the opposite side on an issue you’re passionate about. Maybe they told someone something personal about you that ruined your reputation. Perhaps they didn’t show up in your life the way you thought they would–maybe even in a way they previously promised they would.

Friend, it’s totally normal and okay to be upset when someone does terrible things to us. Or even not-so-terrible things that still hurt us.

But we can’t stay stuck in those feelings. We have to forgive them.

Because if we don’t forgive them, we are losing our battle against the evil in this world. We are allowing our lives to be run by our anger instead of our love.

So today, if there’s someone you need to forgive, even if it’s just in your heart, please do it. It will change your life.

When I took that step to forgive those people, my life didn’t change over night. But I did feel an overwhelming sense of peace and a burden lifted off my shoulders. And the next time I am hurt by someone, I will have to remind myself that no matter how hard it is, I shouldn’t make the hurt worse by allowing resentment to take over.

Instead, let us both place those feelings in God’s hands and move on with our lives.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

James 1:19-20

Enduring Pain

If you feel stuck, trying to figure out if there is any good that can come from your pain, keep reading.

A random skill that most people wouldn’t know I have is being a pretty good back massager. You heard me right…and you’re probably wondering why you’re still reading!

Well, I’ll get to the point…soon. You know how we Nines love our stories 😉

My mom used to tell people that she had a daughter simply to get free back massages, and a small part of me occasionally wonders if that’s true considering the frequency at which she requests them. As humans age, as you may know from experience, they often experience muscle stiffness. Tonight I was helping my mom get a knot out of her back, and after the allotted time I had agreed to perform this service was up, I asked if she wanted me to continue. She laughed and replied, “I would like that, but I don’t think I can endure the pain.”

This part may not surprise you, if you know me at all. After she said that, I suddenly knew I had to blog. Not about muscles, weird skills, or getting old. But rather, about pain.

About a year ago, one of my first posts was about pain and how many people often use numbing mechanisms to avoid it. Little did I know that throughout this past year, I’ve struggled with dealing with my pain and negative emotions. I often choose to not feel things, but then that includes the positive, happy memories as well.

I think avoiding pain can be one of our biggest mistakes in life. The longer we avoid the pain, the longer we avoid the good that can come out of that pain. God does not take us through difficult seasons without a reason. He knows that there’s something better at the end, but we just have to persevere. And sometimes that means trying something again that may have previously hurt us.

Now, I’m not telling you to go and let people walk all over you. I don’t want you to get into a dangerous situation or go backwards on a process towards good health. But if God is calling you to try something again, whether it’s a relationship, a career, a hobby, or perhaps even just diving back in your Bible, then you should go for it.

We love making excuses as to why we can’t possibly embrace our pain. We tell ourselves that we can’t endure it. And we’re right, we can’t.

At least, we can’t alone.

But God is always with us and He will give us the strength to get through anything.

I’ve seen so many people go through things I could never imagine going through with such bravery. They continue to live for God, they continue to go about their daily lives, and they will still be heroes, such strong people, in my eyes when they admit their pain and sorrow.

Don’t allow fear of people’s reactions to affect how you grieve, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or a forgotten dream. The ones who are meant to be in your life and really care about you will give you the space to feel what you need to feel.

I know it’s hard trying again. I know it’s hard doing what God calls us to do. I’m not going to sit here and expect you to suddenly change your life or do things that risk heartbreak alone. I’m going to try to get out of my comfort zone and figure out my emotions as well, in a healthy way.

I know that we can both get through whatever life throws at us because we are empowered by our Creator. God loves us and designed us to need Him, and when we turn to Him, we will overflow with His grace, courage, and perseverance.

I’ll be praying for you. Don’t give up. ❤

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

James 1:2

The Painful Thing About Pain…and How We Avoid It

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

-Corrie Boom

Common Misconceptions

As a Nine, I have often been told that we procrastinate, over sleep, and become overly obsessed with our couch and Netflix. However…that’s not really the case for me. I get up at a early/reasonable time pretty easily (except on a few rare occasions), I used to despise sleeping as a child because I thought it wasted away the day, and I am usually too stressed about deadlines to procrastinate. (Can’t say too much about the TV problem when it comes to the Flash though…) That made me question my Nine-ness when I was first learning about the Enneagram. However, I learned to realize that sleeping meant more than just laying down. It meant all the times I daydreamed about false realities to comfort myself, all the times I actually made myself more busy in order to avoid other tasks, and all the times that I mentally blocked myself from accepting the truth. I have heard experts talking about this as the not physical “sleep” Nines often take part in. This might be a coping mechanism for you too, and I want to help us both figure out another way to deal with pain.

Our Reasons Why

People without this habit might often wonder why we feel like this does anything to help the situation. Some might guess that it’s so we can feel instant happiness instead of dealing with the long awaited troubles. Honestly, I feel like it’s beyond the instant gratification. If you’re anything like me, the last thing you want to do is be a burden to other people. I may not be a Two in the sense that I try to go out of my way to do things for other people (even though I do try to sometimes), but if I can keep my feelings and problems to myself, then I feel like I won’t worry someone. Or better yet, that I never have to find out that my problems DIDN’T concern anyone else. Slightly off topic but I feel like a huge Nine fear is that we don’t matter to anyone else. (I’ll touch on this subject in a future post). But feeling the pain of that or other things ranging from loneliness to confrontation are the things that make us inwardly shut down even if we are outwardly getting everything done. Another thing that may be a factor in how we handle difficult things is the fact that although we may appear calm on the outside, we are having a constant panic cycle going on inside. It’s not always there, but when a stress arises, we still want to hold control and our way of getting “control” is by turning off the things that are in our way.

The Hard Truth

I’m sure that everyone already knows this, but it’s an important reminder: eventually, the thing that we’re avoiding is going to happen, whether we like it to or not. We might be able to stall something, but that could make it escalate into an even greater problem or at the very least, it will still occur.

However…

We do not have to let these problems become what we have made them to be in our heads. At least for me, the more I think about things, the harder it is for me to take action. I analyze what could go wrong, how people will react, and how hard it could be to do. But if we just go out and face our problems, then we can finally move on. Moving on is so hard for me, whether it be in relationships or from certain feelings. I tend to cling onto what I know. However, the best way to move on is to address the issue right away and then be able to have peace about the situation. And we Nines love peace, don’t we? 🙂 And the important thing to remember is that we don’t have to go through hard things alone. When I see my friends going through things, all I want them to know is that I’m there for them. The important thing for us is to have those people in our lives, who are willing to actually listen and pray for us.

A Few Tips

First of all, remember that no matter what, it’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to take some time for yourself to reflect on the situation, to pray, and to find comfort. It’s even okay to take a while to process what happened. But then there has to be a time of taking action and letting go.

As for some tips for processing things, here are some that have helped me:

  • Taking a long, quiet walk
  • Journaling (Either prayer journaling or just journaling your thoughts and feelings)
  • Talking things out with a close friend or family member (sometimes it’s better to do it with someone who is unrelated to the situation so that they do not have a bias or can give new insight)
  • Making a playlist that helps you (I have a few songs that give me comfort, and when I’m going through a rough time, they have really helped me get perspective)
  • Making a list of what hurt you specifically so that you can address those things and not make the situation bigger than it really is
  • Making a list of positive people or events in your life that you are thankful for

In Conclusion…

I one hundred percent understand how hard it is to deal with things that feel out of control and it’s easy to slip into that “sleepwalking through life” mentality. But if you do that, then you will miss the good as well as the difficult. Just know that the pain isn’t going to last forever, and if you have made it this far, you have the strength to get through it. Thanks for reading this, and let me know if this was any help. I hope you all have a blessed day!