honesty – The Will to Wake Up

When Saying “No” is Kinder Than Saying “Yes”

What if saying “no” actually improves your relationships?

Have you ever been in a situation where you are with a loved one and they ask you for a favor or want to do an activity with you? Even though you don’t really want to or lack the time and energy for it, you still say yes?

You rationalize this yes with “If I say no, then I’ll be hurting their feelings” or “I’m not a good friend/family member if I say no”. You may have even been taught that “no” isn’t allowed.

But the truth is, being able to say “no” is the key to having healthy relationships.

Slip into their shoes for a minute: Wouldn’t you rather have them be honest with you than go along pretending that they are interested, just for you to find out later that they only came out of obligation?

Plus, the more times you say yes to things you don’t want to do, the harder it will be to say no in the future. Maybe this one little favor doesn’t seem like a big deal, but then it builds up to a weekly thing or ends up taking you away from causes you feel more passionately about.

Yes, your initial “no” may cause your loved one to be disappointed at first. However, if they are truly someone who cares about your wellbeing, then they won’t let your answers stop them from wanting to be in a relationship with you.

When you really care about someone, you’ll want to do whatever you can to be on good terms with them and make sure they feel loved by you. The best way to have a healthy relationship is to be upfront with them from the beginning. Then they know you are trustworthy and mean it when you say you love them.

A disclaimer is that the Holy Spirit’s voice always overrides our feelings. If you do feel called to help someone or spend extra time with a friend, it could be the Holy Spirit intentionally placing you in their life for reasons you do not yet know. But make sure that when you do say “yes”, you are doing it for the right reasons.

Unhealthy Yeses

You feel obligated
You want praise or validation in order to feel needed
You feel like you have to return a favor someone else gave you
You are burnt out, yet you feel like you need to add more to your plate
You know deep down that you shouldn’t say yes
You are dreading helping this person

Healthy Yeses

You genuinely want to help and may even feel more energetic after being there for this person
You can feel the Holy Spirit guiding you into this action
It would not stress or overwhelm you
You have peace about saying yes

Saying “no” can be uncomfortable at first. However, the more you do it, the easiest it will get. Your yeses will have more significance once they are truly what you want and bring you peace. The way you uniquely love others will blossom beautifully when built on honesty.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
Ephesians 4:25

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.
Proverbs 11:3

All Together

Do you find it difficult to relate to people who seem to have it all together? Is it tempting to only share the parts of your life that are going well?

Recently, I’ve heard a lot of people note how, especially within the church, we are inclined to share how we successfully made it through past pain and difficulties, yet we are reluctant to reveal how we don’t have it all together in the present. The more I’ve thought about this, the truer it sounds. When we pretend like we have everything figured out, we are doing a disservice to both ourselves and the people witnessing our spiritual journey.

The truth is, no one has life figured out completely. They may look like they do, but they really don’t. Last week, I had lunch with an old friend, and we were discussing our plans for the next year. She eagerly shared how she would be joining a smaller community which she described as “nerdy”, which she looked forward to being a part of. I remarked that meant she wouldn’t feel like she had to keep up an image of having it all together. She laughed and replied, “When have I ever looked like I’ve had it all together?”

This is coming from someone who had the perfect grades in school, a great family, a comfortable home, played on a pro soccer team, nearly published a book at age 18, and had a decent sized friend group. To the outside observer, yeah, she did seem like she had it all together.

Prior to her confession of not “having it all together”, I assumed she saw herself as a successful, brilliant young woman with a bright future ahead of her. In fact, I was even a little intimidated by her as I thought about how far she had come in her goals while I felt so far back. Yet in that moment, I realized how truly terrible it is when we assume others have it better than we do.

When we see someone win a gold medal or receive a promotion, we don’t always hear about the sweat and tears it took to get where they are today. When we enviously watch others find the love of their lives or a boss who finally respects them, we don’t know about all the people who have rejected them or belittled them in the past. The point is, we don’t each others’ full stories. Even if everyone read a memoir written by everyone else, we still wouldn’t know each others’ daily thoughts and struggles. There’s no way we can take on that kind of responsibility.

That’s why it’s important to focus on the tasks God has given us specifically to do instead of looking over our shoulders at people who seem to have it better.

Additionally, when given the opportunity to share our testimonies, whether in front of a small group or one-on-one with a friend, we need to honest about how God is using our daily lives. That includes our setbacks, our moments of wondering whether or not we really overcame our past fear or regret. It also includes appreciating the little joys of each day, knowing that they may fade away tomorrow, yet we can still enjoy them in the moment.

Today, let yourself be vulnerable where you are being called to be vulnerable. Obviously, not everyone is in a place to hear about the deeper parts of your story. However, when God is calling you to share your story, don’t allow the temptation to appear as perfect as possible take over. Remember how the relatable messages of others have resonated with you. People can’t learn from human “perfection”. However, we can learn from the truths buried inside life’s ups and downs.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:29

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.
John 15:7

Song Recommendation: All Together, by Mike Donehey: https://youtu.be/IV2PdVlcUDw

Words of Wisdom

Have you been hurt by someone’s words in an argument?

We all have that one phrase that gets under our skin. It’s usually a criticism, and something people don’t realize harms us. Often it’s meant to shine a light on a weakness of ours (or maybe a perceived weakness that we’re working on), but it wounds instead.

For me, it’s being called “selfish”. I’ll never forget the time in middle school when I was first outright called selfish. My mom and I were in an argument and she used that term against me. That stung deep because my whole life, growing up as an only child, everyone assumed I was self-centered. And I’ll admit, I’ve had moments of being selfish. However, it was something I was working on and worked so hard to not be. I felt like a burden and did everything I could to not make things about myself, even sacrificing my sanity sometimes. But there it was, that evil word. This particular irritation, this deep wound that comes when it’s implied that I’m not thinking of others, must stem from this feeling of needing to earn my worth, of not sacrificing enough. Often, these “trigger phrases” come from past pain and deep seeded lies from the enemy. Nonetheless, they cause us to spiral into self-doubt and cause us to forget who we are in Jesus.

I don’t blame my mom, or others who have used this adjective. My mom even denies having that argument because she can’t imagine saying that and she affirms me on a regular basis. However, whenever the word “selfish” comes up, it still stings.

Today, when I shared how I felt about a sensitive subject with a friend, she shot back, “You’re not the only one going through hard things.” That hurt. That hurt a lot. To me, that was an implication that I’m a selfish person. While she didn’t mean to wound me, it went far deeper than she realized.

But this post isn’t a debate of whether or not I’m a selfish person. It’s about what I’ve learned from being hurt by other people’s misguided remarks. I know I’ve hurt others with my words before, especially words coming from an angry place.

Words hold a lot of power. A lot more power than we realize. We won’t always realize how much they can change others’ lives, whether for good or bad. That’s why we have to be careful with our words, using them sparingly sometimes, or inserting them into heated conversations to bring peace other times.

The issue with words is that they are so easy to say or type or write. In a few seconds, there can be a whole angry paragraph on text sent out. Or in the blink of an eye, we’ve opened our mouths and spit out the very same hurt someone else has thrown at us. When we don’t think, we can’t exercise wisdom.

Now, I’ll be honest, it’s pretty much impossible to never hurt anyone’s feelings, especially with your words. But it’s important to always keep in the back of your mind that your words may have more impact than you realize. So make that impact positive. Make your words be what lifts people up.

For me, the phrase “You’re never alone” has stuck with me from a prayer a friend prayed over me during a retreat during one of my darkest times. Still when I hear it, I feel an instant sense of warmth and love. I feel God’s presence beside me. It has the opposite effect of “You’re not thinking of others”.

We all have weaknesses. I have more than I can count, and sometimes selfishness is one of them. Sometimes speaking before I think is one of them. When we see a brother or sister in Christ struggling with a sin that’s hurting others, we should find a way to help them work through it. But we shouldn’t make them think that they are any less of a person by struggling with something because we are no more perfect than they are.

It is by God’s grace that we are here, and when we extend that grace to others, we will begin to see the world in a whole new light. The light of God’s unfailing love. ❤

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.
Ephesians 2:8

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
James 1:19

What Counts as a Sin, Anyway?

Do you often worry about pleasing God with your actions? Here is some advice and encouragement.

In a world where truth is often undermined, it’s difficult to find answers to society’s toughest questions, especially the ones from within the church. There’s so much debate over whether or not certain actions or attitudes are actually “sins” or should be accepted.

Before I delve into my thoughts on the subject, I want to remind us (including myself) that God is the ultimate and only Judge. What makes Him a good judge is that He cannot sin. He is perfect.

We, on the other hand, are in need of His grace daily. It’s easy to be distracted by the speck in another’s eye when we have a log in our own. If we don’t struggle with lying, then we will have an easier time looking down on liars. If we don’t struggle with gossip, then we feel the liberty to guilt those who do. But God doesn’t see us as liars, thieves, gossips, or even sinners. He sees us as who we can be, and are–His precious children.

That doesn’t mean we can do whatever we want, though. Because of His great love for us, Jesus came as an atonement for our sins. If we never sinned, He never would’ve had to come. And if you think about all the evil and pain in the world, you’ll be uncomfortably reminded that sin is very prevalent in our world.

All sins are weighted the same. No sin is worse than another, and no sin is better than another. They all require the same price–death. But when asking myself whether or not an action or idea is a sin, I think of sin in two categories:

Very Obvious
The “Grey Area”

I’m sure we could list out the very obvious sins, such as murder, adultery, idol worship…so I’m not going to focus on that part. You can find all those things spelled out in the Bible, especially in the Ten Commandments.

The “Grey Area”, though, is tricky. A lot of things can fall into the grey area, and sometimes the Bible doesn’t give word-for-word definitions of these actions. That doesn’t mean we should continue doing these things, though, which is why I’m sharing the three things that help me decide whether or not something is a sin.

It Comes Between Us and God

This is the biggest factor for me. Whenever something comes between us and God, it is an idol. Idols aren’t just little wooden statues that we bow down to every day. They often take the form of our ambitions, careers, and even loved ones.

Now, that doesn’t mean those things are bad. God wants us to love others, have dreams, and do honest work. But we always have to put God first.

Some questions to ask yourself if you think you’re putting something before God are:

Am I spending more time thinking about this than God?
Would I deny my faith to get this thing?
Is this taking away my time with God?
Does this thing make me more reliant on myself than God?
Am I trusting this more than I’m trusting God?

Now, I totally get that you have to put food on the table, which means spending more time in the office than at church. But think about whether or not this activity or person is interfering with your relationship with God. Has God felt more distant since it came into your life?

It Hurts Others

One of Jesus’ most important commands was to love our neighbors as ourselves. Jesus clearly demonstrated that over and over again by sacrificing His time, status, and ultimately His life for others. It hurts God when we get hurt because He loves us so much. So I’m sure you can understand that when you do something to hurt others, God isn’t thrilled. In fact, it breaks His heart.

Now, as I shared in my post about boundaries, we aren’t supposed to be doormats for others. However, when given the opportunity, we should do whatever we can to show God’s love to people.

Here are a few things to stay away from when you are trying to not to hurt people:

Gossip

Let’s be honest, we’ve all done it, we may or may not have had to suffer the consequences of it. But gossip truly does destroy relationships and causes deep wounds within others. If you are conscious about what you’re saying, you’ll find yourself gossiping less and less.

2. Lying

Honesty shows others that you respect them, but also that you respect yourself. You are not ashamed for who you are and what you believe. Even if you have to say something that others don’t want to hear, in the long run, they will be glad that you didn’t keep anything from them.

3. Brashness

I’m disappointed by the negative connotation the adjective “sensitive” has taken. I believe that sensitivity is actually a strength. It means taking the time to think about what you will say, especially on a touchy subject, before speaking. Sensitivity can mend wounds instead of digging them in deeper.

You Have a Certain Feeling About It

When we spend time in the Bible, with wise mentors, and in prayer, we are able to sense the Holy Spirit and where it’s leading us. Paul actually shares in his letters of when the Holy Spirit told him not to go to certain places and where he should go next.

It’s actually incredible how part of the Holy Trinity is inside us. We shouldn’t take this gift for granted.

Much like a conscience, the Holy Spirit often gives us a sense of right and wrong. It’s not always good to rely solely on our feelings, but when we have an instinctive feeling about something or someone, it is often the Holy Spirit.

Once you get that feeling, go back to the Bible and what you know about God. Does it go against God’s character? Have others been pulled away from God by this activity or situation?

God gives us wisdom generously when we ask for it. So if you are ever confused, simply ask, and listen.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:23-24

Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save,
or his ear dull, that it cannot hear;
but your iniquities have made a separation
between you and your God.
Isaiah 59: 1-2

Life Hack #3: Honestly…

Sharing one of the best pieces of relationship/friendship advice I’ve ever received.

Growing up, how many times did you hear, “Honesty is the best policy”? Perhaps it was during the plagiarism speech at the beginning of every school year. Or maybe it was in a conversation with your parents after losing a friend over a “little white lie”. But have you applied it to your life as an adult?

Random thought: I almost wonder if I should change this series’ name to “Debunking cliché advice”. Hmm…

Anyway, I’ve given this idea of honesty a lot of thought. I’ve been trying to figure out why it’s hard. I’ve come up with three ideas:

We assume honesty means brashness

When someone tells you, “Just be honest with them”, you might picture yourself walking up to a person and crushing their dreams. Or maybe you think honesty means never using tact when talking about a controversial issue.

Well…how should I put this? No! That’s how our society has gotten honesty wrong, especially in light of all the recent tension and civil unrest.

It’s important to be true to your beliefs, especially when standing up for others or for your faith. But it’s also important to realize that people don’t come to their ideas overnight. It has taken years of experiences, pain, and advice from a variety of sources to get them where they are today. So when sharing your views, realize that part of honest means honestly listening to the other side and appreciating them as human beings, even if you don’t agree with them. And you certainly don’t have to agree with them.

Here’s the thing: People will want to listen to you more if you speak the truth in love. People will feel less attacked and more appreciative of where you’re coming from.

2. Honesty takes humility

Ah, humility. This idea revisits us once again, as it seems to do in my own life on a regular basis. We try to run, but we can’t hide from it. Being humble is one of the core attributes of a follower of Christ.

How does honesty take humility, though?

Well, being honest can mean “taking one for the team”. It might mean being the first person to admit you’re nervous about something. Or it could look like sharing your faith even when it isn’t the popular thing to do. Honesty means we’ll have to admit that we aren’t always right, that maybe the thing we were fighting for isn’t the best after all.

And that’s hard. That’s really hard. But if we aren’t honest about those things, we’ll miss out on growing as individuals and in relationships.

3. Honesty means sacrifice

In the movies, when someone makes a startling revelation and reveals the truth, they are often greeting with celebration or victory. But in real life, people may not respond to our honesty in the way we’d like them to. Perhaps it’s a confession of our true feelings, and the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe it’s sharing a controversial viewpoint that sends an old friend away. Whatever it is, if it matters to you, it needs to be shared. Unfortunately, that does often mean losing people. But the true friends, the ones who really care, will be there with you when you show your true self.

Why is honesty so important, anyway?

If being honest takes so much work, why is it so important in life?

Think about it, how has another person’s honesty changed your life? Maybe it was a current significant other making the first move towards building a relationship with you. Perhaps it was a parent admitting their faults and healing some childhood wounds.

Here are a few ways honesty has impacted my life, and as I share, continue to think about your stories too.

Honesty has made me feel more comfortable

A few nights ago, I went to my first social gathering after COVID. I was pretty nervous about seeing a ton of people I hadn’t seen in over a year. Perhaps you’ve also experienced this.

When I first got into the venue, a girl I hadn’t talked to in over two years came up and started chatting with me. I greatly appreciated her efforts, and even more so after what she said next.

“You know,” she said. “I might have seemed forward for coming over here like this, but I really don’t know anyone anymore and I wanted someone to talk to.”

In that moment, that’s what I needed to hear. I wasn’t alone in my nervousness. A gesture she might’ve found awkward or uncomfortable was actually what made me feel comfortable. Her honesty inspired me to reach out to others and be willing to be true to myself.

Honesty significantly impacts the success of romantic relationships

I have a friend who desperately wanted to be in a romantic relationship with someone and she asked for my advice. Though I’ve observed others’ relationships, I didn’t have much personal experience to go off of, so I spoke with a friend who doesn’t know her, so he’d have an unbiased point of view.

I shared with him how my friend has lied about who she likes to her crush and how their relationship has been based off guessing the other person’s feelings and lack of communication.

He replied, “From my experience, particularly my last relationship that didn’t work out, I’d say honesty is the most important thing in relationships. It might already be too late for them.”

And true to his word, once my friend was honest with her crush, she didn’t necessarily receive the response she had been hoping for, but she finally knew the truth. The truth can be hard to swallow, but important for moving forward.

This was also a good reminder to me to start relationships off with honesty rather than trickling it in as time goes on.

Honesty can heal old wounds

As I shared earlier in why some people avoid being honest, there’s this false idea that honesty only hurts people. But the truth is, honesty can be the medicine to a relationship.

I’m currently in a season of transition. Many of my friends are also moving on or moving away, or both. They seem to tie together often.

Anyway, while in a conversation with an old friend who had hurt me in the past, I gingerly brought up how our friendship had ended. I didn’t do in an accusatory way, but in a way that revealed how I had truly felt about the situation. It helped that it happened years ago, so I had time to process and no longer be mad about it.

This brought so much healing and closure to me, and I’m sure to her as well. We were finally able to realize how far we’d come and how we’ve changed as individuals. Honesty takes maturity, I’ll give you that much. That’s why it’s hard. But it’s the only way to find true closure when letting go of the past.

Does God want us to be honest?

Well, I think you can answer that one yourself. But yes, of course He does.

Jesus never sugarcoated things. He was direct, yet also the definition of love. As followers of Jesus, we should strive to do the same thing.

There’s a Proverb that goes, “Wounds from a friend are better than kisses from an enemy”. Are you upset by a person’s honesty right now? Are you doubting yourself for being honest with a loved one?

In the long run, being honest is the only way you’ll truly get places. Today, think about whether your relationships are based on honesty. I guarantee that the ones that are will last far longer than the ones that are not.

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.
Proverbs 10:9

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
John 8:32

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching.
Proverbs 6:16-20

When to Speak Truth

Do you struggle to know when to tell people a tough truth you’ve noticed about them?

I was talking to one of my friends today, and we both agreed that the thing that seems the most “taboo” these days is offending someone. We do everything we can to avoid it, even lying about important things.

Now, I am certainly not saying you should go out and say hurtful things to others. But I do think we should be more aware of when we compromise our values in favor of flattering someone rather than being honest. We must speak the truth in love, not in a way that is intentionally sharp or demeaning. When we are seeking to be more honest, we must ask ourselves these questions:

1. Why is saying this important?

Words are like weapons. They can protect, or they can destroy. We must use our words to build people up and to help them grow. If this piece of honest advice will help the person you care about, then tell them. If it will help them grow closer to God, then tell them. If this will change an unpleasant situation, tell them.

Really evaluate why you believe you should say this. That may motivate you to speak this truth if you were unsure. This may help you better word what you have to say. Or maybe if you’re saying it for the wrong reason, you can reevaluate what you need to do. But before making any decision, knowing why you are considering doing it is wise.

2. Am I saying this because I want to be honest and helpful or because I want to feel better about myself?

Now, the one place I have seen people blunt and loose-lipped is on social media. People have no issue yelling at each other and criticizing everyone who does one little thing wrong. The reason why this is hurtful and unproductive is because these words, while they may have a grain of truth to them, come from a place of self-righteousness, anger, and hate. Just like the old saying about bullies at school, hurt people hurt people.

So during that evaluation process of why you want to honestly tell someone something, think about if it’s coming from a place of love or a place of pride. Do you feel like you are better than this person? If you do, then what you have to say will likely not help them. But if you believe that you also have things you struggle with, but you’re just farther along on the faith journey, or you happen to have noticed something that could help someone, then you are doing this for the right reason.

3. Is this person already aware of this issue?

Now, I’ll admit I don’t like being corrected. During this time where God’s been teaching me a lot about humility, I’ve come to learn how to discern between constructive and destructive criticism. Then I’ve learned how to accept and grow from the constructive criticism.

But the thing I get so annoyed by is when I’m currently working on a weakness and someone comes up and informs me of that weakness. It’s like, yeah, couldn’t you tell I was working on it? And then I just feel even more discouraged.

Now, if you don’t realize that someone is working on that weakness, that’s one thing. But if you can tell that they are actively trying to improve as a person, then encourage them!

I hope these tips helped you. I know it can be so hard to speak the truth in love, but nothing good comes easy, right? Today, think about how you can better accept truth from people who care about you and want to help you. Also ask God if there’s anything you need to tell someone in your life to help them grow in their faith too.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
1 John 1:8

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
2 Timothy 2:15