Friendships – The Will to Wake Up

The Key to Dealing with Annoying People

Advice for reorienting frustrating relationships.

We’ve all got that person. Maybe several.

The one who pushes our buttons, rubs us the wrong way, and makes us second guess whether or not Jesus really knew what He was talking about when He said we have to love everybody. Surely Jesus hasn’t met this person, right?

I have many “button-pushers” in my life, so I completely understand where you’re at. In fact, trying to be “nice” to these people is something that’s been really hard for me recently.

Many devotionals will tell you to just remember how much Jesus loves them, and you should too. But that’s not really practical, is it?

For me, the thing that helps me deal with irritating people the most is random acts of kindness.

Not “killing them with kindness” in a performative, superficial way that ends up in resentment. Rather, just one simple act as a reminder that they are human and so are you.

Perhaps one act will lead to another and you’ll find yourself a much more patient, generous, and compassionate person. Or maybe it will end at one, but even kind deed can change someone’s life.

We all make mistakes. We won’t get along with everyone. But these tiny things can add up to make big changes in the most difficult of relationships.

The truth is, we really don’t know what’s going on in another person’s life. Maybe this act of kindness will soften their rough edges or improve your relationship. Or maybe it won’t and things will feel the same.

But you won’t ever have to regret showing them God’s love. You will have peace knowing that you did the right thing and someday maybe they’ll see that.

And above all, pray for them. It might not seem like it will make a difference, but I promise you, putting all your difficulties into Jesus’ hands is the best way to find wisdom and grace.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
James 1:2-3

Appreciating Each Other

A pressing reminder when we are tempted to take others for granted.

For many, a story is a story by the way everything gets wrapped up all nice and pretty, like a Christmas present. The characters are happy by the end, fully changed, incapable of any further harm. We are satisfied.

But in life, we don’t often get closure, do we? We say goodbye without even knowing it. We walk past someone for the last time without a second thought. We think we are friends until we’re not.

Recently, I’ve been reminded of the bitter truth that we never know how long we’re going to have with someone.

Why would God allow that?

Honestly, I don’t know. In the wake of a sudden loss, an unexpected diagnosis, and/or division among those once close, it can be hard to make sense of God’s greater plan within all of it.

My best guess is that we are more motivated to be kind and grateful to those in our lives when we remember that we aren’t in control of how long we’ll have them around.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis remarks that, by being made in the image of God, the next closest thing to be with God Himself is when we are among other humans. Now did that put a spin on the way I saw the people who annoy me!

We aren’t perfect and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over being irritated at people or needing alone time. But we should always hold these things close to our hearts when we interact with people.

We really don’t know when the last time will be. We don’t know the full story. We just know that God has placed His creation in our lives for a time, and we can choose to be blessed by them.

Today, I challenge us both to look at the people in our lives with new appreciation. When was the last time you told your loved ones how much they mean to you? Have you seen the people in your life as a gift, rather than a burden?

Going further, to the people who you don’t agree with or rub you the wrong way, how can you still appreciate them? You might think you want them out of your life, and that time may come, but perhaps there is a reason why they are here now.

You are loved and treasured, no matter if others recognize it or not. If no one has taken the time to appreciate you today, I will. You are God’s special creation, designed for incredible things. It is not to late for you to heal and flourish. ❤

Therefore since we are God’s offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by human design and skill.
Acts 17:29

Don’t Be a Mean Enemy

Why should we listen to Jesus’ commandment to love our enemies?

It’s easy to be nice to people who are nice to us.

But every enemy was once a friend, or at least in a proximity close enough to you to have hurt on either side from the falling out.

I’m sure you’ve seen this most often when a couple breaks up and starts posting nasty things about each other online. Soon, you begin to wonder what they even saw in each other in the first place! Or when two close friends or family members break ties, then it’s as though you can’t speak of them again.

So what happens when it isn’t so easy to be nice anymore?

Our culture would tell us to get them back or, at the very least, snub them. They need to PAY for what they did!

But I’d like to offer a new piece of advice, or really a not-so-new piece of advice that Jesus first gave that goes against our human nature.

Let’s love our enemies and pray for those who hurt us (Matthew 5:43-44).

But why? Why should we listen to such a hard commandment?

Here are a few reasons that help me when I struggle (which is often) with being kind to difficult (and even hurtful) people in my life.

We don’t know what’s going on for real.

When we are angry at someone, it’s easy to assume the worst. But the truth is, a lot of times falling outs or unkind words aren’t really about us. They are about something else that is fogging up the other person’s vision that could be hurting them or making them lash out. This isn’t an excuse for mean behavior, but it does remind us to extend them grace.

We may have a part to play in the situation.

Now, this certainly isn’t to victim blame. There are many times when we are hurt by someone who is trying to execute power over us and it isn’t our fault when we are wounded by them.

This advice is for when you don’t want to take responsibility for a difficult relationship even though you may not have been the easiest person either. We enjoy blaming others when we know deep down that there’s something in us that needs fixing too.

But the best path to healing is forgiveness. Having enough grace and humility to admit our mistakes and not let them define us, and also extending that mercy to others.

We have been forgiven for far more than we could ever forgive someone else.

It’s important to remember who is telling us to love our enemies: Jesus. Every time we sin, we hurt Jesus, acting like an enemy to Him.

But Jesus loves us anyway and paid the ultimate price to be in relationship with us. He knows what it’s like to forgive something so painful, a true betrayal, and still love anyway.

Whenever we get the chance to forgive someone, it’s an opportunity to grow closer to Jesus and feel grateful for His sacrifice.

We look rather ridiculous holding a grudge.

Sorry to be direct, but it’s true, isn’t it? We all roll our eyes when someone goes on and on about their issues with someone, and yet we are just as inclined to act the same way. I know I have, and likely will again in the future.

But there’s always time for a fresh start. Even just the effort of being more considerate with your words and actions towards someone you don’t like will make it harder to be unkind to them in the future. Allow yourself to process the pain and anger without acting in impulse.

Then you’ll never have a regret, and you just might find yourself with a friend again 🙂

But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
Luke 6:27-28

The Root of Resentment

What if the root cause of anger is really pain?

I could feel myself drifting before I knew why.

We were good friends. The best of friends, even. And yet I was becoming more and more resentful of the “perfect life” I thought she was leading.

Slowly, minor things she’d say would sting deep into my heart. I was *this close* to ending our friendship, if there’s even a way to formally end a friendship. (They say breaking up with a friend is harder than a significant other, and I wholeheartedly agree)

But then a mentor in my life told me something that stopped me dead in my tracks:

“We often resent those who we are lacking something from.”

In that moment, I realized that I wasn’t really mad at my friend. I was hurt because I felt like she didn’t need me anymore. That her life was suddenly better than mine.

And I was wrong.

If you are in that place in a friendship, I encourage you to do one thing. It might seem small (yet difficult, given how you are feeling right now), but it could save your relationship.

Reach out and ask them how they are doing. How they are doing really.

No “I’m fine” or “I’m pretty good”. The full story is the only way to realize that perhaps you have misjudged a few things. Maybe they aren’t living it up while you’re left behind. Maybe they still want you after all and were waiting for you to reach out.

And taking this action will remind both of you why you are friends in the first place: Because you care about each other!

The root cause of anger is not rage or injustice. I believe it is pure pain.

When we are hurt by someone, we don’t want to feel weak or overpowered by them. We want to feel stronger, and anger makes us feel powerful.

You are powerful when you are angry. It isn’t wrong to be angry, but it’s important to not let your anger control you.

Evaluate the situations in which you feel particularly frustrated. Has someone made you feel less than your true worth? Or have you been used in an unfair way that has left you ashamed or desperate?

You aren’t weak for being hurt. You aren’t weak for wanting people to notice you or love you or make you feel like you belong. It’s only human nature.

The truth is, we are unfortunately often unaware of how we affect others. We don’t realize how people long for those fulfillments from us. And it’s not our job to fill everyone’s needs.

But that also means we can’t expect people to define us or make us feel our true worth.

The good news is that we don’t need people to do that, either. We have someone ready and waiting to love us to the fullest extent: God.

God’s love surpasses all pain, disappointment, and despair that has been overpowering your life. You are free from the chains of guilt or betrayal. God will never leave you nor forsake you. God loves you more than words can describe and He’s waiting for you to accept His perfect gift.

So why not take the time today to reach out to God and to that person in your life who you’ve been envious of? You’re bound for a surprise, hopefully one that makes you feel encouraged.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

What Should Our First Priority Be in Ministry?

Though there should be many goals in ministry, one aspect must come first.

Though I’ve only recently become an “official” person in ministry (with a job title), I have volunteered for years and participated in and witnessed others’ ministry. And through that, as different pastors or directors have come and go, each with different missions and ideas, one key aspect has remained crucial. If it was there, it caused the church to flourish; if it was lacking, it was painfully missed.

There are many goals and values people in ministry need to have in mind, but I believe there is one thing that must come before everything else.

Our first priority in ministry is to make others feel cared about.

No fancy ways around this, no complicated language to confuse the main goal. Just simply, make others feel cared about.

Now, you might be thinking, “Caring about others is all fine and good, but what about Church doctrine and the scriptures and equipping others?”

Here is where I must clarify: We aren’t supposed to start and end with making people feel cared about, but it must be our starting place if we want any of the other elements of being in a church community to exist.

I’ve heard many stories of people who have left the Church because they didn’t feel noticed or respected or valued. I had my own experiences in youth group, where I dreaded going for fear of feeling isolated or out of place among people who were supposed to be like family.

You can be a nice person while still missing the mark on this quest for being loving. It takes intentional effort, a pure heart, and thoughtfulness to make people truly realize they belong.

Ultimately, it means embodying (in our own humanly way) the love of Christ.

Regarding the concept that our first priority of the Church should be preaching the gospel, I believe we are preaching the gospel when we demonstrate the key characteristics of the one we serve–Jesus, and giving Him all the glory. Furthermore, Christianity is based on obeying God, but the only reason we want to obey God is because of His love for us. What motive would we have for submission to His will if we didn’t have His love?

The only way to get the Church to go out into all the world and preach the good news is to infuse its members with the kind of love and compassion Jesus brought us.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold people accountable or sugarcoat the truth of God’s word. Rather, the truth is better received when coming from a loving, caring heart. When we take the time to understand God’s word for ourselves, we’ll be better at bringing its attributes into our lives.

Today, whether you serve in a church or not, you have the opportunity to show God’s love to the people in your community. This doesn’t have to be as complicated as it seems. Allow yourself to soak in Jesus’ unfailing love for you and extend that patience, forgiveness, and understanding to others. Simple acts of kindness, remembrance, and grace make all the difference.

This won’t be easy or natural at first, but over time, it will become a part of who you are. And in doing so, you become more like Jesus, which is the most wonderful thing you can ever do. ❤

Show them what you’re made of, the love I’ve been talking up in the churches. Let them see it for themselves!
2 Corinthians 8:24 (MSG)

Presenting Our Gifts

Do you ever worry your gifts aren’t enough?

Have you ever remembered someone’s birthday last minute and had to muster up a frantic, lower-tier gift? Perhaps a few things stored away in case of a rainy day or something that catches your eye while grocery shopping ends up in the birthday bag.

You already feel self-conscious about this gift, but you don’t have the time or means to give a better present. What makes you almost feel worse is when the receiver acts completely shocked and delighted by the gift, a measly gift in your eyes. A gift that could’ve been so much more, but could never fully repay the gift of this friendship.

I had that experience today. I found out about a friend’s birthday with less than a week to get her a gift, yet she’s been such an amazing friend, I knew I wanted to honor her in this way. I managed to put a gift together the day before, knowing before I even gave it to her that I could’ve done better.

But then, to both my horror and delight, she was completely surprised and eager to open her gift. Without even knowing what was inside (perhaps due to not knowing…) she thanked me profusely for the gift, touched by being remembered, while I wallowed in embarrassment for not trying harder.

As I’ve thought about it more, I’ve begun to contemplate the real purpose of gifts. Often, we give out of appreciation or care for someone else. It’s a way to thank them, or even repay them, for the role they play in our lives. Gift-giving models the gift of salvation we have from Jesus, but on a significantly smaller scale.

Speaking of Jesus, how can we possibly repay Him? We have gifts to bring to Jesus, such as love, thankfulness, and treating others the way He did. However, our gifts can never amount to the extraordinary gifts Jesus continues to give us each day.

Does that mean we should stop giving Jesus our gifts? Absolutely not. When we give Jesus our gifts, especially through helping others, we are showing Jesus that we love Him and that we aren’t putting His gifts to waste.

Should we be ashamed of how our gifts are so small in comparison to all Jesus has done for us? No, not at all. We could never, no matter how hard we try, give as much as Jesus has. We weren’t created to fulfill one of God’s needs. We are here so that God can love us and so that we have the freedom to love God back.

So the next time you are tempted to think little of a thoughtful, yet unassuming gift for either God or a loved one, remember that the value of the gift all comes down to one thing: your heart. When you give from the heart, it means the world to people. Don’t stop giving. Rather, allow yourself to relish in the fact that when we give, we are able to imitate Jesus, the best gift giver of all.

And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!
2 Corinthians 9:14-15

Intentional Community

How do you feel after spending time with those in your community?

Have you ever gotten home from a social event (or turned your computer off after an online one) and felt instantly drained? Or perhaps you were left feeling elated, wanting to share the love you experienced with someone else?

Community is a tricky thing. We were all created for community, yet because of our broken world, we don’t often get “community” right. Sometimes, when we are told that we should be part of a community, we choose to stay around people who make us feel bad about ourselves or drained our energy. However, that’s not the kind of community God intended for us.

The scripture often used to support the idea of God creating us for community is from Genesis, when God created Eve to take care of the Earth with Adam. When Adam first meets Eve, he is so excited that he verbal rejoices.

This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh.
Genesis 2:23

Adam declares that Eve is just like him. In fact, their humanity is what connects them. Even after the fall, we are still connected to one another. However, we have to be more intentional about honoring that truth.

God created community so that we can worship Him together and reflect His love to one another. Ideally, any group of people would be able to feel refreshed and rejuvenated after spending time together. However, sadly that is not the case, which means not only do we need to be intentional about loving each other, we also have to be intentional about what communities we join.

Have you ever spent so much time with someone that you begin to become more like them? I realized the other day that the voice in my head often sounds like whoever I am spending the most time with! A little scary to think about sometimes…

Even the way we see ourselves reflects who we are around. When we are with encouraging people, we will feel more confident. If we are with negative people, we may experience more stress and irritation with the world.

When you are trying to figure out whether or not you should stay in a community, let God’s Spirit speak to you through your feelings. After spending time with them, are you feeling more alive, more affirmed in how God sees you? Or are you feeling discouraged and drained, used even?

God wants us to be loving to everyone, including the people who make us feel frustrated. However, we can love difficult people from afar. Sometimes God does call us to spend a lot of time with difficult people, and if that’s the case, it’s important to also surround yourself with healthy people. But God would never want you to force yourself to stay in a relationship that hurts you or others.

Today, if you are part of a community that reflects the characteristics of God, thank God and reach out to these people to show your appreciation. If you are not part of a community, ask God to show you who you should connect with in order to fill that void in your life.

You belong, regardless of what others have made you believe in the past. You deserve to be surrounded by people who see you the way God sees you: chosen, loved, and made in His image.

So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them.
Genesis 1:27

You Can’t Understand…and That’s Okay

Have you ever told a friend going through a hard time that you understand what they’re going through? Perhaps, though your words were meant well, they were received poorly. Here is some advice and encouragement for your relationships!

Have you ever had someone close to you experience a hardship, potential life or death, and you wanted to do everything in your power to be there for them? You wanted to hold them close, tell them that everything’s going to be okay, and that you understand. You formulate the right text to send or the words to speak, words laced with the love you have for this person. To you, this just feels right.

However, to your despair, they give a short response or even say, “But you don’t understand.”

And those words hurt. They hurt a lot. They hurt because you just poured your heart out to a loved one and you feel like you can understand because you’ve either had a similar experience or you feel other people’s pain deeply.

I know what it’s like to truly believe I understand what someone’s going through, and then have my words received poorly. When that happens, it makes me want to run in the opposite direction and never open my mouth again. Or I want to defend myself, citing evidence as to why I understand exactly what’s going on.

But you know what I’ve learned after trial and error? We actually don’t understand. And maybe that’s okay.

I believe that even if you were placed in the exact same situation at the exact same time in the exact same setting, you would still experience the hardship differently.

I was teaching a group of Sunday schoolers (ages 3-6) last week, and I asked them why they thought God made a diversity of humans and animals.

One little boy answered, “Because it’s more beautiful that way.”

Clearly, small minds do not mean small ideas.

This child was definitely onto something with his response. It is beautiful that we can weave our stories into the lives of others and watch an intricate legacy form. Life is simply more interesting because of our differences.

But the fact that we all see things differently can be scary because we don’t always know how others will react. However, by being sensitive to other people’s experiences and perspectives, we can grow into more empathetic and wise individuals.

While we generally want to understand out of our care and concern for others, we also may have a selfish reason for saying “I understand”. When we bring ourselves into the conversation, we are taking the focus off the person in need and pointing the spotlight onto us.

Have you ever listened to your friend’s dilemma and instantly responded with a story of your own that relates? I am certainly guilty of this. Often, we are more comfortable talking about ourselves than others, maybe for fear of saying the wrong thing or wanting to prove that we don’t have life easy either.

But you have nothing to prove. If you are in a mutual friendship or relationship with someone, they will know that your life isn’t easy. Your time to share will come, but it doesn’t need to be at the same time as theirs.

You also don’t have to prove that you care about your loved one. I guarantee that they will feel more loved by your constant presence, willingness to listen, and thoughtful questions rather than you trying to relate your life to theirs.

It is easier to say “I understand”, but assuming you already understand prevents you from learning more about your loved one or the situation they are in. The more you allow yourself to admit “Hey, maybe I don’t fully understand, but I want to understand”, the more you will actually begin to look at the world from multiple perspectives.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t try to understand others. You certainly should! However, the best way to understand is going into situations with an open mind to whatever God is trying to teach you from this experience. He places us in each others’ lives intentionally, and He will not waste your efforts, especially when they come from a loving heart.

How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!
Psalm 133:1

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10

When Saying “No” is Kinder Than Saying “Yes”

What if saying “no” actually improves your relationships?

Have you ever been in a situation where you are with a loved one and they ask you for a favor or want to do an activity with you? Even though you don’t really want to or lack the time and energy for it, you still say yes?

You rationalize this yes with “If I say no, then I’ll be hurting their feelings” or “I’m not a good friend/family member if I say no”. You may have even been taught that “no” isn’t allowed.

But the truth is, being able to say “no” is the key to having healthy relationships.

Slip into their shoes for a minute: Wouldn’t you rather have them be honest with you than go along pretending that they are interested, just for you to find out later that they only came out of obligation?

Plus, the more times you say yes to things you don’t want to do, the harder it will be to say no in the future. Maybe this one little favor doesn’t seem like a big deal, but then it builds up to a weekly thing or ends up taking you away from causes you feel more passionately about.

Yes, your initial “no” may cause your loved one to be disappointed at first. However, if they are truly someone who cares about your wellbeing, then they won’t let your answers stop them from wanting to be in a relationship with you.

When you really care about someone, you’ll want to do whatever you can to be on good terms with them and make sure they feel loved by you. The best way to have a healthy relationship is to be upfront with them from the beginning. Then they know you are trustworthy and mean it when you say you love them.

A disclaimer is that the Holy Spirit’s voice always overrides our feelings. If you do feel called to help someone or spend extra time with a friend, it could be the Holy Spirit intentionally placing you in their life for reasons you do not yet know. But make sure that when you do say “yes”, you are doing it for the right reasons.

Unhealthy Yeses

You feel obligated
You want praise or validation in order to feel needed
You feel like you have to return a favor someone else gave you
You are burnt out, yet you feel like you need to add more to your plate
You know deep down that you shouldn’t say yes
You are dreading helping this person

Healthy Yeses

You genuinely want to help and may even feel more energetic after being there for this person
You can feel the Holy Spirit guiding you into this action
It would not stress or overwhelm you
You have peace about saying yes

Saying “no” can be uncomfortable at first. However, the more you do it, the easiest it will get. Your yeses will have more significance once they are truly what you want and bring you peace. The way you uniquely love others will blossom beautifully when built on honesty.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
Ephesians 4:25

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.
Proverbs 11:3

Words of Wisdom

Have you been hurt by someone’s words in an argument?

We all have that one phrase that gets under our skin. It’s usually a criticism, and something people don’t realize harms us. Often it’s meant to shine a light on a weakness of ours (or maybe a perceived weakness that we’re working on), but it wounds instead.

For me, it’s being called “selfish”. I’ll never forget the time in middle school when I was first outright called selfish. My mom and I were in an argument and she used that term against me. That stung deep because my whole life, growing up as an only child, everyone assumed I was self-centered. And I’ll admit, I’ve had moments of being selfish. However, it was something I was working on and worked so hard to not be. I felt like a burden and did everything I could to not make things about myself, even sacrificing my sanity sometimes. But there it was, that evil word. This particular irritation, this deep wound that comes when it’s implied that I’m not thinking of others, must stem from this feeling of needing to earn my worth, of not sacrificing enough. Often, these “trigger phrases” come from past pain and deep seeded lies from the enemy. Nonetheless, they cause us to spiral into self-doubt and cause us to forget who we are in Jesus.

I don’t blame my mom, or others who have used this adjective. My mom even denies having that argument because she can’t imagine saying that and she affirms me on a regular basis. However, whenever the word “selfish” comes up, it still stings.

Today, when I shared how I felt about a sensitive subject with a friend, she shot back, “You’re not the only one going through hard things.” That hurt. That hurt a lot. To me, that was an implication that I’m a selfish person. While she didn’t mean to wound me, it went far deeper than she realized.

But this post isn’t a debate of whether or not I’m a selfish person. It’s about what I’ve learned from being hurt by other people’s misguided remarks. I know I’ve hurt others with my words before, especially words coming from an angry place.

Words hold a lot of power. A lot more power than we realize. We won’t always realize how much they can change others’ lives, whether for good or bad. That’s why we have to be careful with our words, using them sparingly sometimes, or inserting them into heated conversations to bring peace other times.

The issue with words is that they are so easy to say or type or write. In a few seconds, there can be a whole angry paragraph on text sent out. Or in the blink of an eye, we’ve opened our mouths and spit out the very same hurt someone else has thrown at us. When we don’t think, we can’t exercise wisdom.

Now, I’ll be honest, it’s pretty much impossible to never hurt anyone’s feelings, especially with your words. But it’s important to always keep in the back of your mind that your words may have more impact than you realize. So make that impact positive. Make your words be what lifts people up.

For me, the phrase “You’re never alone” has stuck with me from a prayer a friend prayed over me during a retreat during one of my darkest times. Still when I hear it, I feel an instant sense of warmth and love. I feel God’s presence beside me. It has the opposite effect of “You’re not thinking of others”.

We all have weaknesses. I have more than I can count, and sometimes selfishness is one of them. Sometimes speaking before I think is one of them. When we see a brother or sister in Christ struggling with a sin that’s hurting others, we should find a way to help them work through it. But we shouldn’t make them think that they are any less of a person by struggling with something because we are no more perfect than they are.

It is by God’s grace that we are here, and when we extend that grace to others, we will begin to see the world in a whole new light. The light of God’s unfailing love. ❤

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.
Ephesians 2:8

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
James 1:19