Tag: forgiveness

Sunflowers and Grace

Our God is a God of grace, and He wants to hear from you.

Who doesn’t love sunflowers? Their bright yellow and deep orange petals instantly bring a smile to my face.

Last week, a friend and I visited a sunflower field — which has been on my bucket-list for a LONG time — and included in our ticket was a free sunflower.

An older woman with a stern smile handed us a pair of shears and reminded us it was just one flower per person.

After having an amazing time weaving — or as some of the pictures might suggest, jumping — through the fields, we hunkered down and honed in on each flower, making sure we picked the best ones.

And then all of a sudden my friend goes, “Um…I don’t have the shears. Do you?”

A new hunt began, this time a bit more stressful. After scanning every row and retracing every footstep, we determined that the shears were missing. We practiced what to say, when to offer to pay for a new pair, wishing we had somehow brought an extra pair of shears with us.

The woman at the stand was waiting when we were finally ready. I expected a lecture, or at the very least an expectation that we’d go back and search some more or pay for what we had lost.

But instead, as my friend explained what happened, the woman’s face softened and she replied, “Oh, don’t worry. They always find lost shears during their night runs.” And she even trusted us with a new pair so that we could claim our precious sunflowers, which now had even more value to us. (In case you were wondering, we didn’t lose the extra pair of shears 🙂 )

This interaction reminded me of what it can be like to approach God after we’ve done something wrong.

It’s so tempting to avoid talking to Him because we’re afraid of His anger or expectations. But God wants to hear from us, and we are often most vulnerable when we admit our mistakes.

In fact, we miss out on many blessings when we don’t come to Him. Just as my friend and I wouldn’t have been able to bring home our beautiful flowers without that woman’s grace, we also miss out on beautiful opportunities when we don’t ask for God’s grace. And God’s grace is limitless.

I also know we never would’ve gone back to that farm if we hadn’t admitted that we lost the shears. The memory of an otherwise fantastic day would’ve been tainted with regret and shame. Our conscience — or rather, the Holy Spirit — is there to help us create a life that’s beautiful to remember, even the hard parts or the times when we mess up.

Going to God with everything on our hearts allows us to have a deeper relationship with Him. We are most able to receive His gifts of mercy, forgiveness, and understanding when we are off our soapboxes and on our knees in prayer, truly needing what only God has to offer.

Growing in our relationship with God is the biggest blessing of all. I hope today, no matter what’s on your heart, you’ll go to God with it all. His grace will meet all your needs.

But [God] said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NIV)

Living in a Graceless World

Do you feel exhausted living in a world that assumes?

Connected even when apart, whether through mobile devices, social media, or even tracking apps, why are we (GenZers) considered the loneliest generation?

Whether or not you are part of this generation, our world continues to feel isolated even as COVID restrictions relax and people start getting out in the world again.

Perhaps it’s because “connection” no longer means meaningful conversations, getting to know one another on a deeper level, or the start of a friendship. Rather, connection has grown cold. A mere point of contact.

I am part of a social media community that began as a way for people with similar hobbies to encourage and help each other develop photography skills. However, now it has become a place where anyone who even likes or follows the “wrong” or “cancelled” person will be the next kicked out. While this is done out of hurt feelings, or perhaps even fear of being “exposed” themselves, it has destroyed a space that used to bring joy to many.

While internet relationships are often blamed, we are just as inclined to judge people quickly when face-to-face, including in communities of Christ-followers.

While participating in ministry, I have sadly witnessed many otherwise loving and God-honoring leaders turn on each other over issues that could’ve been resolved in a polite and respectful manner. One preference leads to a series of assumptions that are often untrue or speak nothing of a person’s character and capabilities.

Our society prides itself on how much better we are than previous eras in history. We are so much more informed and aware now.

But are we really better? Or are the same traps our ancestors fell into the ones we are encountering today?

The stereotypes we create for people aren’t the same as in the past (which is a step in the right direction), yet we still make assumptions about people, particularly because we often don’t take the time to fully get to know the people in our communities.

It is wonderful that we now have the opportunity to make friends from around the world, yet this gift needs to be handled with wisdom. How can we rationalize “exposing” someone on the Internet if we don’t even know their real name or anything about their history? How can we convince ourselves that we are loving when we remove someone from our lives over a difference of opinion?

The truth is, opinions (yes, even the ones that feel like so much more than that) will change. People, when given the opportunity and environment, will grow.

Put yourself in your childhood shoes. If your teacher yelled and screamed at you, then forced you out of the classroom if you didn’t get the answer they were hoping for, would you actually learn anything except that you didn’t want to be near the teacher? Probably not.

But if your teacher listened to your ideas, even if they were misguided, and respected you as a person while explaining another approach, you would likely remember the lesson and desire to come back the next day.

Jesus is the best teacher of all. He listens to us, even though all of us, with our minds combined, could never compare to His wisdom and knowledge. Yet He loves us, and as He helps us become the best people we can be, allows us to make mistakes and ask for forgiveness.

Grace is Jesus’ never-ending gift for us. If we can sprinkle a little of that grace within our lives, imagine the healing it would bring. ❤

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

In the same way, the gospel is bearing fruit and growing throughout the whole world—just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and truly understood God’s grace.

Colossians 1:6

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Colossians 4:6

The Freedom of Being Wrong

What if being wrong can bring us closer to God?

People hate being wrong.

I’m sure that’s pretty obvious, but the issue is that our society doesn’t seem to see this as a problem. Yet it is because our pride separates us from loving each other and God.

While we’d like to believe that no one can be wrong, the world wouldn’t work if that were true. There is only one who is always right, and that would be Jesus.

It’s to our benefit that Jesus is always right, especially because we are often wrong. Thanks to Jesus knowing best, we can live in peace and comfort because we are forgiven and taken care of. We can be reminded that we are loved and valued, even when others don’t treat us that way, because only Jesus’ opinion of us matters.

But yet our sinful desires often tell us that it would be better if we were right. Yet we don’t know the future. We don’t know the impact our decisions will make. We don’t know whether or not something will actually help us. We would be helpless without God’s help.

When we pretend like we are right all the time, we are harming three important relationships:

  1. Our relationship with God
  2. Our relationship with others
  3. Our relationship with ourselves

We act like we are above God (hint: we aren’t) when we pretend that we know more than He does. Like we, mere specks, could possibly have a better plan than the Creator of the Universe.

When we think we are always right, we never take ownership for our mistakes. That causes others to feel hurt and confused by our actions. We will quickly lose important relationships that way, and surely people won’t feel the love of God from us.

And when we believe we are always right, we give ourselves a false sense of security, when the truth is, we know very little. So when we finally recognize that we’ve made a mistake, we feel like failures, utterly useless and worthless.

But when we recognize that we are wrong sometimes, then when we do make a mistake, we can be proactive in repenting and be reminded that we don’t have to feel ashamed because we are covered in God’s grace.

So what’s the best way to handle this problem? Not picking out other people’s faults, but focusing on how to change your own outlook. Not living in shame, but praising God for the ways He is working within your life to make you the best person you can possibly be.

Remember, accepting being wrong is actually a gift. It frees you from having the expectation of always needing to be right.

You are loved and cherished no matter what ❤

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

1 John 2:15-17

Not Too Late

Do you feel like you’ve run out of time to pursue your purpose?

We always start out with a plan, right? If events will simply follow the outline, then everything else will fall into place. But as things begin to fall apart, we are left with worthless blueprints and a shattered spirit.

When things don’t go our way, we may think it’s too late. Too late for anything good to happen. Too late to achieve our dreams. Too late even for God to work through us.

We feel lost. Stuck. Abandoned. Hopeless.

But trust me when I say, it’s not too late. Not for you, not for me, not for anybody. For every moment we are breathing, we have a second chance.

And you might be thinking, “Sure, it’s easy for her to say.”

But no, it’s not any easier for me to believe this truth than it is for any of my readers. I’ve been experiencing one of my most directionless times, unsure what to move forward with and what to leave behind.

Even when God has made the best out of my unplanned situations, I tend to doubt that He will follow through in the end. It’s like I forget all He’s done when I’m faced with a new unknown.

But here’s the thing: God uses each of our experiences to help shape us and prepare us for the future. We are more prepared than we think.

And even if you don’t feel like God is listening, I promise you He is. It’s just hard to hear a still, small voice when the world’s worries are pounding in our ears.

Pay attention to the small reminders of His grace. Soak in and accept the unexplainable peace that follows. Surround yourself with wise counsel and supportive friends. Listen to what you know to be true about God’s character.

No matter where you’re at, God has a plan for you. You haven’t done anything to mess it up, no matter what others say. You have not missed out on what’s meant for you. Your story is just beginning. ❤

What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory— even us, whom he also called, not only from the Jews but also from the Gentiles?

Romans 9:22-24

Song recommendation: Not Too Late, by Xander Sallows: https://youtu.be/nomUnxG7MAA

What Should Our First Priority Be in Ministry?

Though there should be many goals in ministry, one aspect must come first.

Though I’ve only recently become an “official” person in ministry (with a job title), I have volunteered for years and participated in and witnessed others’ ministry. And through that, as different pastors or directors have come and go, each with different missions and ideas, one key aspect has remained crucial. If it was there, it caused the church to flourish; if it was lacking, it was painfully missed.

There are many goals and values people in ministry need to have in mind, but I believe there is one thing that must come before everything else.

Our first priority in ministry is to make others feel cared about.

No fancy ways around this, no complicated language to confuse the main goal. Just simply, make others feel cared about.

Now, you might be thinking, “Caring about others is all fine and good, but what about Church doctrine and the scriptures and equipping others?”

Here is where I must clarify: We aren’t supposed to start and end with making people feel cared about, but it must be our starting place if we want any of the other elements of being in a church community to exist.

I’ve heard many stories of people who have left the Church because they didn’t feel noticed or respected or valued. I had my own experiences in youth group, where I dreaded going for fear of feeling isolated or out of place among people who were supposed to be like family.

You can be a nice person while still missing the mark on this quest for being loving. It takes intentional effort, a pure heart, and thoughtfulness to make people truly realize they belong.

Ultimately, it means embodying (in our own humanly way) the love of Christ.

Regarding the concept that our first priority of the Church should be preaching the gospel, I believe we are preaching the gospel when we demonstrate the key characteristics of the one we serve–Jesus, and giving Him all the glory. Furthermore, Christianity is based on obeying God, but the only reason we want to obey God is because of His love for us. What motive would we have for submission to His will if we didn’t have His love?

The only way to get the Church to go out into all the world and preach the good news is to infuse its members with the kind of love and compassion Jesus brought us.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold people accountable or sugarcoat the truth of God’s word. Rather, the truth is better received when coming from a loving, caring heart. When we take the time to understand God’s word for ourselves, we’ll be better at bringing its attributes into our lives.

Today, whether you serve in a church or not, you have the opportunity to show God’s love to the people in your community. This doesn’t have to be as complicated as it seems. Allow yourself to soak in Jesus’ unfailing love for you and extend that patience, forgiveness, and understanding to others. Simple acts of kindness, remembrance, and grace make all the difference.

This won’t be easy or natural at first, but over time, it will become a part of who you are. And in doing so, you become more like Jesus, which is the most wonderful thing you can ever do. ❤

Show them what you’re made of, the love I’ve been talking up in the churches. Let them see it for themselves!

2 Corinthians 8:24 (MSG)

The Freedom to Unfollow

Is the presence of unfriendly faces hindering your chance to experience joy through internet connection?

You’re sitting there, phone in hand, Instagram open. Your finger hovers over the “unfollow” button. One simple click and you’ll stop receiving life updates, constant reminders of your bitterness, and the opportunity to relive an ugly part of your past. But an invisible force is holding you back.

This isn’t a big enough deal to actually click the button. I can live with seeing their posts every so often.

Or so you think.

But are your feelings of resentment and frustration leaving you empty and aching inside smaller than a simple number on a screen?

An action that seems so minimal may actually change your life…for the better.

Yet we’ve made the choice to “unfollow” a much bigger deal than it has to be.

There are likely a few reasons why you are hesitant to unfollow.

  1. You may be genuinely worried about the other person’s feelings. And I’ll admit, it doesn’t feel good to know that someone has chosen to remove themselves from your social media page. But just think about it, if you aren’t constantly reminded of your bitter feelings towards them, comparing yourself to their so-called perfect life, then you’ll be kinder to them in-person, when it really counts. Your impression of them may even improve.
  2. You don’t want to miss out. Here’s where FOMO often trickles its way in. We get so preoccupied with others’ lives that we forget we have our own lives to live. Plus, social media very rarely reveals anything that can’t be shared more meaningfully in-person.
  3. You don’t want to lose followers. Well…is sacrificing your own wellbeing worth a few extra likes? I don’t think so.

Unfollowing someone who has been hurtful or has caused you to feel envious can even bring you joy. You are suddenly free from the cycle of resentment and comparison.

About a year ago, I made the choice to unfollow several people who had hurt my feelings in the past. This action was long overdue, yet I feared I’d lose their “support” or miss out on a huge event in their lives.

But my hesitation was fueled by curiosity and fear of losing something I never even had. Once I finally unfollowed them, I instantly felt less resentful towards them and felt free to move forward with my life. They had taken up way too much headspace.

Today, I encourage you to unfollow the people who make you feel less-than or insignificant. Unfollow those who make you uncomfortable or anxious. Remake your page into something that brings you joy and motivates others. Remember, you don’t owe anyone your life’s story or your support. Your love and appreciation need to come from the heart.

And trust me, you are doing yourself and the other person a favor. You are given the power of forgiveness.

Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Acts 2:38

What are We Really Trying to Get from Social Media?

After scrolling through your feed, have you been left empty?

Now, based on the topic of this post, you’re likely assuming I’m about to bash social media. But honestly, I’m not one to criticize it too much considering I have multiple social media platforms and I’ve met several good friends thanks to Instagram.

However, I’ve also seen several waves of social media by being a GenZer (we’ll pretend that’s a word). I remember when my peers first got phones in middle school and there were talks in youth group about avoiding certain ads and being wary of internet stalkers. The reputations of apps have shifted over time, going from only the “popular kids” having social media to alternative forms of messaging being the main source of communication during quarantine.

But now, as we are (hopefully) emerging out of COVID times, what are people’s opinions of social media? Among my peers, many are just plain sick of it. It’s become too comfortable of a home for internet trolls, people who just want to start up a fight, and a place that harbors loneliness and comparison.

Now, arguably, social media has been a bridge for many to make friends, which I believe to be the biggest benefit of it. But I don’t think that’s the real reason why social media exists.

Social media is basically a platform where people get to handpick their friends, watch their lives from a distance, and share life’s highlights with the world. Never before have we been given the opportunity to gauge exactly how many people care about our lives. That’s essentially what likes and views mean, right? The higher the number, the more people we have who care about us.

So in essence, social media is less about what we’re actually posting and more about feeling loved. We get a cheap thrill from watching our numbers skyrocket, only to have our hearts shattered by a poorly worded comment or an unfollow.

And really, the whole thing feels ridiculous, right? Stewing over a conversation with a stranger or devastated by a lack of response. Making assumptions about others from a single emoji or caption. The more our minds spiral, the more stupid we feel. This causes us to invalidate our feelings, which only creates further harm.

So what’s the solution? Delete social media? Go AWOL?

I don’t think so.

Honestly, if social media were erased from the planet, our problems wouldn’t go away. Humans have constantly searched for love in all the wrong places, and social media isn’t the only wrong place.

Instead, we need to figure out where true love really comes from. And, despite what the holiday Hallmark movies might tell you, it doesn’t come from under the mistletoe 😉

We can love each other, whether as family members, friends, or romantically. But none of us can love perfectly, no matter how amazing you are (which you are amazing, no doubt).

Only God can.

God never gives up on us, never forces us to impress Him or earn His love, and is the only One with the power to truly forgive us. He knows us inside and out, and yet He is still longing to be in relationship with us.

So this holiday season, perhaps others’ posts have made you feel isolated or discouraged if you haven’t had the best winter season so far. Maybe you’ve seen one too many engagement posts or families matching in Christmas pajamas. Yet you feel more alone than ever.

Don’t let comparison steal your joy.

When you find your love and your joy in Jesus, you will be able to feel happy for others while having hope about your own future.

You are loved, no matter what. Never forget that. ❤

In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.

Exodus 15:13

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 5:11

Life’s Cheap Replacements

What do we really need?

I’ve learned a lot from college so far, but one thing I didn’t anticipate learning was the importance of seat cushions.

That’s right, seat cushions. Considering the price we pay for living expenses on campus, you’d think they could splurge for more than a hard, plastic chair that squeaks. But nope, guess not. And after hours of studying, calling, drawing, and reading in that chair, my back got pretty upset with me.

When I got home, I returned to my much more comfortable chair. However, it also doesn’t have adequate back support. I had purchased a seat cushion for my chair at school, but it got packed away with the other boxes of things saved for next year. So what did I do?

Over the course of a week, I tried a variety of methods. First, I added a slim, silky blanket. Not sure what I thought that would do. Then I added a sherpa, an extra-thick and cushy blanket. That added a bit of support. Then I placed a pillow vertically against the back of the chair. Finally, I put another pillow on top of it, horizontally this time, for shoulder support.

By the time I got done, I barely had any room to sit! And the thing is, this design leaves very little room for finding the perfect seat position, meaning my back still gets sore, just not as quickly.

Now, you’re probably wondering two things: When am I going to stop talking about seat cushions and why didn’t I just search for my real seat cushion?

To answer your first question, trust me, this does have a point. To the second, I suppose it was laziness or the thought that maybe I could figure this out on my own. The more things I added, the more assurance I had that I’d be able to create a masterpiece of a chair.

The truth is, we do this a lot in our spiritual lives too. We feel an ache for God, but we fill that empty space in our hearts with something other than Him. Perhaps it’s material wealth, a relationship, or an adventurous lifestyle. Or maybe it’s a career, a fantasy, or even helping those in need.

None of those things are inherently evil, but when they are used to replace God, they leave us feeling betrayed. We get frustrated with ourselves because we’ve tried everything we can, only to end up tired and confused.

When we look at these cheap replacements for Jesus, we wonder why we’d ever go for what’s empty over what’s priceless. But perhaps our reasons are as simple as mine when it came to the chair. We’re tired already. We don’t want to do the work that it takes to build an intimate relationship with Jesus. Perhaps we feel like we’ve tried the whole “faith thing” and it didn’t feel the way we wanted it to.

But here’s the thing: Building any sort of lasting relationship takes time and effort. If it does with people, then certainly it will with God. Our relationship with God is arguably the most complex, intricate, and confusing relationship we’ll ever have. But isn’t the wholeness, the love, and the forgiveness He offers worth whatever sacrifices it takes?

Today, ask yourself what areas in your life are being used to replace God. Maybe it’s something small, easy to remove. Or perhaps it’s your lifestyle. You don’t have to let go of your entire way of being, but you may need to make changes in order to see where your priorities really are.

More than anything, Jesus wants this relationship with you. He’s ready to meet you wherever you’re at. So stop waiting around for things to get better on their own and start chasing Jesus like He’s chasing you.

Meanwhile, I’ll be hunting for my seat cushion. 😉

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

Revelation 3:20

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

James 4:8-10

Does God Love Me When I Don’t Feel Worthy?

Do you ever worry about God being disappointed when you don’t feel your best? Here’s some advice and encouragement!

Something that stuck with me one time was a remark someone said regarding self-worth. “It really must grieve God’s heart when we don’t see ourselves the way He sees us.”

When I first heard this, I was startled. But of course, isn’t God upset when we aren’t kind to ourselves? However, that only made me feel worse when I experienced self-doubt or self-criticism. On top of feeling worthless, I felt like I was angering God.

While God obviously wants us to see ourselves the way He sees us, I want to assure you that God still loves you when you don’t feel worthy. How am I so confident of this fact? Well, because Jesus says it pretty directly in a familiar parable.

In the parable of the prodigal son, the son had clear reasons for feeling unlovable. After all, he dishonored his father by demanding his inheritance before his father even had the chance to die, and then he wasted it all in a short period of time. He was stuck cleaning after pigs, the “dirtiest” animal by Jewish customs. That was the lowest of the low. He’d rather be a servant at his old home than make pig slop.

Imagine the humiliation of trying to re-enter a space where he was confident and arrogant after failing as miserably as he did. Yet he was willing to risk it in order to get a second chance.

Close your eyes for a moment and picture yourself at your lowest point. Feel the soft sand beneath your feet as you trudge up the hill to your home. There’s a weight on your shoulders, a weight that has only grown heavier as the mistakes pile up. Your clothes are torn and stinky. You’re drenched in mud. But a familiar scent of sweet flowers sends tingles down your back.

Open your eyes and squint–can it be? Your father, a ginormous smile on his face, running faster than any other elderly man has run before. He’s got no weapon in his hands, only open arms, ready to embrace you.

You stop dead in your tracks. Beads of sweat drip off your face and you lift a hand to swat them away. But before you get the chance, your father sweeps you into a giant hug, his familiar scent of sawdust comforting you.

After he steps away, you blunder through your speech, ending with, “I am no longer worthy to be called your child.”

That’s exactly what the prodigal son said, “I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” No longer worthy.

But how does the father respond? He doesn’t even answer that. He might chuckle, like, how could you possibly have thought that? Then he sends out his servants to prepare a feast to welcome you home.

What bigger act of love is there than combining all five love languages together? The father wanted to spend time with his son by racing to see him. He gave him a big hug and kiss. He gave him the gifts of service and presents by preparing this party and pampering him. And he proudly announced to the world that this is his son, who was “dead and has come alive again”. Not wasting time. Not humiliating the family. But dead, lost, missed.

We so easily believe the lie from the enemy that our feelings towards ourselves reflect how God and others see us. When we feel embarrassed, we are sure we can’t be used for good. When we fall into temptation, we believe we can never be forgiven. When we make a mistake, we think we are unlovable.

But God says otherwise. He doesn’t go off of feelings; He goes off facts. And the fact is, He loves us so much that He wants to welcome us home after every mistake, every self-doubt, and every stumble.

Today, if you’ve been feeling ashamed of yourself, remember how God sees you. He loves you so much and He’s ready for you to come home.

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

Luke 15:20

Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

Acts 13:38

The “Unforgivable” Sin

We all have that one mistake that we doubt God can forgive. But through sharing a piece of my story, I hope I can encourage you and remind you that God will forgive anything you’ve done.
Trigger Warning: Suicide

We all have that one sin, that one mistake. The one that “doesn’t qualify” when Jesus says our sins are forgiven. Sometimes we hide it, ashamed. Other times we talk about it a lot, seeking validation from others. Yes, it is bad enough to still feel burdened by.

But when I tell you that your sins are forgiven by Jesus, I mean it with my whole heart. Even that one sin. Even that one mistake. Even if you never got the chance to say “I’m sorry”. Even if you think it’s too late.

Take this from a person who has spent the last two and a half years trying to forgive herself for the biggest mistake she’s ever made in her life.

When people look at me and my life, they might laugh at the idea of me committing an “unforgivable” sin. They might think, “Oh, she’s probably gossiped or lied or put something before God, nothing that serious.”

To be honest, it’s almost harder to be seen that way than as someone who is notorious for doing the “big bad sins”. (But, by the way, all sins come down to the same cost, Jesus’ death on the cross, making no sin “worse” or “better” than another). When you have the reputation as the “good Christian”, people are less inclined to believe you’ve suffered pain or separation from God.

It’s hard to admit and talk about what happened. I worry people won’t see it as a “big enough” deal. I wonder if they will see me differently. I don’t even know what sort of reaction I want from people.

But I’ve come to realize that everything happens in our lives to teach us something, perhaps lessons we are supposed to share with others. More importantly, they should bring us closer to God. And, though it’s taken time, this one certainly did. If my story helps someone else on their healing process, then it’s worth being vulnerable.

It was January. I met him three months before– the guy who changed my life. When we first met, I thought he was nice, perhaps overly friendly, but the longer I knew him, the more my discomfort grew. To say I knew him would be an overstatement. The truth is, I really only had a few interactions with him. I was scared of him, I think, and of what I believed his intentions were. Each interaction sent me into a spiral of hateful thoughts. They stemmed from a place of fear and insecurity. I should’ve said something, but I didn’t. Instead, I dreaded seeing him and allowed my feelings to consume me.

When I say hateful, I truly mean hateful. They were unlike anything I had ever felt before or since. These feelings burned inside my chest. I could barely look at him; I could only glare. I remember walking by myself and thinking, I wish he were dead.

The last time I saw him was around Christmas. We were in a packed gym, and he was playing spike ball with some friends. By this point, I had made it clear I wasn’t interested. The ball rolled over to me, and he came to get it. He started saying thank you, like he expected me to pick it up. Instead, I moved to the side and avoided looking at him. Yet he thanked me again, and we made eye contact. Then he turned away, and I never saw him again.

January 22nd, 2019. I found out in an email that he died by suicide.

I can’t even begin to describe the weight of guilt I felt. For a week, there was a pressing sensation on my shoulders and I had a constant headache. I didn’t cry because I didn’t know what I was grieving. After all, I barely knew him.

I learned more about him after he died than while he was alive. He was so different than the person I made him out to be in my head. In many ways, that made it all the worse.

It just so happened that a retreat was scheduled the following weekend. Throughout the retreat, I felt isolated, closed off from everyone else. No one reached out to me, perhaps because no one knew I was hurting. I took walks on my own and sobbed, crying out to God and asking Him why such a horrible person–me–could still be walking the earth. What good was I?

At the same time, I had lost several friends and felt incredibly alone. I wondered if this was some sort of punishment from God. Maybe this is why I’m alone, I thought, because I’m a terrible person.

On the last night, my youth pastor gathered us in a circle to pray for each other. Many shed tears as they relayed their current situations. Some recently lost grandparents, another’s father was dying of cancer, and several were dealing with anxiety.

My issues, loneliness and guilt, couldn’t compare to their problems. Why would God want to listen or help the girl who wished death upon His precious child? Or so I thought.

When it came to my turn, I could barely squeeze out my words. I finally whispered, “I just feel so lonely.”

To my surprise, several peers came around me and prayed. One prayer, which I’ll never forget, went something like this:

“Dear God, help Hannah see that she’s never alone and that no one is better or worse than her, but that we’re all equal.”

It was a very simple prayer, yet the weight on my shoulders was lifted. I felt lighter, more alive.

To say that solved all my problems or that it even caused me to believe that I was forgiven would be a lie. It has taken years to understand that God has forgiven me and that He can use me and that situation to help others. But it showed me that God cared, and continues to care and love us, even when we’re at our worst. When we feel unforgivable.

I don’t know what sort of “unforgivable sin” is burdening your heart. But I believe that God has already forgiven you and doesn’t want you to be bogged down by the past, but rather look forward with joy to what He has in store for you. It’s also okay if the healing process is taking longer than you thought or what others claim it should be. But you are healing, I can promise you that.

I also want you to know that if you feel unseen or unloved, I’m so sorry. But you are not unseen or unloved. You are treasured, adored, by the most powerful Being in the universe–Jesus. He loves you. He sacrificed everything for you. He wants you to know that you are so special and so needed and so, so dearly loved.

And if no one’s said this to you today, I love you. ❤️

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Colossians 3:13

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.

Ephesians 1:7

A wonderful song about God loving us at our worst, titled appropriately enough, Even at My Worst, by Blanca: https://youtu.be/qiD-UzbH5VA