Category: God's love

When the Burden Feels Heavy

Jesus promises that the burden of being a Christian is light. However, in a world full of so much darkness and pain, showing God’s love can feel anything but easy. So how can we move forward when being a Christian isn’t comfortable?

I’ve often been stumped by this verse, Matthew 11:30, “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” In context, these words are spoken by Jesus, when He is encouraging His disciples. Not only does Jesus promise to give us an “easy” workload and a “light” burden, He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but these verses hit different these days. Our world is going through a lot. We’re going through a lot. A lot of heavy, difficult, and painful things. So when Jesus tells us to come to Him and find rest, it’s an irresistible offer.

Nothing about this verse is confusing when it’s simply words on a page. Hearing about how delightful and refreshing being a Christian is sounds great, right? But then, when we’re on the battlefield for our faith, literally and figuratively, we begin to doubt the validity of these words. Is Jesus really right? If He is, then why is being a Christian so complicated?

Well…we make it complicated. We as in humanity as a whole. You see, my friends, Jesus is not telling us that life will be easy once we become Christian. In fact, these words are spoken in the same chapter as when Jesus’ own cousin, John the Baptist, is in prison. Jesus knows fully that John will be beheaded for his faith, and He also knows that most of the disciples He’s comforting will be persecuted and even killed because of their alliance to Him.

Jesus is no dummy. He knows exactly who He’s talking to, the incredible hardships they will face, and ultimately the end of everyone’s story. He isn’t saying these words to make light of difficulties or to give them false hope. Rather, He is reminding them that their faith gives them reason to always have peace, joy, and hope.

And how, you may ask, can we possibly have peace, joy, and hope during seasons of immense pain and fear? Well, because we can experience the kind of love that casts out all fear, pain, and guilt on a daily basis. Each day, when we spend time with God, we can allow His steady presence to give us rest. Even greater than that, as Christians, we have the Holy Spirit–literally God!–living inside us. To clear up any confusion, this does NOT mean we are God. Rather, it means that God wants to be with us so much, He has chosen to live inside of us so that He will be with us always.

Some of the sweetest words to hear are “I miss you”. God went one step farther than saying “I miss you”. Rather, He realized that He’d miss us so much if He wasn’t with us 24/7, He made a way for us to be together always. He’s with you on the cold, dark nights. He’s with you during scary walks alone. He’s with you when you’re facing your giants, your triggers, and your greatest fears. He’s with you through it all.

Sometimes, though, this burden that gets placed on us as Christians can feel really heavy. We are called to care about everyone, especially those hurting. When we see news headlines of people being persecuted or children being harmed or rights being taken away, we may start to panic. When we are walking alongside someone going through indescribable heartache, we may feel drained as we absorb their pain. How can this burden possibly feel light?

Earlier this year, God placed someone in my life who I knew was directly from God. I didn’t know what this person was going through when we first got connected, yet I knew God wanted me to be especially intentional in my friendship with him. Over time, I started to learn what he was going through, and I did everything I could to be there for him. At first, I felt truly honored to be chosen to be a prayer warrior and friend to him. But after a while, things started to get increasingly difficult. I lost my enthusiasm for doing God’s will in this relationship, mostly because the “next right step” seemed less clear than before. When not hearing answers right away or knowing whether or not my efforts were appreciated, I struggled to keep my hope in God. Yet I knew I had to keep going, because the burden this person was carrying was too heavy for him to carry alone.

You may be in a similar situation right now, where you aren’t sure how God is using you, but you are feeling overloaded by another person’s burden. This work of God felt exciting for a time, but now merely feels heavy. You want to be motivated to do God’s work, yet it gets draining after a while. You may be called out of your comfort zone or faced with opposition, and you aren’t sure what to do next. This burden is anything but light.

As I’ve pondered these verses over and over again, a new revelation has come upon me. We, as Christians, cannot make the burden light on our own. Rather, the key to not feeling burned out by what we’re called to do is following Jesus’ example. Jesus actually says this quite clearly in these verses by reminding us of the importance of rest and seeing how gentle and humble His heart is.

You see, burdens often feel heavy when they require us to go out on a limb for someone. When we get embarrassed or when we must sacrifice something, we start wondering where the exit is. And when we pour everything into a situation or relationship, we don’t take the time to rest and spend time with God, we get tired. Jesus, despite coming here to save the entire world, took time to rest. He took time to be with His Father. He made sure to build that into His schedule.

There isn’t a single verse in the Bible that says Jesus was embarrassed. Yet Jesus is the literal definition of humility. He washed people’s feet. He dined with the “scum of civilization”. He chatted with people labeled as “extreme sinners”. Jesus went above and beyond the call of duty. He demonstrated true love.

And when we follow Jesus’ example, our hearts become more and more like His. We are no longer embarrassed by seemingly odd things God calls us to do. We are no longer afraid to reach out and be there for people who may not expect our help. We can feel free to be exactly who God wants us to be while still having time to rest and take care of ourselves as well.

Today, your heart might feel extremely heavy. Perhaps you just received news of a friend dealing with a tragic loss. Maybe your loved one is struggling with a problem so big, the best thing you can do is pray. Or possibly the person experiencing pain is you. Maybe the burden has been placed directly on your shoulders and you’re searching for God’s peace and comfort.

I want you to read Jesus’ words and feel comforted by them. Realize that when we allow Jesus to carry the burden alongside us, the burden is light. When we see every call to help someone as an opportunity rather than an irritating interruption, the work will feel easy. We aren’t called to stay in our comfort zones. Rather, we’re called to be comforted by Jesus as we walk through the fire together.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone.

Numbers 11:17

The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Exodus 33:14

Hope for When You Don’t Belong

Do you pour out your heart for others, only to end up being their “second choice”? Here is hope for those left behind, wondering where they fit into this mess called “life”.

Sometimes it feels pointless. You are there for others, you prioritize them, and then they make you their second best option, if even that. You let their words–or rather, lack of words–define who you are.

But even if you are never chosen by the people you love, remember this:

The world is not full of truth. People don’t know what they are missing. You aren’t missing out–they are. By continuing to be faithful, you will do something much greater than be “chosen”. You will leave a lasting legacy. A legacy full of love. And guess what?

You are chosen.

Maybe not by the people who fill your mind and break your heart, but by the people God has led to love you. You may not know who they are yet, but they are there. Praying, watching, waiting, hoping. They may not fully understand why God has placed you on their hearts, but you are being looked out for.

Most of all, God chose you. He chose you when He sent His son as a sacrifice. He sent Jesus as your salvation and proof of His love. He chooses you every day, even when our sin breaks His heart.

You are someone’s first choice. You are God’s first choice. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. You will always be cherished and loved by the One who knows every single part of you. And He will never, ever leave you behind. ❤

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

1 Peter 2:9

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.

John 14:16-17

Here is a podcast episode related to today’s post! I hope you enjoy it!

Episode link: https://anchor.fm/hannah-chung4/episodes/Hope-for-When-You-Dont-Belong-e15okoq/a-a1plh4

Don’t Forget the Constant

Do you ever feel an emptiness inside you that you’re longing to fill?

Humans are created with an innate desire to have an intimate relationship with another being. I use the term “being” lightly, because it’s not always a person. Sometimes it’s the obvious of a romantic partner; other times it’s the desire to have a close friend, mentor, or even an emotional support pet. Sometimes the “being” is a hobby or activity or lifestyle.

I’ve spent much of my life searching. Searching for a close friend, searching for romance at times, searching for a spiritual mentor, searching for someone who will fulfill this ache.

Now, you might be thinking, come on, Hannah, God’s always there. Was this “searching” happening before you came to faith?

Honestly, no. It started a few years ago, or at least consciously started at that time. That was right during the beginning of my deeper relationship with God. It was during a season of loneliness that I realized two things:

  1. That I really need God
  2. And that I really wanted someone (a person) to fill this void inside me

Over the past two months, I’ve learned a lot about some people I’ve held (and still hold) in high regard. I counted on them, and to be honest, they let me down. But I also saw a new side to them, and I’m thankful to know the whole picture so that I can better understand them. Yet it’s been really hard realizing that I can’t count on these people that I had hoped would fill the void.

I jumped from person to person in the hopes of finally finding someone who respected me, who enjoyed deep conversations, and who could be there for me emotionally and spiritually. I’d find someone for a season, and then they moved on. But what I longed for was a permanent person.

And today I hit rock bottom. Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but the build up of some hard things finally toppled me over. I had to take a deep breath and deal with my feelings. And that’s when I came to an important realization: I had been trying to fill God’s place with a person. That’s why I never felt satisfied.

Not only that, but I started to think of a few people I’ve taken for granted. A few close friends, good listeners with a steady presence, who have been constants in my life. Yet I discounted them during my search because I wanted something “bigger”. I wanted someone who would take God’s place, someone tangible with quick responses.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how God used my loneliest seasons to bring me closer to Him. He wasn’t bringing me through those times to be cruel, but to give me what my heart desired, His constant presence.

God has always been there. He will always be there. And while we can’t touch Him or feel Him or hear His audible voice, we can see how He’s working. I enjoy comparing God to love, not just because God literally is love, but because it is the best analogy for Him.

We all believe love exists (at least in some capacity). But we can’t see love, can we? We can’t feel the essence of love. We can’t hear love’s voice. Yet we know it’s there. We can see the way love brings people together and heals old wounds. We can see love transform lives.

God’s the same. We can feel God through others or nature or really through anything God chooses. We can see Him working even if we can’t physically see Him. We know that He is there simply by a feeling, by the signs around us.

Don’t discount the constants in your life, especially God. Don’t forget about the people who may not be the most “exciting” or take that void away, but who have been placed in your life to bring you closer to God.

Anything you put before God isn’t going to last. It could be something really great, but it’s not greater than God. And when you’re mad at God for taking something away, stop and ask if it was taking you away from God.

God is with you through it all. You are never truly alone. ❤

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

The God of Feelings

Do you ever worry about your feelings being too big for God? Here’s some advice and encouragement!

I’ve often spoken of how God isn’t a “God of feelings”. He’s so much bigger than that, loyal, faithful, honest, and never-changing. His love is so different from the fleeting love we experience in many relationships.

While all of that is true and important to recognize, I’ve realized I may have done an incredible disservice to you. By speaking so joyfully about God in this way, I may have misled you into believing that He doesn’t have feelings, that feelings don’t have a place in our world. But believe me, feelings do have an important place, and God does have feelings too.

I’ve seen the consequences of not “believing in feelings” firsthand within my own family. I used to think it was just my family, but during the recent spread of awareness about the issues Asian Americans have faced, I’m beginning to realize it’s cultural. It’s a known fact that there’s a stigma around mental health in the Asian American community, often because our mental health has not been seen as important in the past. For my dad’s side of the family, expressing any kind of feeling (other than indifference) is seen as a weakness.

Both my dad and my grandma, whenever they mention a loss or a difficulty, laugh it off to prove they are okay. I’ve never seen either of them cry. They literally live out the line from Let it Go, “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.” Whenever I share a hardship with them, they merely shrug and act like I’m an idiot for being the least bit concerned.

But I know those feelings are deep within them. When our dog passed away last year, my dad clung onto compulsive actions in an attempt to unknowingly cope. The stress lines and the frown on his face indicate his anxiety. Yet if asked, it will be received with harsh reprimands for ever assuming anything’s not fine. It deeply saddens me to see them suffering like this. The negative feelings won’t dissipate simply because we choose to ignore them. Rather, they continue to bubble up until we are forced to confront them, often by this point in an unhealthy way.

I think Christians often fall into the trap of making everyone think they have to be fine in order to be a Christian. “You must not trust God if you are sad or disappointed,” they often say. “Everything happens for a reason, and if you don’t believe that fully at every given moment, then you must not be saved!”

But that’s not true. If our faith was dependent on never having a single doubt or wavering moment, then our faith wouldn’t be much of anything. Our faith is built on God’s grace and forgiveness. When we get out on the water with Him and falter, He will stretch out His hand and rescue us. And those moments of truly needing His saving is what strengthens our faith the most.

When we’re close to God, we know His character. He isn’t going to turn away from us when we have tear stains on our cheeks. He isn’t going to laugh at us when we come to Him in bits and pieces after our heart’s been broken. He isn’t going to mock us when we are asking for forgiveness.

Rather, He is going to be there waiting for us, excited when we turn to Him through everything we’re feeling.

It’s when we don’t know God’s character that we fear coming to Him as anything less than perfect. Well, let me tell you, God knows darn well that we aren’t perfect! He knows our every thought and feeling. He hears every whispered cry and every quiet call for help.

But guess what? God isn’t afraid of what you’re feeling.

God is so much more powerful than what we’re feeling. He has given us this life, and these feelings, in order to bring us closer to Him and to each other. So don’t deny the fact that you have feelings. Rather, see how these feelings may be prompting you to show other’s God’s love.

One of the greatest marks of a follower of Christ is compassion. I once read in a Bible study that compassion is “love in action”. It requires stepping into another person’s shoes and feeling what they are feeling. We can’t show compassion if we deny ourselves our right to feel.

We can’t control how we feel, but we can control what we do with those feelings. If you are worried about your feelings taking over your life, then remember that you can allow God to use those feelings for good.

No matter how you’re feeling today, your feelings are valid. They matter. But they certainly won’t ever define who you are in Christ.

Lord, you have examined me

    and know all about me.

2 You know when I sit down and when I get up.

    You know my thoughts before I think them.

3 You know where I go and where I lie down.

    You know everything I do.

4 Lord, even before I say a word,

    you already know it.

Psalm 139:1-4

Song Recommendation: Broken Prayers, by Riley Clemmons: https://youtu.be/cBDt_-tIfLI

Hope for the “Doormats”

Are you tired of feeling used and your worth depending on others? Here’s some encouragement!

There’s a reason why certain types of people are called doormats. You know what I’m talking about. People who are extremely kind, flexible, and wish for others to notice them, but often make little effort to bring attention to themselves. Hopeful that they will finally get noticed for all the work they do on others’ behalves. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Until they finally grow tired of feeling used.

If you think about it, doormats, or rugs, are a really good analogy when describing these characteristics. When you have a rug, you likely forget to clean it. You step on it, it absorbs the dirt, grime, and pet hair of your family, and then it eventually gets thrown out. I’ve never heard of someone looking forward to inheriting their family member’s rug. Likely rugs aren’t even in the will.

You might be feeling a little exposed at the moment. Perhaps you’re a “doormat”; you allow people to walk all over you. Or maybe there’s someone in your life who you’ve taken for granted. I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum and neither is pleasant, or comfortable, to confront.

You see, when we are doormats, we are trying to find our worth in something that isn’t stable. We are seeking affection, affirmation, and appreciation from people who don’t see our value. We cling to the little words or gifts that might make all we’re sacrificing (often our mental health) worth it. But then, when we’re eventually tossed out or fed up, we’re left feeling empty.

Then, on the other side of things, when we don’t notice the people around us, we can often unintentionally make them feel unseen. Or maybe we are aware of how they look up to us and want to please us, and we (guiltily) take advantage of it. It makes us feel better about ourselves, like we finally have an important place in this world. But that feeling is only temporary.

Though it might seem easier to be the “user” in this situation, the truth is, both parties are hurting. They are both hoping to find a relationship where they feel worthy.

And, my friends, I have the answer to this longing: Jesus. (By now, you probably guessed it 😉 )

Jesus loves us no matter what. Nothing we do or don’t do can change that. He will pick up all our broken pieces and make us whole again. He will guide us through the storms of life and give us unexplainable peace when the hard times hit. He leads us to the right decisions and prompts us to make a difference in others’ lives.

Most importantly, He cares about us and sees us as worthy.

And when we feel worthy, we can help others feel worthy. When we walk down the street, we won’t just be walking through a crowd of noisy people. Instead, we can see each person individually, in need of God’s love. The annoying child next door, the nosy coworker, or the quiet woman on the bus suddenly becomes God’s precious creation.

So today, ask yourself if you are placing yourself in situations that show your true worth. Are you over-extending yourself for the sake of getting others’ approval? Are you overlooking someone who needs to be shown God’s love today?

You will always been worthy and seen by God. ❤

Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:32

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

Titus 3:4-7

Does God Love Me When I Don’t Feel Worthy?

Do you ever worry about God being disappointed when you don’t feel your best? Here’s some advice and encouragement!

Something that stuck with me one time was a remark someone said regarding self-worth. “It really must grieve God’s heart when we don’t see ourselves the way He sees us.”

When I first heard this, I was startled. But of course, isn’t God upset when we aren’t kind to ourselves? However, that only made me feel worse when I experienced self-doubt or self-criticism. On top of feeling worthless, I felt like I was angering God.

While God obviously wants us to see ourselves the way He sees us, I want to assure you that God still loves you when you don’t feel worthy. How am I so confident of this fact? Well, because Jesus says it pretty directly in a familiar parable.

In the parable of the prodigal son, the son had clear reasons for feeling unlovable. After all, he dishonored his father by demanding his inheritance before his father even had the chance to die, and then he wasted it all in a short period of time. He was stuck cleaning after pigs, the “dirtiest” animal by Jewish customs. That was the lowest of the low. He’d rather be a servant at his old home than make pig slop.

Imagine the humiliation of trying to re-enter a space where he was confident and arrogant after failing as miserably as he did. Yet he was willing to risk it in order to get a second chance.

Close your eyes for a moment and picture yourself at your lowest point. Feel the soft sand beneath your feet as you trudge up the hill to your home. There’s a weight on your shoulders, a weight that has only grown heavier as the mistakes pile up. Your clothes are torn and stinky. You’re drenched in mud. But a familiar scent of sweet flowers sends tingles down your back.

Open your eyes and squint–can it be? Your father, a ginormous smile on his face, running faster than any other elderly man has run before. He’s got no weapon in his hands, only open arms, ready to embrace you.

You stop dead in your tracks. Beads of sweat drip off your face and you lift a hand to swat them away. But before you get the chance, your father sweeps you into a giant hug, his familiar scent of sawdust comforting you.

After he steps away, you blunder through your speech, ending with, “I am no longer worthy to be called your child.”

That’s exactly what the prodigal son said, “I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” No longer worthy.

But how does the father respond? He doesn’t even answer that. He might chuckle, like, how could you possibly have thought that? Then he sends out his servants to prepare a feast to welcome you home.

What bigger act of love is there than combining all five love languages together? The father wanted to spend time with his son by racing to see him. He gave him a big hug and kiss. He gave him the gifts of service and presents by preparing this party and pampering him. And he proudly announced to the world that this is his son, who was “dead and has come alive again”. Not wasting time. Not humiliating the family. But dead, lost, missed.

We so easily believe the lie from the enemy that our feelings towards ourselves reflect how God and others see us. When we feel embarrassed, we are sure we can’t be used for good. When we fall into temptation, we believe we can never be forgiven. When we make a mistake, we think we are unlovable.

But God says otherwise. He doesn’t go off of feelings; He goes off facts. And the fact is, He loves us so much that He wants to welcome us home after every mistake, every self-doubt, and every stumble.

Today, if you’ve been feeling ashamed of yourself, remember how God sees you. He loves you so much and He’s ready for you to come home.

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

Luke 15:20

Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

Acts 13:38

Earning Grace

Do you struggle to comprehend the true meaning of grace? Here is some advice and encouragement.

I have yet to understand the purpose behind reading The Great Gatsby in high school. Although it was entertaining, I hardly remember any compelling themes or relatable topics in the book. The one thing I do remember, however, is an enlightening conversation we had regarding “new money” and “old money”.

New money is money earned by someone during their lifetime. They had to work for it. Old money is inherited money, passed down from generation to generation.

My teacher asked us, “Which seems more fair? New money or old money?”

We responded unanimously, “New money!” Even though it didn’t seem fair for either party to be filthy rich, at least with new money, it is well-deserved.

I’ve been trying to comprehend the meaning of grace over the past several weeks, and why we have such difficulty accepting God’s grace in our lives. Then I came to a profound realization while reading What’s So Amazing About Grace, by Philip Yancy. The reason we don’t understand grace is because it goes against what our society deems “fair”.

Think about it. Does it seem fair for one employee to work seven hours and get paid a hundred dollars while another works one hour and gets the same paycheck? No it doesn’t! In fact, it probably irritates us just thinking about this scenerio.

Yet Jesus gave that same example when explaining God’s generosity and grace to His disciples. Grace doesn’t make any sense. We can’t really make it make sense. When we do something wrong, we expect to have to make up for it. Of course God wants us to repent, but He doesn’t require us to do a certain number of good deeds to earn back His affection.

Let’s be honest: none of us deserve God’s grace. I don’t, you don’t, no one does. Yet we all are given this priceless gift simply because God loves us. We can’t do anything to earn God’s love. It’s simply there.

So what now? How can we show that we understand God’s grace in our daily lives?

Well, by extending that grace to others and to ourselves.

And I know that it’s hard. I struggle with it too. It means forgiving someone before they say sorry, letting go of past resentment even when it seems “too late”, having the self-control not to snap when someone pushes your buttons, not criticizing yourself over the littlest (or biggest) mistake.

But when we extend that kind of love through grace, we are finally showing others the true nature of Jesus. Sure, anyone can be kind, because it makes sense to be kind. Sure, anyone can be responsible, because responsibility pays off. Sure, anyone can be loyal, because there are consequences for being unfaithful. But can anyone be grace-filled? No, because grace doesn’t make sense.

Yet it is by grace that we are here. It is by grace that we are still breathing. It is by grace that we are saved and loved and chosen by Jesus.

And when you finally allow yourself to soak in the meaning behind those words and the verses that pour out Jesus’ love for us, you will begin to see your life change.

 He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.

2 Timothy 1:9

Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.

John 1:16

When I stumbled,

I stumbled

not backward

but forward.

So that when I fell,

I fell into grace.

Morgan Harper Nichols

The “Unforgivable” Sin

We all have that one mistake that we doubt God can forgive. But through sharing a piece of my story, I hope I can encourage you and remind you that God will forgive anything you’ve done.
Trigger Warning: Suicide

We all have that one sin, that one mistake. The one that “doesn’t qualify” when Jesus says our sins are forgiven. Sometimes we hide it, ashamed. Other times we talk about it a lot, seeking validation from others. Yes, it is bad enough to still feel burdened by.

But when I tell you that your sins are forgiven by Jesus, I mean it with my whole heart. Even that one sin. Even that one mistake. Even if you never got the chance to say “I’m sorry”. Even if you think it’s too late.

Take this from a person who has spent the last two and a half years trying to forgive herself for the biggest mistake she’s ever made in her life.

When people look at me and my life, they might laugh at the idea of me committing an “unforgivable” sin. They might think, “Oh, she’s probably gossiped or lied or put something before God, nothing that serious.”

To be honest, it’s almost harder to be seen that way than as someone who is notorious for doing the “big bad sins”. (But, by the way, all sins come down to the same cost, Jesus’ death on the cross, making no sin “worse” or “better” than another). When you have the reputation as the “good Christian”, people are less inclined to believe you’ve suffered pain or separation from God.

It’s hard to admit and talk about what happened. I worry people won’t see it as a “big enough” deal. I wonder if they will see me differently. I don’t even know what sort of reaction I want from people.

But I’ve come to realize that everything happens in our lives to teach us something, perhaps lessons we are supposed to share with others. More importantly, they should bring us closer to God. And, though it’s taken time, this one certainly did. If my story helps someone else on their healing process, then it’s worth being vulnerable.

It was January. I met him three months before– the guy who changed my life. When we first met, I thought he was nice, perhaps overly friendly, but the longer I knew him, the more my discomfort grew. To say I knew him would be an overstatement. The truth is, I really only had a few interactions with him. I was scared of him, I think, and of what I believed his intentions were. Each interaction sent me into a spiral of hateful thoughts. They stemmed from a place of fear and insecurity. I should’ve said something, but I didn’t. Instead, I dreaded seeing him and allowed my feelings to consume me.

When I say hateful, I truly mean hateful. They were unlike anything I had ever felt before or since. These feelings burned inside my chest. I could barely look at him; I could only glare. I remember walking by myself and thinking, I wish he were dead.

The last time I saw him was around Christmas. We were in a packed gym, and he was playing spike ball with some friends. By this point, I had made it clear I wasn’t interested. The ball rolled over to me, and he came to get it. He started saying thank you, like he expected me to pick it up. Instead, I moved to the side and avoided looking at him. Yet he thanked me again, and we made eye contact. Then he turned away, and I never saw him again.

January 22nd, 2019. I found out in an email that he died by suicide.

I can’t even begin to describe the weight of guilt I felt. For a week, there was a pressing sensation on my shoulders and I had a constant headache. I didn’t cry because I didn’t know what I was grieving. After all, I barely knew him.

I learned more about him after he died than while he was alive. He was so different than the person I made him out to be in my head. In many ways, that made it all the worse.

It just so happened that a retreat was scheduled the following weekend. Throughout the retreat, I felt isolated, closed off from everyone else. No one reached out to me, perhaps because no one knew I was hurting. I took walks on my own and sobbed, crying out to God and asking Him why such a horrible person–me–could still be walking the earth. What good was I?

At the same time, I had lost several friends and felt incredibly alone. I wondered if this was some sort of punishment from God. Maybe this is why I’m alone, I thought, because I’m a terrible person.

On the last night, my youth pastor gathered us in a circle to pray for each other. Many shed tears as they relayed their current situations. Some recently lost grandparents, another’s father was dying of cancer, and several were dealing with anxiety.

My issues, loneliness and guilt, couldn’t compare to their problems. Why would God want to listen or help the girl who wished death upon His precious child? Or so I thought.

When it came to my turn, I could barely squeeze out my words. I finally whispered, “I just feel so lonely.”

To my surprise, several peers came around me and prayed. One prayer, which I’ll never forget, went something like this:

“Dear God, help Hannah see that she’s never alone and that no one is better or worse than her, but that we’re all equal.”

It was a very simple prayer, yet the weight on my shoulders was lifted. I felt lighter, more alive.

To say that solved all my problems or that it even caused me to believe that I was forgiven would be a lie. It has taken years to understand that God has forgiven me and that He can use me and that situation to help others. But it showed me that God cared, and continues to care and love us, even when we’re at our worst. When we feel unforgivable.

I don’t know what sort of “unforgivable sin” is burdening your heart. But I believe that God has already forgiven you and doesn’t want you to be bogged down by the past, but rather look forward with joy to what He has in store for you. It’s also okay if the healing process is taking longer than you thought or what others claim it should be. But you are healing, I can promise you that.

I also want you to know that if you feel unseen or unloved, I’m so sorry. But you are not unseen or unloved. You are treasured, adored, by the most powerful Being in the universe–Jesus. He loves you. He sacrificed everything for you. He wants you to know that you are so special and so needed and so, so dearly loved.

And if no one’s said this to you today, I love you. ❤️

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Colossians 3:13

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.

Ephesians 1:7

A wonderful song about God loving us at our worst, titled appropriately enough, Even at My Worst, by Blanca: https://youtu.be/qiD-UzbH5VA

My “Origin” Story

Thank you for being a vital part of the Will to Wake Up community! Here is the story behind my blog!

As you might have noticed, The Will to Wake Up went through a few renovations this weekend! I’m hoping this new format makes it more user-friendly and inviting! Though this blog is reaching its two-year anniversary, I know many of you may be new! That’s why I’ve decided to share the origin story behind The Will to Wake Up.

As you can tell from the website link, I’m slightly obsessed with the Enneagram 🙂 I originally wanted to have a blog dedicated to writing about the Enneagram, but after about two posts, I ran out of things to talk about! That’s when I decided a faith/encouragement blog would be more inspirational.

Sure enough, it has been, after 143 posts, I still have more to say and learn with all of you!

The truth is, I was in a really bad place at the time of when I created this blog. I was in a season of loss, trials, and instability. I knew that I should draw closer to God through the hardships, yet I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I wanted to do more with my life than sit around and hope for things to get better. I wanted to make a difference–I still want to!–but I didn’t know how.

I prayed and listened to what people around me were saying: “You should make a blog!”, “You should do more with your writing!” ,”Share your writing with a bigger audience!”.

So, the morning after one of the hardest days of my life, I flipped open my laptop and decided to just do it. No more waiting around, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more wishing for a close relationship with God without doing anything about it.

I’ve gotten a lot of questions surrounding the name of this blog. To be honest, it just sort of came to me, as most inspiration does. I needed a wake-up call in my life, something or someone to motivate me. Then it hit me–God’s my will to wake up. He’s the reason I am given a second chance every morning. He’s the One who gives my life a purpose.

God filled me with an overwhelming amount of peace and joy as I learned to spend more time with Him when life gets difficult. I knew I had to share that with others.

Though I may not have hundreds of readers, I know that God is using this blog for amazing things. Every single comment reminds me that God works through everything. Every person is important and even if this blog only touches one life, that will make it all worth it.

I hope that you have and will find encouragement and love here. I am so, so grateful for you. ❤

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.

John 4:7

Children of God

Have you ever wondered what Jesus meant when He compared believers to children of God? Here is some encouragement for when you aren’t sure if God loves you.

I love children, I promise you I do. I spend more than half my week teaching them, taking care of them, and being humbled by them. All my previous and current jobs and volunteering opportunities have involved kids. They have such a unique way of viewing the world. It’s still mysterious and exciting to them. I love the spark in their eyes when you tell them something they’ve never heard before. They aren’t so quick to defend their former ways of thinking. They are willing to embrace the surprises in life.

But, if you’ve spent any time at all with kids, you know that they aren’t always easy to be around. They are demanding and impatient. They often believe they know what’s best for them even when they don’t, they change their minds frequently, and they are experts at whining.

When I think about Jesus commanding us to be like children, I’ve always assumed He was referring to the positive qualities I shared: curiosity, innocence, anticipation for the future. But today, as I spent time with three very precious children who ran in three different directions and expected me to be at their beck and call, I’ve found a new insight about being God’s children.

Yes, Jesus included children in His ministry to remind us to embrace the surprises in life and see the world through a child’s lens. But He’s also comparing us to children (regardless of our age) because we are His children. I don’t just mean He made us, I mean our relationship with Him is very much like a child’s is with a parent or guardian.

Just think about it for a minute. When we pray, are we listening to what God has to say, or are we demanding that He do what we ask?

He’s the only one who knows what’s best for us, yet we often like to give Him a piece of our mind the second things don’t seem to be working out.

When kids get in trouble, they often claim that they never knew what the rules were. They were never warned, therefore it’s not their fault. It’s yours. Yet, you distinctly remember telling them what would happen if they broke the rules moments earlier.

It’s easy to blame God when life doesn’t go the way we want. We claim the consequences of our actions are His fault, when really, all God wants to do is help us have a fulfilling life. But do we always want to follow His instructions to have that life?

Despite my comparisons to children being mostly negative, I actually think this relationship is beautiful. Just think about it: when a kid whines to you or demands that you do something for them, it doesn’t make you love them any less. When they don’t obey you and they get the consequence for their action, you don’t think “haha, glad they’re hurt”, you feel sympathy for them. When you make rules, it’s because you love them, not because you look forward to punishing them.

And most of all, you want them to know that no matter what they do, you will never love them less. They can’t do anything to earn that love. You love them just because of who they are.

That’s how God sees us. He doesn’t want us to get hurt. He doesn’t want us to feel heartbroken. But He allows things in our life to happen so that we can learn to run to Him. He teaches us through both the good and bad experiences. And most of all, nothing you can do can make God love you less. He loves you because of who you are, not what you accomplish.

And that, my friend, is true love.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 4:9-11

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37-39