Advice – Page 4 – The Will to Wake Up

Words of Wisdom

Have you been hurt by someone’s words in an argument?

We all have that one phrase that gets under our skin. It’s usually a criticism, and something people don’t realize harms us. Often it’s meant to shine a light on a weakness of ours (or maybe a perceived weakness that we’re working on), but it wounds instead.

For me, it’s being called “selfish”. I’ll never forget the time in middle school when I was first outright called selfish. My mom and I were in an argument and she used that term against me. That stung deep because my whole life, growing up as an only child, everyone assumed I was self-centered. And I’ll admit, I’ve had moments of being selfish. However, it was something I was working on and worked so hard to not be. I felt like a burden and did everything I could to not make things about myself, even sacrificing my sanity sometimes. But there it was, that evil word. This particular irritation, this deep wound that comes when it’s implied that I’m not thinking of others, must stem from this feeling of needing to earn my worth, of not sacrificing enough. Often, these “trigger phrases” come from past pain and deep seeded lies from the enemy. Nonetheless, they cause us to spiral into self-doubt and cause us to forget who we are in Jesus.

I don’t blame my mom, or others who have used this adjective. My mom even denies having that argument because she can’t imagine saying that and she affirms me on a regular basis. However, whenever the word “selfish” comes up, it still stings.

Today, when I shared how I felt about a sensitive subject with a friend, she shot back, “You’re not the only one going through hard things.” That hurt. That hurt a lot. To me, that was an implication that I’m a selfish person. While she didn’t mean to wound me, it went far deeper than she realized.

But this post isn’t a debate of whether or not I’m a selfish person. It’s about what I’ve learned from being hurt by other people’s misguided remarks. I know I’ve hurt others with my words before, especially words coming from an angry place.

Words hold a lot of power. A lot more power than we realize. We won’t always realize how much they can change others’ lives, whether for good or bad. That’s why we have to be careful with our words, using them sparingly sometimes, or inserting them into heated conversations to bring peace other times.

The issue with words is that they are so easy to say or type or write. In a few seconds, there can be a whole angry paragraph on text sent out. Or in the blink of an eye, we’ve opened our mouths and spit out the very same hurt someone else has thrown at us. When we don’t think, we can’t exercise wisdom.

Now, I’ll be honest, it’s pretty much impossible to never hurt anyone’s feelings, especially with your words. But it’s important to always keep in the back of your mind that your words may have more impact than you realize. So make that impact positive. Make your words be what lifts people up.

For me, the phrase “You’re never alone” has stuck with me from a prayer a friend prayed over me during a retreat during one of my darkest times. Still when I hear it, I feel an instant sense of warmth and love. I feel God’s presence beside me. It has the opposite effect of “You’re not thinking of others”.

We all have weaknesses. I have more than I can count, and sometimes selfishness is one of them. Sometimes speaking before I think is one of them. When we see a brother or sister in Christ struggling with a sin that’s hurting others, we should find a way to help them work through it. But we shouldn’t make them think that they are any less of a person by struggling with something because we are no more perfect than they are.

It is by God’s grace that we are here, and when we extend that grace to others, we will begin to see the world in a whole new light. The light of God’s unfailing love. ❤

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.
Ephesians 2:8

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
James 1:19

Too Late…Or Right on Time?

Do you feel like life is passing you by? Here’s hope for the times when you feel too late to make a difference.

Growing up, one of my biggest fears was being late. Late to school, late to appointments, late to practices. My stomach would churn, my heart would race, I would gag in the car on my way if I knew there was a chance I’d be late.

So often, we are afraid that things are too late. We think God’s answer to our prayer is too late. We’re too old to meet someone new. We’re too burned out to make a difference. We’ve been sick too long to be healed, and if we are healed, then why didn’t God heal us fast enough?

I think this stems from our society’s fear of being late. It started off as a sign of respect, being on time. That’s a good thing. It’s good and professional to be on time to meet. But now there’s this stigma around being late to life events. Oh, you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life by the time high school’s over? Too late! Oh, you aren’t married and you’re over thirty? Yikes. Oh, you haven’t gotten the job of your dreams by age forty? Guess you never will!

Besides how hurtful these assumptions are, and how they are completely WRONG, they also cause us to doubt God’s timing. And let me tell you something, God’s timing is never off.

I’ll never forget 10th grade, the year that completely changed my life and my relationship with God. I struggled with my mental health; I was really lonely. I thought my loneliness would be “cured” if I had someone to eat lunch with. I tried reaching out to different people, but after being rejected countless times, I stopped. Then, a few weeks before school got out, I realized a fellow classmate was also sitting all alone, and we were able to eat lunch together for the rest of the year.

I kept wondering why God didn’t allow us to connect until so close to the end of the year. I wouldn’t have had to suffer the rejection and humiliation of being all alone, I told God. But then, maybe I wouldn’t have realized how much I need God. I might not have had this burning passion to reach those who feel lost and alone, unseen and unheard. Though that year was tough, really tough, God used it to bring about longer lasting effects than if I’d gotten what I wanted right away.

Waiting often comes with pain, whether we’re waiting to be appreciated, loved, healed, or valued. But in the end, pushing through it is worth it. There have been many times when I’ve wanted to give up on things that God’s called me to do. His answers haven’t come “fast enough” or the reward for the action, whether it be a word of thanks or a renewed relationship, haven’t been given to me yet. But I’ve come to realize that God gives us those things right when we need them most. Not when we think we need them, but when we actually do.

And the best part is, those things that we think we have to wait for, we can find in God. He calls us chosen, loved, valued, seen. He loves us and wants us to come running to Him when we feel anything less than that.

Don’t give up hope. God is never late. He is right on time.

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him.
Ephesians 3:16-21

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.
2 Peter 3:8

What Counts as a Sin, Anyway?

Do you often worry about pleasing God with your actions? Here is some advice and encouragement.

In a world where truth is often undermined, it’s difficult to find answers to society’s toughest questions, especially the ones from within the church. There’s so much debate over whether or not certain actions or attitudes are actually “sins” or should be accepted.

Before I delve into my thoughts on the subject, I want to remind us (including myself) that God is the ultimate and only Judge. What makes Him a good judge is that He cannot sin. He is perfect.

We, on the other hand, are in need of His grace daily. It’s easy to be distracted by the speck in another’s eye when we have a log in our own. If we don’t struggle with lying, then we will have an easier time looking down on liars. If we don’t struggle with gossip, then we feel the liberty to guilt those who do. But God doesn’t see us as liars, thieves, gossips, or even sinners. He sees us as who we can be, and are–His precious children.

That doesn’t mean we can do whatever we want, though. Because of His great love for us, Jesus came as an atonement for our sins. If we never sinned, He never would’ve had to come. And if you think about all the evil and pain in the world, you’ll be uncomfortably reminded that sin is very prevalent in our world.

All sins are weighted the same. No sin is worse than another, and no sin is better than another. They all require the same price–death. But when asking myself whether or not an action or idea is a sin, I think of sin in two categories:

Very Obvious
The “Grey Area”

I’m sure we could list out the very obvious sins, such as murder, adultery, idol worship…so I’m not going to focus on that part. You can find all those things spelled out in the Bible, especially in the Ten Commandments.

The “Grey Area”, though, is tricky. A lot of things can fall into the grey area, and sometimes the Bible doesn’t give word-for-word definitions of these actions. That doesn’t mean we should continue doing these things, though, which is why I’m sharing the three things that help me decide whether or not something is a sin.

It Comes Between Us and God

This is the biggest factor for me. Whenever something comes between us and God, it is an idol. Idols aren’t just little wooden statues that we bow down to every day. They often take the form of our ambitions, careers, and even loved ones.

Now, that doesn’t mean those things are bad. God wants us to love others, have dreams, and do honest work. But we always have to put God first.

Some questions to ask yourself if you think you’re putting something before God are:

Am I spending more time thinking about this than God?
Would I deny my faith to get this thing?
Is this taking away my time with God?
Does this thing make me more reliant on myself than God?
Am I trusting this more than I’m trusting God?

Now, I totally get that you have to put food on the table, which means spending more time in the office than at church. But think about whether or not this activity or person is interfering with your relationship with God. Has God felt more distant since it came into your life?

It Hurts Others

One of Jesus’ most important commands was to love our neighbors as ourselves. Jesus clearly demonstrated that over and over again by sacrificing His time, status, and ultimately His life for others. It hurts God when we get hurt because He loves us so much. So I’m sure you can understand that when you do something to hurt others, God isn’t thrilled. In fact, it breaks His heart.

Now, as I shared in my post about boundaries, we aren’t supposed to be doormats for others. However, when given the opportunity, we should do whatever we can to show God’s love to people.

Here are a few things to stay away from when you are trying to not to hurt people:

Gossip

Let’s be honest, we’ve all done it, we may or may not have had to suffer the consequences of it. But gossip truly does destroy relationships and causes deep wounds within others. If you are conscious about what you’re saying, you’ll find yourself gossiping less and less.

2. Lying

Honesty shows others that you respect them, but also that you respect yourself. You are not ashamed for who you are and what you believe. Even if you have to say something that others don’t want to hear, in the long run, they will be glad that you didn’t keep anything from them.

3. Brashness

I’m disappointed by the negative connotation the adjective “sensitive” has taken. I believe that sensitivity is actually a strength. It means taking the time to think about what you will say, especially on a touchy subject, before speaking. Sensitivity can mend wounds instead of digging them in deeper.

You Have a Certain Feeling About It

When we spend time in the Bible, with wise mentors, and in prayer, we are able to sense the Holy Spirit and where it’s leading us. Paul actually shares in his letters of when the Holy Spirit told him not to go to certain places and where he should go next.

It’s actually incredible how part of the Holy Trinity is inside us. We shouldn’t take this gift for granted.

Much like a conscience, the Holy Spirit often gives us a sense of right and wrong. It’s not always good to rely solely on our feelings, but when we have an instinctive feeling about something or someone, it is often the Holy Spirit.

Once you get that feeling, go back to the Bible and what you know about God. Does it go against God’s character? Have others been pulled away from God by this activity or situation?

God gives us wisdom generously when we ask for it. So if you are ever confused, simply ask, and listen.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:23-24

Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save,
or his ear dull, that it cannot hear;
but your iniquities have made a separation
between you and your God.
Isaiah 59: 1-2

The Pain of Healing

Are you wanting to heal and move forward, but something is holding you back? Here is some encouragement.

I’ve learned a lot from working at a barn. One of the seemingly least profound things is that running for lengthy periods of time in boots creates long-lasting effects on one’s toes.

You may be wondering how I’m possibly going to tie that opening in with something biblical or even remotely helpful, but hear me out 🙂

I’ve had a hard callus growing on my toe for months now, and I’ve chosen to ignore it. But today, when I put my socks on, I noticed that it was sizably larger than the rest of my toes. It was also red, painful to walk on, and throbbing. Though I still didn’t want to deal with it, I knew I had to in order for the swelling to go down before work. I attached an ice-pack to my foot and proceeded to go on with life.

However, it just couldn’t be that easy.

Moments after, my foot was even redder and the ice stung my skin. I finally had to take it off in order to concentrate on my work. It was more painful treating the injury than the injury itself! However, it worked, and I’m finally able to function normally again.

I don’t know about you, but when I think of healing, I usually picture myself wrapped in a cozy blanket, close to God, away from the harshness of the world. I’m tenderly held within God’s strong hands, sheltered and protected, not having to deal with what hurt me.

While we are always taken care of by God, avoidance is not the way to find true healing. I’ve lived that lie over and over again, trying to push away the pain and just move forward. I’ve prayed to God to help me let go.

But here’s the thing: I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t heal, until I admitted that I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t find peace until I realized that I had experienced something painful. Even if it wasn’t something that others might be concerned by, it still mattered to me.

So many “inspirational” speakers claim that we can’t look back, we have to chug forward, we have to keep moving. There’s definitely some truth to that. But we can’t just ditch the people and experiences that have shaped who we are without allowing ourselves to fully grieve their absence.

Healing involves pain.

I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true. Just like how the ice also caused my foot more pain, it was the only thing that could help me. Sometimes the pain of confronting old feelings hurts more than when we were originally betrayed. When we are beginning to heal, it may feel like we’re taking steps backward. We may wonder why we are still thinking about them or what happened. We may wonder why we didn’t get the neatly wrapped ending that movies promise us. We may question whether or not we trust God if we are still processing what happened.

God wants us to bring the hard questions to Him. He knows what it’s like to grieve, but also to bring healing. Sometimes healing happens quickly; other times, it will be years of waiting for the freedom that comes with letting go. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you, just trust that someday you will get there.

Over the past two and a half years or so, I’ve gone through some difficult tests of faith. Some included heartbreak, others included costly decisions and damaged relationships. Each individual instance sparked a different series of actions that caused healing. Each one has taken a different amount of time to process and move on from.

Over the past couple weeks, God has helped me have the confidence to fully let go of something that burdened my heart for a long time. I can’t even begin to describe to you how free I feel. I feel weightless, hopeful. The future is wide with possibilities. I finally feel excited about the plans God has for me.

Coming to this place, where I’m at right now, wasn’t easy. It required many sleepless nights of pouring my heart out to God. Many moments where a song touched my heart in just the right way to elicit a flow of tears. It even required more heartbreak before I could finally release this idea of what I wanted and embrace what God has for me.

The thing I keep repeating to myself is that I will never miss out on what’s meant for me. I believe that to be true for everyone, including you. When one door closes, God will surely open another one.

Today, allow yourself to fully process the past, but continue to have hope that God will restore your life. He loves you so much and He has an incredible purpose for you.

Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
Psalm 30:2

‘But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 30:17

You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.
Isaiah 38:16-17

Amazing song about healing: https://youtu.be/tDiG3Nxm7CU

Boundaries: All I Learned From My Mistakes

Are you feeling burned out, as though the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Today I’ll be sharing everything I learned from my mistakes when it comes to making boundaries with people.

You’ve tried so hard to be nice. Now, though, things are catching up to you and you still see no reward. Your boss never gave you the promotion or recognition. The person you like still treats you like trash. Your family is only piling on more demands.

I think it’s pretty clear why we need boundaries:

For our own mental health

People who struggle with boundaries also often struggle with self-esteem. They believe they have to earn their way into someone’s heart by doing things for them, even at the cost of their own peace and time.

For our energy

When we are taking on too many tasks or carrying too many emotional burdens, we get exhausted. When we’re not rested, we aren’t helping anyone. We are often grumpy, not seeing situations clearly, and lacking in joy. Rest is so important, yet often put at the back-burner, and neglected when we take on too much.

For our relationships

Any good relationship of any kind deserves to be built on respect. But if one person acts like the workhorse of another, then there certainly isn’t respect happening. But it’s not just the person without boundaries who’s lacking respect. It’s also the person doing all the work. When we don’t make boundaries, we get annoyed at the people we are serving, and resent them more and more over time.

How Making Boundaries Changed My Life

I’ll be honest–I used to be terrible at making boundaries! Especially at church, because I thought it was wrong to say no to good opportunities. But the truth is, there will always be some opportunities that seem good, but just aren’t meant for us. Even now, I occasionally struggle, but I have grown a lot from my mistakes. Hopefully you won’t have to make the same ones as me, but if you have already, perhaps this will help you learn from your mistakes too.

Mistake #1: Repaying, and Repaying, and Repaying…

We all have that one person in our lives. You know the one. They act all friendly when they want something, eager to do anything for you. But then, once they do one favor for you, suddenly you’re indebted to them for life!

I’ve had this happen to me on multiple occasions, but most recently it occurred with a person at my church. She was a great help to me by offering to assist me in my college search and giving me wise advice. She even gave me some experiences I lacked in my college application process that required her time and energy. When I ended up choosing the college she recommended, I felt even more grateful to her.

However, we had a meeting shortly after this happened, where she asked me to help with three different ministries. I love all three of them– children’s ministry, youth ministry, and the host team. I wanted to help with all of them, and I had planned on helping with two. Yet, I was feeling swamped between my new job and demanding course load, which I had already told her about. But because she had done so much for me, the least I could do was agree to these commitments, right?

As I began to work more with her, my joy and affection for my church dwindled. I hardly ever got to listen to the sermon. I was frustrated working under her because I found out she wasn’t clear on giving directions or generous with appreciation. The other leaders I was working with were cold towards me. The students in one ministry seemed more interested in their phones than in even answering “how are you?”.

The worst part was that I blamed myself. The truth was, I could’ve said no. I could’ve told her I only had time to be involved in one or two of those ministries. Then perhaps I would’ve enjoyed my time at church more and would’ve connected more deeply to the people I was serving. I was also irritated that her sacrifice of one day to help me had to be repaid with an entire year’s worth of service.

It’s easy to get pressured into saying yes when we feel guilty for someone else helping us. But we always have to make decisions with the right intentions. Serving in ministry is a wonderful thing, but even that can be done for the wrong reasons. Same with other tasks that seem like good or kind things. You will enjoy life to the fullest when you start saying yes because Jesus tells you to rather than out of obligation.

Mistake #2: Trying to Be Someone’s Hero

Let’s be honest, the easiest way to boost our self-esteem is when we find someone who is immediately drawn to us and wants us to rescue them from their difficulties. We want to be their only source of assistance and advice. We want to be the one they rely on.

But the truth is, besides the fact that should never try taking the place of God, it’s also incredibly exhausting playing “hero”. When we don’t live up to our own expectations, we feel like failures. It discourages us from reaching out in the future. If the person suddenly doesn’t need us anymore, then we feel resentful towards them, feeling betrayed.

I have tried being someone’s “hero” before, but I actually learned this lesson best when someone else tried to be my hero.

A few years ago, I was in a difficult place. I didn’t have very many friends or people to confide in. I never stood up for myself. Then came along an older friend who was more than willing to listen, hang out with me, and introduce me to others. She would say how similar we were to each other, which now I wonder was her way of reassuring herself that her influence over me was working.

I believe she honestly thought she had good intentions. She cared about me and wanted me to feel connected. But not connected without her.

After growing a lot as a person, I began expressing my own views, taking on leadership positions, and making new friends. I wasn’t telling her my deepest fears or secrets anymore. I had new people to share things with or I was able to process things with God. I didn’t need her in the sense that I was dependent on her anymore. I obviously wanted to stay friends with her, and at the time, I hadn’t realized I was her “project”.

I found that out the hard way when we butted heads on a very personal issue, a decision I wanted to make that truly didn’t involve her. However, she had probed until I told her about it, and suddenly she wanted to take over. What shocked her the most was when I disagreed with her. I was no longer this “infant” who needed to be guided, babied, and nurtured. Instead, I was her equal, a person who had her own views and could handle herself.

The thing we argued about came and went. I’m sure I’ll even forget about it eventually. But the thing I’ll never forget is how hurt I was when I realized our friendship was built on her desire to be my savior rather than my companion.

If you really care about someone, don’t try to be their hero. Instead, point them to the only one who can really save them: Jesus.

Mistake #3: Pleasing the Wrong Person

I’ve mentioned people-pleasing many times, and that’s because I struggle with it a lot. I’ve talked myself into believing that nothing can compare to the burst of joy I feel when making someone happy, even when it’s at the cost of my own well-being or my faith.

I have so many instances of people-pleasing that we could be here all day. However, I’ll share of when I felt most convicted about it.

My mom and I were discussing a few responsibilities we had taken on and how we felt we couldn’t speak up on issues we felt passionately about for fear of angering the people we were working with. We’ve ruminated over this topic countless times, mostly because of how frustrated we feel.

Afterwards, I went to do my daily Bible reading, and I started the book of Galatians. Then right there, it was as though God was speaking right to me.

“If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Galatians 1:10

Whoa. To be honest, up until that point, I didn’t think the phrase “please people/people please” was even in the Bible! But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how right Paul was in this sentiment.

When we work towards pleasing people, whether by ignoring the way they talk about people we love, taking on too many of their unwanted tasks, or doing things for them that we wouldn’t normally do, we aren’t pleasing the one that we should care most about: Jesus. People pleasing can be an idol in our lives because we put people before Jesus. We can only have one master, will it be Jesus or the fear of displeasing others?

So Now What?

You might feel embarrassed or ashamed, but don’t be. It can take a long time before we realize we are valued enough by God to not seek validation from others. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to realize that. God understands our desire to make others feel loved, and sometimes that starts off by not having boundaries, and ends up being something healthier.

When discerning whether or not to say yes to something, ask God for His wisdom. He promises to give it out generously. Also ask yourself whether or not you need to trust Jesus if you say yes. If an experience will bring you closer to Him, then it is always worthwhile. But make sure you are still carving out time in your day to rest and spend time with God.

Here are a few books I’ve found helpful when it comes to making boundaries:

The Best Yes, by Lysa TerKeurst

Boundaries, by Henry Cloud

What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, by Lysa TerKeurst

The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the Lord.
Proverbs 16:33

But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.
Joshua 24:15

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.
Matthew 6:24

Life Hack #3: Honestly…

Sharing one of the best pieces of relationship/friendship advice I’ve ever received.

Growing up, how many times did you hear, “Honesty is the best policy”? Perhaps it was during the plagiarism speech at the beginning of every school year. Or maybe it was in a conversation with your parents after losing a friend over a “little white lie”. But have you applied it to your life as an adult?

Random thought: I almost wonder if I should change this series’ name to “Debunking cliché advice”. Hmm…

Anyway, I’ve given this idea of honesty a lot of thought. I’ve been trying to figure out why it’s hard. I’ve come up with three ideas:

We assume honesty means brashness

When someone tells you, “Just be honest with them”, you might picture yourself walking up to a person and crushing their dreams. Or maybe you think honesty means never using tact when talking about a controversial issue.

Well…how should I put this? No! That’s how our society has gotten honesty wrong, especially in light of all the recent tension and civil unrest.

It’s important to be true to your beliefs, especially when standing up for others or for your faith. But it’s also important to realize that people don’t come to their ideas overnight. It has taken years of experiences, pain, and advice from a variety of sources to get them where they are today. So when sharing your views, realize that part of honest means honestly listening to the other side and appreciating them as human beings, even if you don’t agree with them. And you certainly don’t have to agree with them.

Here’s the thing: People will want to listen to you more if you speak the truth in love. People will feel less attacked and more appreciative of where you’re coming from.

2. Honesty takes humility

Ah, humility. This idea revisits us once again, as it seems to do in my own life on a regular basis. We try to run, but we can’t hide from it. Being humble is one of the core attributes of a follower of Christ.

How does honesty take humility, though?

Well, being honest can mean “taking one for the team”. It might mean being the first person to admit you’re nervous about something. Or it could look like sharing your faith even when it isn’t the popular thing to do. Honesty means we’ll have to admit that we aren’t always right, that maybe the thing we were fighting for isn’t the best after all.

And that’s hard. That’s really hard. But if we aren’t honest about those things, we’ll miss out on growing as individuals and in relationships.

3. Honesty means sacrifice

In the movies, when someone makes a startling revelation and reveals the truth, they are often greeting with celebration or victory. But in real life, people may not respond to our honesty in the way we’d like them to. Perhaps it’s a confession of our true feelings, and the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe it’s sharing a controversial viewpoint that sends an old friend away. Whatever it is, if it matters to you, it needs to be shared. Unfortunately, that does often mean losing people. But the true friends, the ones who really care, will be there with you when you show your true self.

Why is honesty so important, anyway?

If being honest takes so much work, why is it so important in life?

Think about it, how has another person’s honesty changed your life? Maybe it was a current significant other making the first move towards building a relationship with you. Perhaps it was a parent admitting their faults and healing some childhood wounds.

Here are a few ways honesty has impacted my life, and as I share, continue to think about your stories too.

Honesty has made me feel more comfortable

A few nights ago, I went to my first social gathering after COVID. I was pretty nervous about seeing a ton of people I hadn’t seen in over a year. Perhaps you’ve also experienced this.

When I first got into the venue, a girl I hadn’t talked to in over two years came up and started chatting with me. I greatly appreciated her efforts, and even more so after what she said next.

“You know,” she said. “I might have seemed forward for coming over here like this, but I really don’t know anyone anymore and I wanted someone to talk to.”

In that moment, that’s what I needed to hear. I wasn’t alone in my nervousness. A gesture she might’ve found awkward or uncomfortable was actually what made me feel comfortable. Her honesty inspired me to reach out to others and be willing to be true to myself.

Honesty significantly impacts the success of romantic relationships

I have a friend who desperately wanted to be in a romantic relationship with someone and she asked for my advice. Though I’ve observed others’ relationships, I didn’t have much personal experience to go off of, so I spoke with a friend who doesn’t know her, so he’d have an unbiased point of view.

I shared with him how my friend has lied about who she likes to her crush and how their relationship has been based off guessing the other person’s feelings and lack of communication.

He replied, “From my experience, particularly my last relationship that didn’t work out, I’d say honesty is the most important thing in relationships. It might already be too late for them.”

And true to his word, once my friend was honest with her crush, she didn’t necessarily receive the response she had been hoping for, but she finally knew the truth. The truth can be hard to swallow, but important for moving forward.

This was also a good reminder to me to start relationships off with honesty rather than trickling it in as time goes on.

Honesty can heal old wounds

As I shared earlier in why some people avoid being honest, there’s this false idea that honesty only hurts people. But the truth is, honesty can be the medicine to a relationship.

I’m currently in a season of transition. Many of my friends are also moving on or moving away, or both. They seem to tie together often.

Anyway, while in a conversation with an old friend who had hurt me in the past, I gingerly brought up how our friendship had ended. I didn’t do in an accusatory way, but in a way that revealed how I had truly felt about the situation. It helped that it happened years ago, so I had time to process and no longer be mad about it.

This brought so much healing and closure to me, and I’m sure to her as well. We were finally able to realize how far we’d come and how we’ve changed as individuals. Honesty takes maturity, I’ll give you that much. That’s why it’s hard. But it’s the only way to find true closure when letting go of the past.

Does God want us to be honest?

Well, I think you can answer that one yourself. But yes, of course He does.

Jesus never sugarcoated things. He was direct, yet also the definition of love. As followers of Jesus, we should strive to do the same thing.

There’s a Proverb that goes, “Wounds from a friend are better than kisses from an enemy”. Are you upset by a person’s honesty right now? Are you doubting yourself for being honest with a loved one?

In the long run, being honest is the only way you’ll truly get places. Today, think about whether your relationships are based on honesty. I guarantee that the ones that are will last far longer than the ones that are not.

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.
Proverbs 10:9

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
John 8:32

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching.
Proverbs 6:16-20

Changing the Way We Speak to Ourselves

Are you tired of the cliche advice about improving your mental health? Here is the best advice I have when it comes to our conversations with ourselves.

On this Encouragement Thursday, I’ll be taking a break from my “Life Hacks” series to talk about something I find incredibly vital when seeking a fulfilling, joyful life.

There are so many theories on how to have the “best happiness” or really how to have the “best mental” health. A lot of times this advice comes in the form of annoying cliche expressions, such as:

“With every storm comes a rainbow.”

“Just stay positive!”

“You got this!”

“If you actually try your best, then success will follow.”

I could keep going, but you get the idea, and in fact, you could probably create a list like this yourself. Sometimes, when life is going amazingly spectacular, we agree with this advice. We might even give it out. But then, when the storm really hits, and all our mind can think to do is criticize, these words hurt. They sting. Then they carry with us to the next storm, and the next, until the storms feel never ending.

What’s truly the secret to having better mental health?

Well, the truth is there’s no clear cut way for each person. We’re all different. But to me, the best way of improving mental health is cultivating encouraging conversations in our minds. Changing the way we speak to ourselves and about ourselves, especially in certain conversations.

Talking about our trauma

By the time someone reaches the end of their life, they’re bound to have experienced at least one traumatic event. This often comes in the form of death, illness, or violent experiences. But sometimes trauma can be an ongoing pain or experience. Trauma takes many forms, it’s not something that can be boxed in. While an event might not be a big deal for one person, it might be truly traumatic for another. Yet our society doesn’t seem to understand that trauma comes in many forms. That has caused us to undermine our traumatic experiences.

Here are some key things to think about when discussing or thinking about the effects of your traumatic event(s):

Stop apologizing or feeling bad about your limitations

When I got into a serious car accident, I didn’t want to admit how much it had affected me and my mental health. I struggled with asking for help, and when I did, I felt guilty about it for years afterwards. It has taken me until now, two years later, to realize I am worthy of the help I received. I am also not any weaker for asking for help.

Do you often apologize when asking for help? That stems from lacking self-worth. Yet Jesus calls us His precious children, worth dying on the cross for. When we find our worth in Jesus, we will begin to realize we are worth it. Jesus is the source of our strength; therefore, we will never be “weak”.

Rephrase the way you view your shift in capabilities

For months after my car accident, I would hide my fear of driving by saying I was “bad at it”. That got ingrained in my head and only further heightened my anxiety. Instead of saying I was bad at it, I should’ve said “I’m not a confident driver”. That shows that I may not be there yet, but I can be someday.

When you think about yourself, don’t put your capabilities into a tiny box. You have so much potential. Instead of saying “I can’t do this”, say “I can’t do this yet“. Instead of saying “I don’t know how”, say “I don’t know how right now, but I hope I will someday”.

Leave room in your life for possibilities.

Is everybody watching?

Whether you’re shy, self-conscious, or have social anxiety, I’m sure you can relate to the feeling of everybody watching you when you enter the room. Perhaps we get this idea from the countless movies that depict the scene where the protagonist enters the school dance and all eyes turn to her. Or maybe the media has done it by providing new articles on scandals and intimate details of celebrities’ lives.

Well, I’m here to tell you something. No, everybody is not watching. And if someone happens to be, they will likely not remember what you’re wearing, whether you have a smudge of sauce on your face, or if you’re frowning. The only way you’ll make a grand entrance is if you’re carrying a giant stuffed money or an inflatable scarlet parrot 🙂 *spoken from others’ experience*

But think about it, do you remember what so-and-so was wearing, even if they were “popular”? Probably not. You just remember what you were wearing or maybe what your crush or best friend was. You might not even remember that!

Let’s face it: we’re in a self-obsessed world. While people can go on and on about how that hurts others, I think that hurts us the most. When we focus too much on ourselves, we lose track of the important things, like whether or not we reached out to the lonely person in the corner or if we said “thank you” to the tired hosts. We also begin that negative self-talk, like “everyone must think I’m an idiot for wearing bright orange” or “I don’t have any friends because no one’s talked to me in ten minutes”.

No. Trust me, all they’re thinking about is themselves and how bad they feel.

You know what would be memorable, though? (Besides the inflatable animals?) Being the one who makes someone’s day by complimenting their unique outfit or going across the room to talk to them. Be that person. Be the person who gets out of their head and into the heart of someone else.

What does God have to say about all this?

If you’re a long-time reader of The Will to Wake Up, you know that most of my posts come back to faith. And the truth is, you might be wondering what all this has to do with God. Does God care about what we say to ourselves?

In a word, YES.

You don’t think those +365 times He says “Don’t worry” in the Bible was intentional? Um…okay.

You don’t think “Set your mind on things above” refers to thinking about things that matter rather than things that are temporary? Sure…

You don’t think Jesus emphasizes how He’s the giver of peace because He knows we’ll struggle with retaining mental stability? Well…

The list could go on, and hopefully these few examples are sparking the other instances God reminds us of how important it is to take our thoughts captive. The bottom line is this: When we find our worth in Jesus and remember that He’s the only One who’s watching us, then we don’t have to worry about living up to others’ expectations. We don’t have to live in fear of being worthless anymore.

Your experiences, your pain, and your joy are all valid. People care about you. Jesus cares most of all. Today, instead of thinking bad things about yourself, tell Jesus your concerns and ask Him to give you peace.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8

Life Hack #2: God’s Will Requires Trusting Him

Do you struggle with knowing what God’s will is for your life? In Life Hack #2, we’ll see that God’s will requires trusting Him.

One of the toughest parts of being a follower of Christ is figuring out God’s will, especially during the monumental stages of life, like picking a career, a spouse, or location to live in. I’m not an expert in God’s will, but I have learned a lot through my own faith journey, particularly over the past year as I’ve been choosing a career path.

Life Hack #2: God’s Will Requires Trusting Him

If you feel like a failure for not knowing God’s will for your life, I understand where you’re coming from. First of all, you’re not. There’s a reason why there are so many theologians and books about the Bible out there. We’re all trying to figure it out and helping each other in the process.

Perhaps you’ve been in the same place I’ve been: Sitting at a desk, standing out in the street, staring across the table…deep in thought. Mind racing, heart beating rapidly, palms sweaty. The decision is due by such-and-such date, yet you still haven’t heard God’s divine voice from Heaven tell you exactly what you need to do.

Sure, you’ve read the Bible, flipping to the concordance to see any words matching your current situation. You’ve talked to countless mentors and friends, all who’ve given you the same advice: Just do God’s will and the rest will fall into place.

But what even is God’s will?

If you want to get specific, our goal as workers for God is bringing more and more people into relationship with Him. Not for the sake of numbers, but because having a relationship with Jesus cultivates love, compassion, and purpose, as well as eternal life.

But that still doesn’t clear things up, does it? Debating whether or not to go on a date with someone or choosing between two careers that weren’t even invented in biblical times won’t get clear-cut answers from the Bible’s definition of God’s will.

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given was this: You’ll know if you’re doing God’s will when you’re required to trust Him through the situation.

That means that things that are challenging are often part of God’s will for us because He’s giving us no excuse but to trust Him. He’s strengthening our faith.

A wise person once said, “If you ask God for patience, don’t be surprised when He places you in a difficult relationship or situation. If you ask God for peace, don’t be surprised when people you’ve been trying to hold onto are taken out of your life.”

The point is, we often doubt we’re doing God’s will when “everything goes wrong”. But a lot of times, those are the moments God is using to bring us closer to Him, to teach us things. When we realize that God is using every choice we make to help us grow, we won’t be as inclined to doubt ourselves.

Reflection

Is there a difficult decision you’re trying to make? Will one option bring you closer to God than the other? What is God trying to teach you through this?

No matter what you choose, God will work through the situation. The most important thing to do is give you life to Jesus, and He will work all things according to His purpose.

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
Philippians 2:13

Many plans are in a man’s heart,
But the counsel of the Lord will stand.
Proverbs 19:21

In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Life Hack #1: Always Do the “Kind” Thing

Starting a new series on life hacks! Today’s life hack: Always do the kind thing.

I always hated it when, after sharing a long, complicated dilema with a trusted person, I’d get the advice, “Just always do the right thing”. What’s right? How is that helpful?

When figuring out my major last summer, I came across the same issue and same unhelpful advice. “Just do what God wants you to do”. Well, how do I know what that is?

My second time ever speaking in front of my church, I was giving a speech on “Life Hacks” from the Fruits of the Spirit. Through this new series, named appropriately enough, “Life Hacks”, I will be sharing some (hopefully) actually helpful advice when it comes to making decisions. Ultimately, there will never be 100% confirmation that we did what God wanted us to do unless we hear His thundering voice (or still whisper). But the Bible (and life experiences) can give us some clear indicators on knowing we’re working for Jesus.

Life Hack #1: Always do the “kind” thing.

This might sound like a remix of “always do the right thing”, but hear me out. Deep in our hearts, we know when an action is kind or not. We know the place from which our actions spur out of. Only you and God know if you gave that person a gift because you loved them or you expected something back. Only you two know if you donated out of sympathy or obligation.

It’s hard knowing when something’s “right” or not. A lot of times we end up trusting our gut or trying to apply Biblical wisdom to the situation. Both are good, especially going to God’s word. But a sure-proof way of knowing whether or not an action will potentially leave a powerful lasting impact is asking yourself if it’s showing another person kindness.

It sounds a lot easier than it really is. Sometimes, we just want our opinion out there, so we choose to send the sharply worded text rather than sharing an encouraging post. Or being kind requires sacrifice. Maybe it means getting a “bad” reputation or dealing with a person who isn’t liked by society. It could be financial sacrifice too, like trusting God with the bills in order to donate to charity or tithe. Perhaps it’s just getting off the couch after a long day to make dinner for someone else.

But let me tell you something: Whatever the sacrifice, it’s worth it.

On Sunday, I was given the opportunity to show kindness to a family grieving. It was a simple gesture, didn’t require much sacrifice on my part. But the hot, muggy weather was getting to me. I considered just sending a text instead of bringing my freshly baked cookies and card over.

However, I listened to the Holy Spirit, knowing this was truly not a big sacrifice at all in exchange for bringing others joy. And I am so thankful I made the extra effort. It ended up benefiting me as much as it did them. In the moment, I had a meaningful connection. After the fact, I learned that they would be moving soon, and this might’ve been one of my last opportunities to reach out to them.

God knows so much more than we do. Actually, He knows everything. So take His word for it when He tells you to do something that doesn’t make sense, especially when it comes to reaching out and encouraging others.

Jesus knows all about sacrifice. He sacrificed His reputation to dine among “sinners”. He humbled Himself by surrounding Himself with “the least of these”. He sacrificed His own life to save us. Jesus is the definition of kind.

Reflection

Is there someone God’s placing on your heart today? Someone who needs an extra bit of kindness, a tender word or a sweet gesture of appreciation?

I often think back to a powerful quote I read, “Be kind, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about” (Wendy Mass). Only God knows everyone’s full story, and the only way to get to know someone better is to be kind to them.

And who knows? You might be unexpectedly blessed in the process too.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-5

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29

Saying the “Right” Thing

Have you been turned away from faith by a person’s words? Or worse, have you said the wrong thing and now regret it? Here’s some advice and encouragement!

I was saddened yesterday by a post a peer shared about the reason she despises all religions, specifically Christianity. She explained that her family “forced it” on her growing up and that a pastor’s weak condolence of “it’s all part of God’s plan” at her grandmother’s funeral was the final nail in the coffin in her rejection of God.

What makes me truly disheartened by this story is the truth that we, as believers, often say things like “it’s all part of God’s plan”. We usually say things like this when things are going well for us, and we want to cheer someone up. Or if we’ve had God reveal this to us through our own experiences. But we have to be careful not to make a few key mistakes when encouraging others in their faith.

What expectations are you holding for unbelievers?

A mentor wisely told me, “We have to be careful to not hold unbelievers to the same expectations we hold believers. After all, they don’t necessary know or care about what the Bible says, so why should we expect them to obey God’s commands?”

This is so true. While we shouldn’t condone sin, we have to realize that until they build a relationship with God, they aren’t going to understand the significance of repentance and God’s forgiveness. Holding them accountable will come in time, but first we must help them realize why they should even desire a relationship with God.

2. Are our words appropriate for the situation?

The pastor’s words to my peer weren’t lies. God does have a plan for everything. However, saying that off-handedly during a funeral may not be the best time. When others experience a significant loss, we shouldn’t force them to move on too quickly. We need to show them God’s comfort and love. Jesus, while on Earth, cried when He saw others suffering. In fact, He holds everyone’s tears in His hands even now. Being present with someone during their time of grief is more meaningful than spewing Bible verses at them. If the Spirit leads you to say something, then say it. But God can work even through our silent moments.

3. Do you have authority over what you are talking about?

My mom once described an old friend as “a person who likes to hear herself talk”. In fact, when making conversation with others, asking them lots of questions is a good start because people enjoy talking about themselves. This can all be fine and good, but when it comes down to witnessing to others, this can often be a shortcoming.

A lot of times we want to share a random tidbit of information we read online, even when we don’t have all the facts. Or we want to answer others’ questions even when we have no authority over the subject. When you are telling someone about Jesus, don’t start creating your own theology or make up answers to their questions. Instead, share personal stories of how Jesus has changed your life.

The best thing to do to be prepared for opportunities to share your faith is reading the Bible. That way you will have authority over what you’re speaking about. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to lead your discussions. God can give you wisdom right when you need it most.

Anyone who loves Jesus and desires to do His will can be a good witness for Him. Just make sure you’re sharing information that you know will actually benefit and encourage others.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
Romans 8:26

My peer’s grandma died of pancreatic cancer, which was the same disease that killed my church’s pastor. However, throughout my pastor’s journey, He grew closer to God and inspired others to keep holding onto faith.

While writing a condolence card for my pastor’s son, I considered sounding full of faith by saying, “God knows what’s best” and “Everything happens for a reason”. But instead, I wrote, “I honestly don’t know why this has happened to your family. But I do know that God has wonderful plans in store for your future.”

By admitting this, I didn’t deny God’s greater plan or the pain of his loss. But I didn’t pretend like I had all the answers, because I don’t. When we are vulnerable and honest, we are not lacking faith, we are becoming more relatable to those curious about God. Perhaps I could’ve said something different, something better. But I’m going to choose to believe that I said the best that I could because I prayed about each word I wrote. We often don’t say “the perfect thing”, but if we truly believe we did what God called us to, we don’t have to have regrets.

We may never fully understand God’s plan while on Earth. God wants us to fully grieve and appreciate those we have lost. There are two things that give me hope during seasons of grief:

God is right beside us. He knows and understands everything we’re feeling. His love isn’t dependent on how we behave or our circumstances.
Our sense of time is so different from God’s. A lifetime down here may be a blink of an eye up in Heaven. Though it’s hard to move forward after a loss, eventually we will be reunited again, this time for eternity.

Now that’s something to look forward to.

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.
Acts 1:8

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹²Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴I will be found by you,” declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 29:11-14