Life – Page 3 – The Will to Wake Up

An Endless Journey Towards Healing

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I will be sharing my personal story to encourage you on your journey ❤

It was like a flip of the switch. Suddenly, the easygoing, joyful young girl I used to recognize was gone. In her place came an overbearing, extremely sensitive, critical little monster.

And that monster was me.

Though a series of difficult events were unfolding in my life, I can’t pinpoint any of them as the root cause of this change. It just…happened.

For a long time, I saw myself as this monster. This person who couldn’t be pleased, who drowned in her own misery when alone. This person who thought nobody wanted to be her friend, when really there were people around who just didn’t notice. And there were some who did notice, but she couldn’t seem to see them at the time.

I look at the past like another lifetime. Another person acting out my life.

And it’s true that much has changed, both in the way I see the world now, and the world itself. But we can’t completely separate ourselves from previous parts of our journey. Pretending like those things don’t bother us anymore is just a disservice to everybody.

Last summer, many of the challenges I faced at the start of my mental health journey resurfaced. But instead of working through them, I pushed them down.

“I’m not the weak, pathetic person I used to be,” I told myself. “I’m over all that.”

But acting like that person was weak and pathetic only caused me further harm. It made me think that I had to be those negative attributes if I was struggling mentally.

I wasn’t weak; I was worn-out and tired. I wasn’t pathetic; I was hungry for the satisfaction and healing that only God can bring.

That was me then, at age 15. That was me last summer. And that is still me today.

When you don’t deal with something, it comes back to face you sooner or later. Sure enough, after being in an unhealthy environment in the fall, I had to remove myself from that community in order to find the deeper healing I needed.

But I can’t say that’s the end of my story.

Sometimes it feels endless, searching for healing. As one thing is resolved, another comes up. But what if we look at each day as a new chance for more than just stress and anxiety?

Every day is a new chance for healing. For grace. For peace.

That also means that every day can be a challenge of trying to accept those gifts from God. It means not feeling worthy of them. It means fighting with my thoughts while trying to focus on the things that actually matter to me.

And it means making healing matter to me.

Mental health can’t be something we push off to tomorrow. You know this. Your mind won’t let you forget it.

Let today be the day that you start to take care of yourself, no matter what others think.

Not everyone will understand. That’s something I had to learn as I’ve begun to take steps towards taking care of myself this year.

But that’s okay. Not everyone needs to understand.

God understands. He designed you, after all, and He will use your story for great things.

It may be hard to see now, but you are growing. You are beautiful, with all your broken pieces. You don’t need to fix yourself. You just need to let the ultimate Healer restore you. ❤

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I encourage you to share your story with others. It doesn’t have to be on a big platform or even in public. You can share it with a friend or another loved one. Someone who wants the best for you.

Our stories matter. Sure, they don’t reflect every person’s story. No single story can, and we don’t need to burden ourselves with that great of a task.

Just sharing your story is enough to inspire and empower people. To help them know that they are not alone.

You are not alone. ❤

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.
Mark 12:30-31

To The Indifferent American Teen

An open letter to GenZers.

Dear Indifferent American Teen,

Struggling to get up. Lacking motivation. Scrolling for hours. Feeling like a failure. Looking to your elders. Regretting your short life. You fight a battle too. I feel you.

You Indifferent American Teen.

You say “I don’t care”. Your shrug and your smirk confirm it.

But your “I don’t cares” are your cries for help. Your cries tell me that you do care.

You care until your insides ache and you can barely swallow your pride. You care until your face blemishes and your eyes are forced to turn aside. You care and you care and you care until all you care about is yourself. And that kills you the most.

Indifference is the mask you have been taught to wear. Only this type of mask doesn’t protect you. It pulls you back. It holds you captive. You are stuck in a web of lies.

I think you care. People say you don’t, but I know you. I am you. I feel you.

I think you care the most.

Every time your heart breaks, you must evaluate how someone will react. Will you lose a friend? Will you be cancelled? Will life ever be the same?

Every time a new issue pops up, it feels too far away to be real. Yet you don’t want to be left behind. But grasping in the dark for something steady to support you is an endless battle that will tear you apart until you become as empty as your spirit after a tough night.

You are in a sea of emotions. You are drowning and the only thing you can use as a lifesaver is indifference.

Indifference makes you sarcastic and pathetic. Indifference makes you hard and distant. Indifference makes you laugh when you know it stings the soul of a fellow human being who stares at you until the laughter dissolves into a tidal wave of tears.

Indifference is the deepest feeling of all.

You have been hurt. Your wounds are deep. But you can’t blame a war or a movement or a lack of knowledge. Instead, you blame yourself.

But you don’t want to be weak. You are supposed to be strong. Strong and independent. Proving your worth. That’s who you are. You can’t change. That’s what they say, anyway.

Even though you’re young with a full life ahead of you. Even though you’re bright and you aren’t your parents. Even though you’re special and precious and loved. Even though all these things…who are you?

I’m sitting beside you. I won’t tell you to cry or to feel or to trust me. Trust, that’s something in short supply. What I’ll tell you is this: You aren’t alone. Staring out at the starry night sky, there is someone–thousands of someones–who are just like you. And they don’t know who that person is either.

I don’t know you. Maybe you don’t want me to. Maybe the only thing keeping you going is keeping your identity a mystery. All yours, no one else’s.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but someone does know you. Someone cares about you. That Someone wants you. Needs you. Trusts you. Values you.

That Someone will love you the way your heart longs to be loved as your eyes linger a little too long on the one that broke your heart. It wasn’t their love that you needed. It was Someone’s.

I’ll venture to say, it was God’s.

So when you feel indifferent, tell Someone that. Tell Him and wait. You might just get a feeling.

I know I did.

Sincerely,

Your Fellow American Teen, who isn’t so indifferent anymore

You Are Essential

You are needed here, no matter what you have done.

Let’s be honest. We’re all sick of that word, but it’s still there, used to distinguish between the people who “help” and who don’t.

But what if I told you that you are essential, just by being here?

Maybe you haven’t solved the most recent medical crisis or participated in a noteworthy act of kindness.

Maybe you forget to hold the door open or don’t smile at a kid waving at you. Maybe you don’t go the extra mile for others.

Maybe you’ve done things so terrible that your heart aches just thinking about them.

But what if I told you that even with all those things, you are still needed here?

It’s not a question. It’s really a statement.

You. Are. Needed. Here.

Why? Well, glad you asked.

Maybe you’ve messed up. Big time. But that doesn’t mean those choices have to dictate the rest of your life.

Today could be the day you step out and say:

I am worth it.

I do make an impact.

I can use the love I’ve felt to motive me to love others.

And maybe all those things feel like catchphrases that slip in one ear and out the other. Fake. Not in your heart. Mindless.

But what if simple, yet profound phrases actually sink deeper into your heart? What if you allow yourself to believe that those things are really true?

Today you can make a difference. You can reach out and see how that quiet friend is doing. You can bury your pride and check in on a relative. You can welcome rest and grace into all your relationships, including with yourself.

How can we live with such assurance of our purpose? Because we know that God made us for a reason. While things don’t always make sense, God has a greater plan, and will use our gifts for His glory. The little things you do each day will add up, and looking back, you’ll realize how many people you’ve helped.

But the best part is, the more you accept God’s love for you, the more that love will extend to others. That’s the most beautiful thing of all. ❤

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:7-8

The Root of Resentment

What if the root cause of anger is really pain?

I could feel myself drifting before I knew why.

We were good friends. The best of friends, even. And yet I was becoming more and more resentful of the “perfect life” I thought she was leading.

Slowly, minor things she’d say would sting deep into my heart. I was *this close* to ending our friendship, if there’s even a way to formally end a friendship. (They say breaking up with a friend is harder than a significant other, and I wholeheartedly agree)

But then a mentor in my life told me something that stopped me dead in my tracks:

“We often resent those who we are lacking something from.”

In that moment, I realized that I wasn’t really mad at my friend. I was hurt because I felt like she didn’t need me anymore. That her life was suddenly better than mine.

And I was wrong.

If you are in that place in a friendship, I encourage you to do one thing. It might seem small (yet difficult, given how you are feeling right now), but it could save your relationship.

Reach out and ask them how they are doing. How they are doing really.

No “I’m fine” or “I’m pretty good”. The full story is the only way to realize that perhaps you have misjudged a few things. Maybe they aren’t living it up while you’re left behind. Maybe they still want you after all and were waiting for you to reach out.

And taking this action will remind both of you why you are friends in the first place: Because you care about each other!

The root cause of anger is not rage or injustice. I believe it is pure pain.

When we are hurt by someone, we don’t want to feel weak or overpowered by them. We want to feel stronger, and anger makes us feel powerful.

You are powerful when you are angry. It isn’t wrong to be angry, but it’s important to not let your anger control you.

Evaluate the situations in which you feel particularly frustrated. Has someone made you feel less than your true worth? Or have you been used in an unfair way that has left you ashamed or desperate?

You aren’t weak for being hurt. You aren’t weak for wanting people to notice you or love you or make you feel like you belong. It’s only human nature.

The truth is, we are unfortunately often unaware of how we affect others. We don’t realize how people long for those fulfillments from us. And it’s not our job to fill everyone’s needs.

But that also means we can’t expect people to define us or make us feel our true worth.

The good news is that we don’t need people to do that, either. We have someone ready and waiting to love us to the fullest extent: God.

God’s love surpasses all pain, disappointment, and despair that has been overpowering your life. You are free from the chains of guilt or betrayal. God will never leave you nor forsake you. God loves you more than words can describe and He’s waiting for you to accept His perfect gift.

So why not take the time today to reach out to God and to that person in your life who you’ve been envious of? You’re bound for a surprise, hopefully one that makes you feel encouraged.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

Nothing Will Be Wasted

Do you struggle with finding purpose during seasons of waiting?

Last weekend, I was fortunate enough to be able to visit a dear friend in Pennsylvania. I had to schedule the trip around my classes, which meant I was only there for one full day.

As I was waiting at the airport on my way home, I thought, “Wow, I’ve spent almost as much time at the airport and on planes as I have with my friend during this trip! How irritating!”

During the five hour flight back, I started writing in my journal about the events of the past two days. Chuckling, I realized many of the humorous stories occurred during my time at the airport.

Without the flight, I wouldn’t have had the time with my friend, nor would I have a complete story. I might even argue that the airport time was as essential to the trip as the time in Pennsylvania itself.

When we are waiting for something, whether it be a breakthrough, the achievement of a goal, or a simply happier season, the waiting period can feel endless and purposeless. But in reality, all of it is essential to the story of your life.

Without the waiting, you wouldn’t be prepared for what’s ahead. You wouldn’t have grown or changed or discovered the things you were meant to. The waiting is essential to the story because it reveals God’s faithfulness.

And when you look back, aren’t some of the funniest, most humbling moments during the waiting process? God uses those moments to bring us closer to Him as we embrace our humanity.

It can be very irritating to be waiting. But as you wait, take time to rest. Take time to discover and learn. Take time to simply be.

You will never get this time back, so why not make the most of it?

We will always be waiting for something or someone, even after we’ve gotten what we were previously waiting for. That doesn’t mean our whole lives are a waste. It just means we always have something to look forward to.

So today, trust God that He will come through in your life. Trust that this season will not be wasted and take the time to cherish every moment of it.

Throw yourselves into the work of the Master (God), confident that nothing you do for Him is a waste of time or effort.
1 Corinthians 15:58 (MSG)

Holding Onto Hope

Don’t let anyone steal the hope you have in Jesus.

Have you ever been overwhelmed with disappointment and discouragement, maybe even to the point of despair?

The closest I’ve come to despair was last summer. It felt like one disappointment after another kept hitting me on the head. The final straw was losing a close friend over a petty argument and regretting everything. But it was too late. Nothing I could do would solve this catastrophe.

Disappointment is often tied to two things: our inadequacies and lack of control.

When we fixate on what we can’t do, we are left feeling helpless and afraid. Afraid because we are faced with the sharp reality that we can’t dodge pain. We will never be unbreakable. We are, in fact, fallible.

And when we realize we aren’t perfect, we must admit that even if we were in control, things wouldn’t work out the way they were meant to. We weren’t created to be in control. Now that’s a hard pill to swallow.

I bet Jesus’ followers were in despair when they saw Him on the cross. They had faced constant persecution from an oppressive government, but they finally found a Savior. They finally had hope.

Disappointment requires a dashing of hope. That glimmer of light fading into nothingness.

And then, to see their only hope dying a humiliating death…reminding them that we are all breakable…well, that would just feel like the end, wouldn’t it?

But Jesus isn’t fallible. Jesus is perfect. Whole. In control.

And that’s why, three days later, their hopes would never be dashed again. Jesus’ resurrection makes all things new. All things alive, even our hopes and dreams.

Sure, their earthly desires wouldn’t often come to pass. They may have lost many close friends, regretted misspoken words or deeds, and suffered great losses.

But in the end, they could still have hope, and so can we. Hope that we have someone watching over us who loves us so much that He was willing to die for us.

Don’t lose hope. Something greater is coming. In fact, He’s already here. ❤

Happy Easter! He is risen! He is risen, indeed!

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
John 11:25-26

Don’t Brush the Pain Away

Do you feel pressured to make everyone think you’re okay?

I always thought I had to be happy at church. Put on a smile, say everything’s okay, and make people sure that God is working everything out in my life.

Well, God may be working everything out in my life (in fact, I know He is), but that doesn’t always make the day-to-day feel like a breeze.

Recently, I allowed myself to cry at church during a particularly moving sermon. That was the closest I’d felt to God in a long time. In fact, I even wanted that experience again.

And honestly, I think God would take our tears and our grief over fake happiness any day.

Sometimes, Christian culture makes us think that we have to be happy when we are in pain. We’re told that we aren’t trusting God when we allow ourselves to be upset by our pain, to feel those deep emotions.

But when we brush off our pain, we are hurting our relationship with God. We are also discouraging non-Christians by making them falsely believe we are perfect.

When we don’t allow ourselves to be in pain, we miss out on an opportunity to grow closer to God, to trust Him more deeply. We are instead resentful towards God when we believe He wants us to bury our feelings.

But God doesn’t want us to do that. Through Jesus’ own example, it was when He was tried and tempted, bruised and beaten, in the face of impending doom and death, that we witness God’s presence most in Jesus’ life while on earth.

Just think about Jesus at the Mount of Olives. Right before His death (and later resurrection) Jesus called out to God, seeking relief even though He knew what He had to do. Just because Jesus wished for a less painful way and allowed Himself to feel pain, doesn’t mean that there’s anything less in His sacrifice.

You are no less of a believer if you are in pain or grief right now. You may not even know what you are feeling, and that’s okay. God knows and He cares. God will take care of you.

And I assure you, the sooner you take the brave step of being honest about your feelings, the sooner you will find the healing you need.

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. ⁴⁰On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” ⁴¹He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, ⁴²“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” ⁴³An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. ⁴⁴And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
Luke 22:39-44

Staying Grounded in a Shaky World

Is your mind often consumed by anxious thoughts?

There are days when everything feels up in the air. Your career, your relationships, your faith even. It can feel hopeless, as though you’re stuck in a swirling sea of uncertainty.

The wisest bits of wisdom often come from children, even if they are unaware of what they are truly saying. Last night, I asked a preschool child what she is most afraid of, and her answer resonated most with the adults in the room.

She replied, “I am afraid when there is something new because I don’t know what will happen.”

She hit on the exact mark of why we are so often afraid: Because we don’t know what’s out there.

Another kid added, “I don’t think we’re afraid of the dark itself; we’re afraid of what’s in the dark that could hurt us.”

We are afraid of what could be.

According to Medline Plus, anxiety is characterized by feelings of fear, dread, or uneasiness. That impending doom lurking before us when we forget that God has an even bigger plan for our lives and won’t leave us behind.

But even with God’s help, we know that pain is just a part of life. We will certainly experience it before our time comes. So how can we stay grounded when anxiety consumes our thoughts?

There are a few simple actions I have found helpful when experiencing fear for the future. I’ll call them the three G’s.

Gratitude

Writing down a list of ten things that you are thankful for each day can help remind you that while bad things do happen, so do wonderful things. It can remind you that God has taken care of you and will bring you through this new season too.

Another gratitude related activity that I love is writing down something that you are thankful for related to your senses. For example, this morning I wrote that I’m thankful to feel my dog’s fur, see the beautiful sunshine, and taste fresh baked bread.

Keeping in touch with your surroundings is key. When you feel overwhelmed in a chaotic atmosphere, it can be relieving to start listing out what is close to you and focusing on the little details.

Growth

Keeping a journal of where you are at through different stages of your life is an excellent way to remember how far you’ve come. After a year, or even a shorter time than that, it can be encouraging to reflect on how God has helped you grow. Often, God uses our fear and lack of control over the future to help us trust Him more and more throughout our lives. It’s incredibly beautiful to see.

Grace

Have grace for yourself when feelings of fear rise up within you. You are not a failure for feeling that way.

In the end, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over our fears. Yes, God told us not to fear countless times in the Bible. But God also knows us and the situations He has planned for us. That means God knows that we will ultimately have moments of fear, and that doesn’t make Him love us any less.

Rather, God wants us to use those moments as opportunities to develop an even richer, deeper faith in Him.

They say you can’t be brave without having fear, because if you weren’t afraid of anything, then nothing is a risk for you.

The same goes for faith. If you don’t have any fear, then you have no reason to trust God.

Today, have grace for yourself, even when you feel yourself slipping. Instead of focusing on what you are disappointed about, remember that each day that you follow Jesus, you are becoming more and more like Him.

For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba,Father.” ¹⁶The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.
Romans 8:14-16

Discerning Voices

Do you ever feel troubled by voices that discourage you?

It’s late at night. You had a decent day before, nothing to worry too much about. But suddenly, it hits you. That one phrase that came out too fast, that one awkward moment, that one cause for slight concern.

And it haunts you for the rest of the night, maybe even trickling into the days that follow.

I thought of the idea for this post around 5 a.m. last night, as I lay awake in bed thinking about when I overshared during a meeting yesterday. At least, I thought I overshared. Nothing really indicated that I did, apart from one slight twinge of fear during the meeting. But the rest of the meeting was encouraging, uplifting, and hopeful.

So why focus on that one moment?

Well…that’s a good question that we all ask ourselves when we feel like we’re spiraling. Should we listen to the voice that tells us we aren’t good enough, or that we’re just an embarrassment? Is that the voice of God?

One of the hardest things about listening to God is knowing what God’s voice even sounds like. There are too many voices in our heads to discern sometimes. Even when we know a voice doesn’t sound like God, the words linger in our minds, affecting our actions and images of ourselves.

So what can we do about this? Live forever in fear of listening to the wrong voice? Allow negative voices to keep us from living to our fullest potential?

I think not!

Instead, we need to be prepared for the next time we hear something. We need to know what God would and wouldn’t say.

Based on what we know to be true of God’s character, here are a few things I think about when trying to decide whether or not the voice I hear is God’s.

God’s Voice Will Always:

Affirm God’s love for you, even if He’s helping you grow or learn from a mistake
Ask you to trust Him rather than fear
Focus on what can be done, rather than something out of your control
Remind you that you are God’s creation, precious and sacred in His eyes
Make you feel motivated to become who you are meant to be, even if that change is hard
Show you that you are not alone

God’s Voice Will Never:

Make you feel worthless
Deny a biblical principal, especially Jesus’ example or sacrifice
Put something before God or His love for you
Make you feel ashamed
Refuse a second chance for forgiveness or a fresh start
Tell you to hurt someone else or do something that God wouldn’t do
Affirm something in you that goes against God’s will or ways
Make you feel like anything about you cannot be redeemed through God’s grace

I’m sure you could look through your Bible and think of even more examples–in fact, I encourage you to do so! The best way to know what God wants for us is to figure out what the Bible says about God’s character.

I believe that we both can stand up against the lies of the enemy. The lies that want to bring us down can be used by God to strengthen us instead.

You are needed. You are loved. You are more than any mistake, any embarrassing moment, any moment of guilt. God will take who you are at this very moment and transform you into the person you are meant to be. All you need to do is let Him.

Very truly I tell you, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live.
John 5:25

You Have Grown In Remarkable Ways

Do you feel like you haven’t made much progress recently?

Do you ever wish you were further ahead in the journey than you currently are? Perhaps you made a bucket list or a set of goals that have yet to be achieved. Or maybe someone’s critical comment continues to sting.

It’s important to look back and see who we were at different points in time. Ten years ago, one year ago, one month ago, even one day ago.

We are often told that looking back means we are living in the past, but I don’t see it that way when we do it to remind ourselves of how far we’ve come.

When we look back reflectively, we won’t want to be the same person we were back then. Instead, we can appreciate how we’ve already grown so much.

There are certainly things that God is still doing in you. Pruning the rough patches, adjusting your mindset.

But God has already done so much. You have already come so far.

As a photographer, I am reminded of how little changes make a great difference. When I find a picture that needs editing, a simple adjustment of light or shadows can make a huge difference.

I don’t make many large edits to most of my pictures, so when I’m through, it can feel like I barely did anything to improve the photo.

Yet when I compare the original to the transformed version, I see how much clearer the beauty is in the new photo. All the distractions are removed and the beauty that was always there is finally revealed.

You have always been beautiful. You have always been God’s treasured creation.

But as you continue to grow, those innate qualities will be more and more clearly revealed.

Don’t give up. You are changing in remarkable ways. Even if you can’t see it now, it’s there. Don’t lose hope. ❤

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18