emotions – The Will to Wake Up

To The Indifferent American Teen

An open letter to GenZers.

Dear Indifferent American Teen,

Struggling to get up. Lacking motivation. Scrolling for hours. Feeling like a failure. Looking to your elders. Regretting your short life. You fight a battle too. I feel you.

You Indifferent American Teen.

You say “I don’t care”. Your shrug and your smirk confirm it.

But your “I don’t cares” are your cries for help. Your cries tell me that you do care.

You care until your insides ache and you can barely swallow your pride. You care until your face blemishes and your eyes are forced to turn aside. You care and you care and you care until all you care about is yourself. And that kills you the most.

Indifference is the mask you have been taught to wear. Only this type of mask doesn’t protect you. It pulls you back. It holds you captive. You are stuck in a web of lies.

I think you care. People say you don’t, but I know you. I am you. I feel you.

I think you care the most.

Every time your heart breaks, you must evaluate how someone will react. Will you lose a friend? Will you be cancelled? Will life ever be the same?

Every time a new issue pops up, it feels too far away to be real. Yet you don’t want to be left behind. But grasping in the dark for something steady to support you is an endless battle that will tear you apart until you become as empty as your spirit after a tough night.

You are in a sea of emotions. You are drowning and the only thing you can use as a lifesaver is indifference.

Indifference makes you sarcastic and pathetic. Indifference makes you hard and distant. Indifference makes you laugh when you know it stings the soul of a fellow human being who stares at you until the laughter dissolves into a tidal wave of tears.

Indifference is the deepest feeling of all.

You have been hurt. Your wounds are deep. But you can’t blame a war or a movement or a lack of knowledge. Instead, you blame yourself.

But you don’t want to be weak. You are supposed to be strong. Strong and independent. Proving your worth. That’s who you are. You can’t change. That’s what they say, anyway.

Even though you’re young with a full life ahead of you. Even though you’re bright and you aren’t your parents. Even though you’re special and precious and loved. Even though all these things…who are you?

I’m sitting beside you. I won’t tell you to cry or to feel or to trust me. Trust, that’s something in short supply. What I’ll tell you is this: You aren’t alone. Staring out at the starry night sky, there is someone–thousands of someones–who are just like you. And they don’t know who that person is either.

I don’t know you. Maybe you don’t want me to. Maybe the only thing keeping you going is keeping your identity a mystery. All yours, no one else’s.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but someone does know you. Someone cares about you. That Someone wants you. Needs you. Trusts you. Values you.

That Someone will love you the way your heart longs to be loved as your eyes linger a little too long on the one that broke your heart. It wasn’t their love that you needed. It was Someone’s.

I’ll venture to say, it was God’s.

So when you feel indifferent, tell Someone that. Tell Him and wait. You might just get a feeling.

I know I did.

Sincerely,

Your Fellow American Teen, who isn’t so indifferent anymore

Can I be Upset AND a Christian?

If you’ve felt guilty for being anything but happy, then this post is for you.

I’m going to be honest with you, because I always am, and say that recently I haven’t really been feeling myself. It’s been off and on, and I’ve tried to avoid thinking about it.

But today I had something force me to think about it. I confronted my emotions and tried to figure out what had changed. I realized that perhaps I was hurt about something that I didn’t want to deal with and I was allowing that to come into other parts of my life.

Something not often discussed by Christians is how to confront our negative feelings. Often the verse “count it all joy” comes to mind and we decide that it’s best to not feel those uncomfortable things. If we are upset, then we aren’t Christian, right?

Wrong.

Being joyful all the time does not mean we have to be happy all the time. Joy does not equal happiness.

Being joyful means that while we can be upset, we do not have to give up on our hope in Jesus. We still believe that He is good no matter what. We are not as easily discouraged. However, it means we can and should cry when we need to and feel those difficult emotions when they arise.

If you are not feeling particularly happy today, that’s okay. But instead of allowing that sadness to flow into all the areas of your life, take some time to rest today and reflect on what exactly is causing you to feel this way. Is it someone that hurt you in the past? Is is a major stressor that you’ve been trying to ignore?

Take time to pray to God and ask Him how to combat these feelings in a healthy way. It’s okay if you need to call someone you can trust to seek help or if you don’t feel like talking about it.

I want you to remember that being upset does not mean you’re a “bad Christian”. Even Jesus wept and got upset. But He didn’t allow that to hurt His relationships or negatively impact His ministry. Instead, He used those feelings as a way to connect with His Father.

So today, if you aren’t feeling quite yourself, that’s okay. I want you to take some time to sit with those feelings and understand what is causing them. If you need to make some changes, then make those changes!

Ultimately, God is in control of your life and He will be there for you whether you’re angry, sad, heartbroken, happy, or anything in between. God loves you so much.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
Psalm 34:17-20

Didn’t Get to Say Goodbye

Encouragement Thursday: You can still have peace, even if you didn’t get to say goodbye.

When you have to say goodbye to the way things used to be, may you learn to trust above everything, you are free to know peace (even without the closure you thought you would need).
-Morgan Harper Nichols

I’m definitely the type of person who longs for closure, that last goodbye. I want there to be a happy memory, but also something that made it final for me that things were over. I’ve been reflecting on this idea, especially since a week ago I didn’t get the closure on a particular season of life that I was longing for. I think the reason I struggle with needing closure, despite perhaps an innate human desire for it that we all have, would be the fact that a lot of my relationships have ended abruptly. I lost people without even realizing it until it was too late. I’m a very relational person, and I’m going to be honest, one of my biggest fears is losing people (whether figuratively or physically). So the fact that I’ve gone through this several times with people I’ve really cared about has weighed heavily on me and has affected my mindset.

You may be struggling right now with saying goodbye to someone, something, or some symbol of the way things used to be. We all have had to make a lot of adjustments recently, what with COVID-19, along with different issues our world is facing. Maybe you’re dealing with a lot of fear right now about the future.

I have been in that same place, and I know I may sink back there again. But I have to keep reminding myself, just as I hope I’m reminding you now, that it’s okay to be at peace when things change. You don’t have to have everything figured out before you can feel satisfied.

You know why?

Because you already have everything you need to keep going. God will fill you with the strength, joy, and motivation to find new opportunities. All you need to do is ask Him. And I’ve found it especially helpful to journal my feelings and read encouraging Bible verses, devotionals, or posts when I’m needing to find that strength again.

But just because you can have peace and contentment now, despite all you’ve lost, doesn’t mean you have to act like nothing has changed. You don’t have to keep that brave face on when you really want to expose your more sensitive side. It’s perfectly normal, in fact healthy, to grieve these losses in your life. That’s the only way you can eventually be ready to move on. But the process can be slow, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’re weak or overly sensitive. It just means that you’re human and that you’re willing to go through the difficult process of growing into the person you’re meant to be.

So today, take some time to reflect on what’s holding you back from fully experiencing peace. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to call an encouraging friend, then call them. If you need to take a break and just be alone with God, then take the time to do that. You deserve it. In fact, you owe it to yourself and your relationship with God and with others to allow yourself the freedom to express yourself and just breathe.

No matter who or what you’re grieving right now, your feelings are valid. But remember that they are not what make you who you are. They are not what defines you. Only God is the One who can truly tell you who you are.

And He says that you are valuable, loved, worthy, cherished, His precious child, and so much more.

You’re going to be okay. ❤

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens…
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 4

Enduring Pain

If you feel stuck, trying to figure out if there is any good that can come from your pain, keep reading.

A random skill that most people wouldn’t know I have is being a pretty good back massager. You heard me right…and you’re probably wondering why you’re still reading!

Well, I’ll get to the point…soon. You know how we Nines love our stories 😉

My mom used to tell people that she had a daughter simply to get free back massages, and a small part of me occasionally wonders if that’s true considering the frequency at which she requests them. As humans age, as you may know from experience, they often experience muscle stiffness. Tonight I was helping my mom get a knot out of her back, and after the allotted time I had agreed to perform this service was up, I asked if she wanted me to continue. She laughed and replied, “I would like that, but I don’t think I can endure the pain.”

This part may not surprise you, if you know me at all. After she said that, I suddenly knew I had to blog. Not about muscles, weird skills, or getting old. But rather, about pain.

About a year ago, one of my first posts was about pain and how many people often use numbing mechanisms to avoid it. Little did I know that throughout this past year, I’ve struggled with dealing with my pain and negative emotions. I often choose to not feel things, but then that includes the positive, happy memories as well.

I think avoiding pain can be one of our biggest mistakes in life. The longer we avoid the pain, the longer we avoid the good that can come out of that pain. God does not take us through difficult seasons without a reason. He knows that there’s something better at the end, but we just have to persevere. And sometimes that means trying something again that may have previously hurt us.

Now, I’m not telling you to go and let people walk all over you. I don’t want you to get into a dangerous situation or go backwards on a process towards good health. But if God is calling you to try something again, whether it’s a relationship, a career, a hobby, or perhaps even just diving back in your Bible, then you should go for it.

We love making excuses as to why we can’t possibly embrace our pain. We tell ourselves that we can’t endure it. And we’re right, we can’t.

At least, we can’t alone.

But God is always with us and He will give us the strength to get through anything.

I’ve seen so many people go through things I could never imagine going through with such bravery. They continue to live for God, they continue to go about their daily lives, and they will still be heroes, such strong people, in my eyes when they admit their pain and sorrow.

Don’t allow fear of people’s reactions to affect how you grieve, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or a forgotten dream. The ones who are meant to be in your life and really care about you will give you the space to feel what you need to feel.

I know it’s hard trying again. I know it’s hard doing what God calls us to do. I’m not going to sit here and expect you to suddenly change your life or do things that risk heartbreak alone. I’m going to try to get out of my comfort zone and figure out my emotions as well, in a healthy way.

I know that we can both get through whatever life throws at us because we are empowered by our Creator. God loves us and designed us to need Him, and when we turn to Him, we will overflow with His grace, courage, and perseverance.

I’ll be praying for you. Don’t give up. ❤

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:2