Tag: Boundaries

Boundaries for Beginners

5 practices for creating healthier boundaries so that you serve with godly motivations.

Have you ever just really wanted to say “no” to one more request from someone you care about, but you forced yourself to say “yes”?

The practice of setting boundaries sounds simple, but in real-life situations, there are so many things to consider beyond uttering a simple “no.” When we care about the emotions and well-being of those around us, we may feel torn between overextending ourselves and only committing to what’s healthy for us.

In church settings in particular, there’s a common misbelief that setting boundaries in our relationships is sinful. But even Jesus, who lived a perfect life, took time to be with God and refresh His spirit so that He could minister well to others.

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

Mark 1:35 (NIV)

God creates boundaries with us through His laws, which guide us toward having a more fulfilling and fruitful existence. Evidence of God’s first boundary is found in Genesis. He told Adam and Eve that they could eat from any tree in the garden, except for the one specific tree that led to their downfall.

The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

Genesis 2:15-17 (NIV)

Boundaries, when created out of love, benefit and strengthen relationships. They cause us to have more realistic expectations for each other, recognizing that only God can fulfill all our needs.

As someone also in the process of learning to create boundaries, I’ve gathered five helpful practices that will hopefully bless you as you strive to make healthier relationships.

  1. Take your time responding back to others

When someone texts you (and it’s not a serious emergency, of course), you are not obligated to text them immediately back. In fact, it’s okay to wait and respond when you feel alert and ready. Society has trained us to expect instant gratification and answers, but it is healthier to slow down and consider our words so that we can respond with kindness and discernment.

This also allows us to have more grace for others when they take longer to respond back to us!

2. Make time for rest in your schedule

Rest doesn’t just mean sleep, though getting a good night’s sleep is important. Building restful breaks into your routine, even if it’s as simple as setting aside time once or twice a week to participate in a life-giving activity or going on a daily walk, can be vital in preventing burnout.

3. Pause before committing

Instead of giving an instant “yes” when you’re asked to help with something, consider taking a night to sleep on it. During that time, when you are under less pressure to provide a response, you can check your calendar to confirm if you have the capacity to commit to this opportunity. Even more importantly, this allows you the chance to pray and discern whether this is what God wants you to do.

4. Journal your thought process

Perhaps you’re on the fence about an upcoming decision or commitment. Writing down the details of the situation, what’s drawing you toward it as well as what’s causing you to hesitate, can reveal the motives of your heart. As you journal, ask God whether you’re motivated by the desire to please others or to serve Him.

5. Practice communicating your boundaries

One of the toughest things about creating boundaries is admitting we can’t do it all. People may react to our boundaries in different ways. Some may express support and encouragement while others might be upset and disappointed.

If you’re struggling to communicate your boundaries with certain people in your life, consider sharing your needs and concerns with a trusted person who has proven to be supportive in the past. Perhaps a godly mentor, friend, or family member can guide you in communicating with the more difficult people in your life. You can even ask to rehearse your “boundaries conversation” with them, so that you feel prepared and grounded before entering into more difficult conversations.

Moving forward with grace.

God designed us intricately and intentionally. He didn’t create us to be superheroes with the capability of saving the world on our own–or even saving the person next door. We’re simply meant to show up with God’s love each day, relying on Him to provide our strength.

Accept His gifts of rest and grace today. Even when setting boundaries is difficult and painful, it is still worth it. You will find yourself showing up more present each day. This process also leads to recognizing which relationships are worth fighting for and which might need to be let go of.

I’ll be praying for you on this journey. ❤

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2 For we also have had the good news proclaimed to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because they did not share the faith of those who obeyed. 3 Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said,

“So I declared on oath in my anger,
    ‘They shall never enter my rest.’”

And yet his works have been finished since the creation of the world.

Hebrews 4:1-3 (NIV)

Free to Move On

Do you feel trapped in a toxic situation or relationship?

I once read a caption that said something along the lines of “If you have bad vibes, you are free to move on with no explanation. This is your life, so even when people question your decisions, it’s not their call to make.”

Now, I don’t know about the whole “bad vibes” thing, but there is definitely truth to the essence of this claim. Our society has been built upon compromising, second-guessing, and putting status above wellbeing for so long. Why can’t we change that?

Recently, I made the tough decision to get out of a toxic situation. I held to my commitment until it was over, but I was under an immense amount of stress that eventually felt unbearable. Now, this decision came at the cost of convenience, temporary “peace”, and having to deal with interrogations from others with different priorities.

This was a decision that affected multiple aspects of my life and has completely altered what the rest of my freshman year of college will look like. I understand why people have questions, especially those who don’t fully know the situation, but what pains me the most is hearing others’ stories of similar situations that they forced themselves to suffer through.

So many people were willing to compromise their mental health, not to mention their sleep and studies, for the sake of avoiding conflict. And I don’t blame them for this decision. After all, that’s how our society has been set up, isn’t it? We keep quiet when we’re being used. We stick with a company that’s treated us unfairly. We maintain relationships with people we’d rather avoid. All for what exactly?

As a Christian, I’ve struggled with setting boundaries and removing myself from difficult circumstances because I’ve held the false belief that we have been commanded to just deal with things as they are. But when Jesus says, “Turn the other cheek”, He doesn’t mean stay in toxic relationships. In fact, He commands us as His disciples to do the opposite.

To clarify, we are to spread the good news to everyone, including those who may have hurt us or who we disagree with. We are supposed to love others the way Jesus loves us. However, that doesn’t mean enabling toxic, manipulative, potentially even abusive behavior. In fact, if we really love someone, we should want to help them grow into the people they are designed to be.

We are all created with a divine purpose. Jesus offers us extraordinary opportunities to see Him in action if we listen and trust Him. In fact, when Jesus first sent out His twelve disciples, they were given miraculous healing powers and the chance to spread the gospel to many, many people.

As Jesus gave them instructions, He added something that we don’t often discuss.

Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. 5 If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.

Luke 9:4-5

Jesus cares about us being treated right. He wants us to be in loving relationships and treated as His precious children.

Of course, this realistically can’t always happen, but when we are given the opportunity to get out of toxic situations and relationships, we need to take them. It isn’t “Christian” to stick around just to get hurt more. Rather, we need to see ourselves the way Jesus sees us–worth more than this.

We are given an important purpose, just as the disciples were. When we are distracted by those whose only intent is to harm us, then we aren’t able to fulfill our purpose the way Jesus intended. But we also don’t need to regret the bad situations we’ve been in either. Jesus will use every part of our story to shape us into the people we are meant to be, and that is a beautiful thing.

Today, if you are trying to step away from something harmful, I want you to remember that no matter what anyone else says, you’re worth it. You don’t owe anyone any explanations. This is your one and only life. Be free to be who God designed you to be.

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

Ephesians 4:1