When You Don’t Understand

Life often curves into patterns that confuse our minds and trouble our hearts.

This most recently happened to me while traveling abroad to visit family. I hadn’t seen these close family members in six years, and I already knew going into the trip that it would be an emotional experience, potentially even saying goodbye to my grandpa. There were many bumps along the journey, but joy and light still pulled through.

Then, about half-way through the trip, I got really sick. Shortly after, I discovered I had COVID, which meant I couldn’t spend time with my grandparents, the ones I had waited so long to see.

Needless to say, I was confused and devastated. I was also really angry. I knew God didn’t “inflict me” with this virus. There were many various avenues where I likely caught it; that’s just a part of traveling now. But I had been waiting for so many things in my life, and it just felt like another disappointment. Shouldn’t we be rewarded for waiting and trusting in God?

In the end, I’m still not sure why I had to get sick, though everything is in God’s hands. He knows why. But over time, I was able to express my difficult emotions to God, and He allowed me to find some creative ways to safely see my family before I left. As I gave up my anger, sadness, and dashed hopes to God, I began to see how He was teaching me to trust Him through providing a way home, keeping others safe, and allowing me the chance to rest.

As we head into Holy Week, I am continually reminded of how little the disciples understood about Jesus’ sacrifice. Jesus kept saying to them that they wouldn’t understand yet, but they would later. I wonder if those words were comforting to them.

Honestly, sometimes those words are not comforting to me. I want to scream, “Well, that doesn’t help me now, does it?”. But to God, it’s all happening at once. Each second is still and precious, yet wrapped up into eternity for Him. We may feel like we are waiting forever, but in the end, it will be but a blink in time.

You may be experiencing a confusing situation right now. You might be questioning God’s hand in all of it, wondering why He would allow such a thing to happen. Are you worried that patience didn’t pay off? That you misplaced your trust in God?

I urge you not to give up on God. Things may feel like they are falling apart right now, but as Easter shows us, God has something even greater in mind.

It doesn’t mean that you should just slap on a smile and pretend like everything is okay, either. God desires for you to be open and vulnerable with Him about all your feelings. Sometimes hard situations occur because they create in us a softer heart that paves the way toward becoming more vulnerable with God.

This Easter season, remember how much God loves you. No matter what, even when confusing situations arise, He understands what you are going through and wants you to turn to Him, even if you are still working on trusting Him fully.

When Jesus came to Simon Peter, Peter said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”

Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”

“No,” Peter protested, “you will never ever wash my feet!”

Jesus replied, “Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.”

John 13:6-8