The Mysterious World of Love Languages

Let’s be honest–we all have a preferred way of showing love to others and receiving it. Sometimes, one person’s knitted scarf is another person’s bear hug. It’s important to understand the different love languages in order to help others feel God’s love. Jesus’ biggest command was “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” This seems simple in theory, but when we combine this command with people who experience love differently than us, it gets complicated. But the best way to understand others is by learning about them.

So…how do we go about doing that?

First of all, we must understand the different love languages, which have been grouped into five categories:

1. Physical Touch (Hugs, physically being present, rubbing one’s back…)
2. Words of Affirmation (compliments, thank-you cards…)
3. Gifts (things bought from the heart)
4. Quality Time (long calls, spontaneous hang-outs, trips together…)
5. Acts of Service (doing extra chores, taking the kids for the day…)

So, now that you know all the types, let’s answer a few questions you might have surrounding them.

If I don’t experience one of these types, do they not love me?

Of course not! I used to wonder that, though. When I was growing up, I saw other kids get hugs from their parents all the time, while with my dad, it was more of a yearly thing. I learned to realize that his love language isn’t physical touch, but acts of service, since he was always doing things for me. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, just that he shows it in a different way.

However, if someone close to you isn’t showing you the type of love that makes you feel loved, it’s possible they just don’t realize that you have a different love language than them. It’s important to speak up and share what makes you feel good. It’s also important to not get too caught up in what we think we lack and rather notice how to help others instead. Sometimes loving others ends up being an act of self-care as well.

Does my receiving type have to be the same as my giving type?

I like to think of people having two types of love languages: the type they give and the type they receive. Sometimes it’s the same, but often it’s different.

For me, I clearly love words, and speaking words of affirmation is my favorite love language. (Though it’s hard to choose just one!) But in terms of receiving love, I feel more loved when people spend quality time with me. To me, time is the most valuable gift a person has, and if they are willing to share it with me, then I am honored.

The bottom line is that it’s okay–good actually– if you encompass multiple types, enjoy all or only one of them, and experience love differently than how you give it out.

How can I find out people’s love langauges?

The first way is the most simple: just ask! Most people know what they enjoy, even if they don’t know the specific “categories”. You don’t have to feel shy about it; it shows that you care when you are willing to ask.

However, there are other ways of figuring this information out too. See how they show you or others love. Even if that’s not their primary receiving love language, I’m sure they still enjoy it and would appreciate the reciprocation. Notice what they talk about a lot and what they are passionate about. That can also give indications as to what they enjoy and what makes them feel alive.

Is there a way to love people “wrong”?

No! God gives us all different spiritual gifts. Yours might be making a delicious meal for a family in need while another’s is writing thoughtful cards. While it’s good to keep in mind what loved ones’ preferred love languages are, it’s also important to stay true to yourself when showing love to others. It may not feel authentic if you do something you are not comfortable with.

As always, follow God’s leading when it comes to loving others. He adores it when we show the world His compassion and kindness. When you follow His Spirit, you’ll be amazed all the people out there who are waiting to experience His love through you. ❤

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Ephesians 3:18-19